BFN!

So I took an hpt this weekend...how foolish of me. Bfn! Like I didn't see that one coming. My nauesa only went away for like a day and its back again. Oh and I have to pee like every 30 minutes. I dont know what the crap is wrong with me. I wish my body would stop playing games with me. I guess maybe I just have some sort of virus along with a bladder infection or something? Idk...life just makes me mad sometimes. I keep having that little slimmer of hope in the back of my mind saying "well maybe you tested too early", I would feel foolish testing again just to make myself upset again so Im not even putting myself through that. Hope I can get over this sickness soon.

Thoughts, and a poem I wrote a while back

So earlier in the week (Monday), I was waking up super nauseous and sick to my stomach and occasionally puking. This would last until around 11am or 12 pm, however the more time goes on the less I'm dealing with this issue. The nausea is sill there somewhat, but not for long or very strong, kind of like its fading out. Now I have this stupid cold (sore throat, congested, etc). I was kind of hopeful earlier in the week that the sickness only lasting in the morning was a good sign, now that it seems to be fading away and I have a head cold that hope is pretty much not there. I have a test, but don't want the reality of that stupid negative sign staring me in the face. I'm so sick of my body playing mean nasty tricks on me =( Oh and another thing? Why do these stupid unmarried teenage girls get to have baby after baby and we cant?? I mean there babies aren't even 6 months old yet and they are pregnant again..what the heck??!!! Annndddd I'm sick of all this super healthy pregnant women or girls on my fb complaining about petty stuff. I'm really not trying to be so mean and bitter and hateful...I'm just at one of those points where I'm not very hopeful.

This is a poem I wrote earlier this year, Its been on my mind a lot this week.

I lie in bed each night envisioning you,
I endlessly ponder when will I obtain motherhood too?
It has been nearly four years since I have been trying
, I'm so disgusted with the anger, resentment and crying.
Wherever I go a girls bestowing their news,
I quietly ask myself, why can't I be in their shoes?
I'm sickened with all the disappointment, heartache and tears
it's so difficult when you've been aspiring for years.
They go on and on about the new child on the way, I silently sit back, a tear rolls down my check, I have nothing to say.
Night after night, day after day, test after test I continue to wait,
I try my best to not accept infertility as my horrific fate.
I lie apprehensive every night without any sleep, I yearn for you so exceedingly I begin to weep.
My child, I hope you come soon I continually pray,
Oh my unborn baby how I long for that day.
So my little one you may ask I how I cope,
the explanation to that is I forever have hope.
There will be a day when I'll hold you my baby,
Hopefully that day is soon, maybe just maybe?
Some miraculous moment there will be an end to this pain,
Oh when you arrive what a treasure I'll gain.
I can't wait for that time when I rock you to sleep,
My precious little one how I long for you to keep.
Even though your not yet here I have for you an abundance of love,
Until we meet, I'll continue to wait, my darling dove.

This too shall pass......

That quote about sums it up for me.  As does this:  Pain nourishes courage.  You can't be brave if only wonderful things have happened to you - Mary Tyler Moore.

So what causes me to use these quotes?

Well, where to start....

First off, hubby has bipolar disorder, type II.  He is usually well controlled but as he has gotten older, he has had more issues with agoraphobia.  Because of this, he lost his job last year.  He spiraled into a depression and became suicidal.  As a result, I had to hospitalize him recently and that is when I found out he had been abusing alcohol and drugs.  He is now 4 weeks into recovery and 4 weeks sober (and he is home, but attending an intensive outpatient hospitalization program that focuses on recovery).  This has been really rough but we are both coming to terms with it.  I'm in therapy for myself to learn how to create and stick to healthy boundaries and we attend a family session at his program on Saturdays.  

I've also been dealing with some health issues.  I mentioned before that I had fibromyalgia.  Fibromyalgia is an evil disease, but I am fighting that b*tch with all I have.  I recently got put on gabapentin (brand name: Neurontin) to help.  Gabapentin and pregabalin were originally approved to treat certain types of epilepsy and nerve pain. Both drugs work by limiting the release of pain-communicating chemicals by nerve cells in the brain and spinal cord.  Fibromyalgia is now considered a disorder of the central nervous system and it can be rough.  The gabapentin is really helping, though.  I also managed to come down with West Nile Fever, the not so serious cousin of West Nile Virus.  It basically means that I had 2 weeks of the worst flu I've ever had without the congestion/respiratory issues.  And the fever that I ran from that caused me to get dehydrated and I managed to get a bi-lateral kidney infection.  I'm on the mend right now, though I tire very easily, but I'm hopeful.

As for the cycling and what not, well, the actual trying is on hold.  I am still using my herbs to regulate my cycle (so far it is working....I'm down to a 32 day cycle with regular ovulation every month) but we discussed waiting to really try until hubby has been sober for 1 year....so 48 more weeks.  

I've also decided to do the 3 Day Walk for the Cure in Seattle next September.  I am going to be walking with one of my best friends and I will be doing it in memory of my mom (who died from metastasized breast cancer) and in honor of the Figueroa women (my dad's side, where breast cancer runs in the family).  I am also doing it to prove to myself that I can, to prove that though I may have fibromyalgia, it doesn't have me, and to do something extraordinary.