Today is the Day

So, today is the day I go see Dr. Luck.

I'm excited... and very nervous.

I am always worried that my condition will be worse or that I will get bad news. With infertility there is so much "bad" already that it is hard to think of any positives.

But, I did my research on my doctor and on the facility. They are closer to my last and I am still hoping that their pricing is reasonable (that wasn't included on the website).

I'm also excited that she might help me to get my period to STOP. I've been having bleeding (anything from spotting to light to medium) since June 26th and am SOO tired of having to always be prepared when I go to the bathroom. And I miss my husband, if you know what I mean ;)

I can already hear some of what the doctor will say: "your weight is too high" "if you lose weight your cycles should start to normalize" etc. I know I have a weight issue.

My high was in 2009 and I weighed in at 245. Earlier that year we had done 2 cycles of clomid. Then in the spring we moved into my FIL's house while we worked on our credit to get our own. In the summer I registered for a fall class at the local community college (only Yoga, as a way to get back into the swing of classes). That summer I also started to take some Japanese diet pills that my SIL had wonderful success with. The first month I lost 10 lbs. The second month I lost another 10 lbs. I was so excited! I continued to lose 10 lbs per month for the next 2 months. So in 4 months I had lost 40 lbs. And I stalled in the progress. We moved into our house in November with some issues. January I went to see my OBGYN and while there she prescribed a diet pill. Within the next couple months I lost another 25 lbs. I had gotten down to 180 and, as much as I wanted to be at 160, I was very happy. Kept it off for a year. Then had some really hard science classes with late night studying and lots of stress. BAM 30 lbs in 2 lbs back on. Once that dam broke it ALL came back. Now I am sitting at around 245/250.  (see more in my weight blog)

It's hard.

So, as excited as I am about the appointment, I am very nervous and any ridicule I will receive while there. I am hopeful that they understand the weight can be VERY hard to lose for PCOS peeps.

I will keep you all updated :o)

Painful words

How is the baby thing going? – If you have been trying for a while and your friends and family know, you will eventually hear these words. I dread these words, even though most of the time they are well meaning. I hear them quite often from old coworkers, friends from High School, people from Daniel’s first duty station. These people aren’t trying to hurt me, or make me sad or angry. Those 6 little words- they can break your heart over and over again. In just those 6 little words I am reminded that 3 years ago we decided to turn our family into one of 3. That after all the arguments from Clomid mood swings, the shots, the money and time spent, everything we are still a family of two. What most drunken teenagers do on accident, my body has refused to do even with medical coercion.  So most of the time I just smile and say it’s going ok, when I want to cry, scream and run away all at the same time. How do you explain to someone that it breaks your heart to hear those words? That every time I’m asked all the emotions of the past three years seems to come rushing back? It’s the pain that I felt every month when I saw everybody around me announcing they were pregnant, or the frustration of not getting a Dr. to listen to me- even when I knew something wasn’t right. It’s the fear every month when I had to go get the trigger shot, and the overwhelming sadness two weeks later when the BFN was staring me in the face.  I know that I can get a little over sensitive according to members of my family. But you can’t control an emotional reaction. For me, I would rather have somebody walk up and slap my face, because it would be less painful.

Mrs Red's story

Well my first visit from the angry aunt was when I was about 11, I didn't know it was it because it wasn't much but I was sooooooo sick and cramping like crazy for a whole 2 months after. It was in the summer time so I didn't complain too much then I got a crazy visit... Then I had semi regular cycles but everytime it would come I'd have to miss school because it was so heavy and I was so sick. Then one day around 14 it stopped coming regularly... My mom took me to the doctor and they gave me birth control to regulate it. I took it for 3 months at a time until I was about 16, then they recommended I just keep taking it since they weren't regulating with the 3 month tries. Right before I turned 18 I didn't have a cycle for months. My mom took me to the doctor because she thought I was pregnant... I had a boyfriend, who I ended up marrying 4 years later but no I wasn't pregnant. They told me in march of 2002 I possibly had endometriosis and maybe PCOS. This was the base doctors so they did a half butt job diagnosing me. Thy recommended I go back on BC and I told my mom what's the point? I didn't need it and if I wasn't going to have a cycle why stress about a little pill? So I went off.

I met my husband February 2002 while we were working together at the grocery store. I had a HUGE crush on him the minute I saw him. Apparently we had been working together since September but I never noticed... He was a good Christian boy and just a few weeks before I had just accepted Jesus into my life. We talked when we worked together and I old my friends at school how cute he was. Then in march I saw him on my way to work at the end of my street unloading chairs off a truck. later that day he walked into the store with his dad and uncle and I asked him who's house that was and he said it was his parents! So we talked and at the end of April we were bf/gf. We dated until February 2006 when we got engaged. We never lived together the whole time we were dating and decided to keep it that way til we for married. In march we started building our first house. In September I moved into his house because his family believes you live with your parents until you are married and mine were more... You are driving us nuts move out! Lol I actually have a better relationship with my parents not living with them. Anyway we had a short engagement and got married in November. No, not because I was pregnant, but because we were both ready to start a family.

As soon as we got married we were trying to start a family. I went to a doctor in may and there started alllllllll my lovely fertility treatments. I'll go into those on separate posts but it has been a long bumpy emotional rollercoaster and I do not wish it on ANYONE! Anyone suffering with it that wishes it on someone else has some serious issues to work on. I am however semi thankful that I am not alone in this and that there are others going through it. Support is the best key to get through this. So is humor.so I laugh I cry and I go about it day by day hoping one day I will have my own little snot nosed little squirmy bundle of joy :-)