Disappointing Month

August was not as good as I expected it to be.

I had really high hopes when I shouldn't have.

My OPKs were coming back super close to the control that I was sure I ovulated.

My ovulation bloodwork was the Friday before my birthday and the pregnancy bloodwork was the Friday after.

I hoped that would bring me luck.

Everything seemed to be pointing out that August would be great and the Clomid 100mg would work and I'd have a great birthday month!

But alas, nothing turned out how I hoped.

Ovulation bloodwork: Negative.
Pregnancy bloodwork: Negative.

And I am at the same spot I was in spring of 2009 when we stopped the clomid after 100mg. Just the feeling that it isn't going to happen. Disappointed failure and that treatments worth pointless.

I have to remind myself that it isn't going to be easy and that I have to keep going. That isn't as easy as some might think. I wish I could get pregnant like most normal people and not worry about if I will even get AF to get pregnant (I am currently on CD52... further proof I didn't ovulate).

I'm now 26. I know that most of my friends aren't married or they don't have kids and may not for years. But I also know that most of them don't have these complications.

I don't know what to do anymore.

You can pray for me but please don't tell me to pray. I know that most of our readers and writer's are very Christian but I am struggling with what I believe and have been for a while now.

"I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know...
Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands"
Some Nights - FUN

God is funny

I was talking to my mom and she inadvertently made me feel like a disappointment of a daughter again because we still don't have a baby. I know she didn't mean it, she was just talking, but as more time passes the less she knows how to say things to me... Anyway i was on the way to pick the hubby up from work and feeling like crying my eyes out. I want a baby yesterday, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Then a song from Third Day came on called Tunnel, and the lyrics at the end of the song hit me, my tears sucked themselves back in and I'm still kind of sad but I'm ok... Because I believe it

Third Day -Tunnel

I won't pretend to know what you're thinking
I can't begin to know what you're going through
I won't deny the pain that you're feeling
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you

Just remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for

[Chorus]
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you

So keep holdin' on

You've got your disappointments and sorrows
You ought to share the weight of that load with me
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
It brings a new life for your eyes to see

So remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for
[Chorus]
So keep holdin' on
Keep holding on

[Musical Break]

So remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for
[Chorus] x2
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holdin' on
Keep holding on
Keep holding on, now.

You've got your disappointments and sorrows
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you


-mrs red