Disappointing Month

August was not as good as I expected it to be.

I had really high hopes when I shouldn't have.

My OPKs were coming back super close to the control that I was sure I ovulated.

My ovulation bloodwork was the Friday before my birthday and the pregnancy bloodwork was the Friday after.

I hoped that would bring me luck.

Everything seemed to be pointing out that August would be great and the Clomid 100mg would work and I'd have a great birthday month!

But alas, nothing turned out how I hoped.

Ovulation bloodwork: Negative.
Pregnancy bloodwork: Negative.

And I am at the same spot I was in spring of 2009 when we stopped the clomid after 100mg. Just the feeling that it isn't going to happen. Disappointed failure and that treatments worth pointless.

I have to remind myself that it isn't going to be easy and that I have to keep going. That isn't as easy as some might think. I wish I could get pregnant like most normal people and not worry about if I will even get AF to get pregnant (I am currently on CD52... further proof I didn't ovulate).

I'm now 26. I know that most of my friends aren't married or they don't have kids and may not for years. But I also know that most of them don't have these complications.

I don't know what to do anymore.

You can pray for me but please don't tell me to pray. I know that most of our readers and writer's are very Christian but I am struggling with what I believe and have been for a while now.

"I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know...
Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands"
Some Nights - FUN

CD19: One of THOSE Days

Today is CD19. I had to go in to get bloodwork done to check my progesterone levels (to see if I ovulated).

After seeing my home LH tests... I have no hope that I ovulated. Here is the pic from CD9 (last day of clomid) to today:

(I was kinda dehydrated for the one that is yellower than the rest)

Kind of a downer on my day.

And I did this during lunch time so afterward I stopped at BK on the way back... And the lady in the drive-thru was pregnant. Lovely.

Day hasn't gotten much better. I know what the results are going to say.

This is honestly the hardest part of infertility: trying to remain hopeful even though, time and time again, it just doesn't happen. And I don't just have my battle with PCOS, I don't ovulate PERIOD.

On my mind has been this song (below). A friend put it on facebook and I think of husband throughout the song. But there are certain verses and parts of the chorus that make me think of this infertility journey. Enjoy :)

My Dream

I found this song earlier last week and I have to share. The words may not be exact for the infertility battle, but it gives a lot of hope :) I will always have my dream of being a mom.

God is funny

I was talking to my mom and she inadvertently made me feel like a disappointment of a daughter again because we still don't have a baby. I know she didn't mean it, she was just talking, but as more time passes the less she knows how to say things to me... Anyway i was on the way to pick the hubby up from work and feeling like crying my eyes out. I want a baby yesterday, I feel like I'm letting everyone down. Then a song from Third Day came on called Tunnel, and the lyrics at the end of the song hit me, my tears sucked themselves back in and I'm still kind of sad but I'm ok... Because I believe it

Third Day -Tunnel

I won't pretend to know what you're thinking
I can't begin to know what you're going through
I won't deny the pain that you're feeling
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you

Just remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for

[Chorus]
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you

So keep holdin' on

You've got your disappointments and sorrows
You ought to share the weight of that load with me
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
It brings a new life for your eyes to see

So remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for
[Chorus]
So keep holdin' on
Keep holding on

[Musical Break]

So remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for
[Chorus] x2
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holdin' on
Keep holding on
Keep holding on, now.

You've got your disappointments and sorrows
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you


-mrs red

Question #10

10.Other than the song “I Would Die For That,” post a video of a song that has special meaning to you and your infertility journey. Explain it, if you’re comfortable doing so.

Shannon:
Mine is actually a song from the recent movie, Tangled. It is actually about a relationship between the two main characters, but to me it sounds like a mom and dad's first experience holding their child and what goes through their mind. Finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and the wonderful result of having a baby. A "mommy's boy" and a "daddy's girl". Just close your eyes and listen to the lyrics :o)
I See The Light - Tangled

Mrs Red: there are actually 3 songs I would like to share... The first one is "strong enough" by Matthew West. I accepted Christ into my life when I was a junior in high school. I didn't fully understand what that meant for years. Struggling with PCOS made it hard for me to keep my faith. I felt alone and like God didn't care about me. I've learned different over the years and I truly believe that I am not strong enough alone and that I need Him to help me through it. That's where this song comes in.
Strong Enough - Matthew West

The second song is "Stronger" by Mandisa. This song helps me remember to just hold on to God and keep going forward. I don't feel like God had told me No yet on my fertility journey, he's saying wait, hold on just a little bit longer, this will make you stronger.
Stronger - Mandisa

the last song makes me cry. It is "Beautiful Things" by Gungor. The story behind it is so touching and personal to me. The lead singers wife was battling with fertility and she hit a low point. That's when she wrote the chorus to the song. It's a very beautiful song that can bring you to tears, my husband and I were drawn to the song before we knew the story. The story just makes it more beautiful. A year after her low point, she gave birth to a beautiful baby :'-)
Beautiful Things - Gungor

Ashley:
There are two top songs that come to mind for me...however neither is actually about infertility

#1 Blake Shelton, God Gave Me You. This song means the world to me because I know without my husband I would not be able to get through any of this and continue to move forward.

God Gave Me You - Blake Shelton

#2 -Gavin DeGraw, Not Over You. I know its about a romantic relationship, but I think of it as a relationship between me and my unborn child - I'm not over "wanting" you, and the emotions I feel are very similar.

Not Over You - Gavin DeGraw