I had really high hopes when I shouldn't have.
My OPKs were coming back super close to the control that I was sure I ovulated.
My ovulation bloodwork was the Friday before my birthday and the pregnancy bloodwork was the Friday after.
I hoped that would bring me luck.
Everything seemed to be pointing out that August would be great and the Clomid 100mg would work and I'd have a great birthday month!
But alas, nothing turned out how I hoped.
Ovulation bloodwork: Negative.
Pregnancy bloodwork: Negative.
And I am at the same spot I was in spring of 2009 when we stopped the clomid after 100mg. Just the feeling that it isn't going to happen. Disappointed failure and that treatments worth pointless.
I have to remind myself that it isn't going to be easy and that I have to keep going. That isn't as easy as some might think. I wish I could get pregnant like most normal people and not worry about if I will even get AF to get pregnant (I am currently on CD52... further proof I didn't ovulate).
I'm now 26. I know that most of my friends aren't married or they don't have kids and may not for years. But I also know that most of them don't have these complications.
I don't know what to do anymore.
You can pray for me but please don't tell me to pray. I know that most of our readers and writer's are very Christian but I am struggling with what I believe and have been for a while now.
"I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know...
Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands"
Some Nights - FUN
My dear, I am so sorry. I know its hard to keep faith while going through this journey. WHY WHY WHY! Are you seeing and OB/GYN or a RE? Have they put you on Provara to bring on your period since you have had a BFN? I really pushed my doctors to let me take provara monthly when I had a BPN, so I could start my next cycle "on time" because waiting so long to get your period just makes things much more frustrating and hopeless. How many times have you taken clomid now? Have they tried letrozole? Many women with PCOS are clomid resistant (I was) letrozole didn't prove to help me either, except one month, but it was less expensive and actually supposed to help more than clomid. Oral drugs didn't get me to ovulate, I had to use injections. Its worth the extra cost. After I went 16 months without ovulating once, the injections with IUI didn't work the first 3 months, but it at least gave me some hope that it COULD happen. Ultimately we did IVF - the best money I've ever spent. I had such a hard time coping with the fact we had to pay thousands of dollars to have a baby when everyone who shouldn't can make one for free and at the drop of a hat. But once we paid for it, it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders and I was finally a little less stressed and had a positive attitude ....and it worked - blessed with two little ones and 5 frozen embryos. If you want it to work I'm confident it will! You're in my thoughts sweetie.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry =( I pray things look up for you very quicky.
ReplyDelete