Insecure and depressed.

At this point I feel so insecure about my body. When I stopped taking BCP I was 135 lbs. I probably gained 10lbs in the year that I was off of them before DH and I actually started TTC. in the 3.5 years that we have been TTC I have went from 145 to 206. :'( It has become a big issue for me. I've tried to get myself motivated to work out... To eat right. Its almost that I'm so depressed about having PCOS and not being able to have a baby that I can't motivate myself to get up and work out. I just want to lay in bed, eat ice cream or chips and watch old TV shows that remind me of when I was little. I have gained enough weight to have HAD a baby... but their is no baby to go along with the weight. Its depressing!

Shannon's post last night made me think about a couple of nights ago when I was telling DH that I just can't picture our lives as parents. I can't see my self as a mom. I can't see myself having baby toys around the house instead of dog toys. I just have a sinking feeling that maybe I'm not ever supposed to be pregnant. Maybe I'm not supposed to ever get to experience birth and feel a baby move inside me (yes I am one of those weird people that really REALLY wants to be in Labor, without drugs!). DH and I had a talk several months ago about adoption. We've decided that if we don't have kids and aren't expecting that when I turn 28 we will start the process of adoption.

How do you guys maintain your weight? I know that having PCOS can cause you to gain weight and can make you have a hard time with loosing the weight? Any tips on how to get motivated and get out of bed? I am determined to make 2013 better than 2012!

Relation Between Infertility & Insecurity

(Sorry I have been absent for so long! Finding time is difficult!)

Let me set the scene: Me, DH, and his best friend (who moved in with us after his wife left him) are talking while I iron fabrics I just washed and they clean up the kitchen from dinner.

I forget what lead up to it, but I said something about PCOS. I had discussed it briefly with the BF before but he forgot what it was called. When he asked what PCOS was I simply said "the reason I don't have periods" while DH says "why we can't get pregnant".

I know he didn't mean it negatively, but it was definitely a punch to the ovaries, lol. I know not being able to get pregnant is my fault because I don't ovulate. his sperm analysis numbers are awesome and my ovaries are overpopulated with follicle cysts. It just hurts to hear it, especially when we ourselves don't really talk about it.

The hardest thing about my infertility for ME is how it affects DH and me individually. Our relationship is still solid, we just torment ourselves. I had ballooned up to 245 lbs. Then lost 60. Kept it off for a year and have currently gained back 45 of that 60. I can't make excuses. I got comfortable & lazy. I stopped exercising (treadmill 60 minutes, yoga, etc) and ate unhealthy. I was on the road more with my new job of cleaning houses and would meet DH for lunch. I would be up til 3 or 4 am studying for classes and would snack to stay awake. And I let my weigh climb back up. Every time I think about how I need to lose the weight and do this and do that, I swear I gain 10 more pounds. Now I am up to 230 lbs. My high was 245 (June 2009 and my most recent low was 180 (March 2011). The worst part? I have no real motivation to lose it again. I WANT to but I don't want to do the work. I can think of things that should motivate me and STILL cannot get on the treadmill or eat more like I should. I feel so beat down. Just a huge disappointment overall. I haven't been able to get accepted into nursing school, can't get pregnant, can't get the motivation/determination to lose weight, can't help my husband lose stress and weight, and just feel like UGH.

Enough about me (sorry, this looks like it will be a long post)!

My DH says that my infertility issues don't affect him like they do with me. But I see it. (There is only so much I can say here without surpassing his internet comfortability; this is already pushing it!) But, to me, it seems like the infertility combined with stress from work is beating him down. His insecurities rang from his work performance, body issues, weight gain, and feeling like he should, but can't, do better by me. I honestly think that if I could get pregnant, he MIGHT get over some of that stuff. But I feel like he is in a pit and no matter what, I can't say or do anything to counteract/disprove his claims. I can't pull him out. I think his is more about inadequacy.

I guess what I am trying to say is that infertility affects us and our spouses/partners emotionally and physically, in all aspects of our life.

Baby dust to you guys!!

If you want to check out my weight journey blog here is the link: http://shannonsweightstory.blogspot.com/