Nine Years

I have thought of writing this post in several different ways. But after nine years of treatment, it doesn't feel like there is much more to say. We have come a long way and done a lot in the past nine years.

Nine years ago I was 21 and DH was 22. We lived in a duplex and had his younger brother (16) living with us. We had a 1 year old black lab. Decent jobs (he is still at the same one!) and weren't doing too bad. We decided to try having a baby, even though I'd already been off birth control for a while. And that is how our infertiliity journey started. And, thankfully, he has stuck by my side the entire time.

In the last 9 years we have done 2 HSGs, 11 rounds of clomid with timed intercourse, 1 ovarian drilling surgical procedure with hysteroscopy, and 2 rounds of IUI with clomid AND injections.

Infertility is such an emotional and heartbreaking journey that there are several years of non-BC breaks throughout the 9 year period.

We considered adoption and after one potential fall through we decided that the emotional toll would be too great for us at this time.

Our next step? IVF.

We had our consult April 10th. Since then I have had an HSG done again (much better than my first experience!) and a sono to check on my ovaries. We have discussed IVF variation options and pricing and have a plan. We are hopeful that this is it and will finally work. All I have to do is lose 18 lbs before CD 35 (if no period) and then we can begin.

But now we are waiting. And I forgot how HORRIBLE the waiting is. You say you'll be fine, you've had to do all sorts of waiting before, but you become obsessed with information and wish the days could go by faster so you could just START. It is difficult to distract yourself because IVF is like a thought bubble in your head that won't pop. You eat, sleep, and DREAM about it. You buy books, make mock-up calendars, and an IVF organizational binder. You luck up IVF and infertility charms and special clothes for ER (egg retrieval) day and transfer day. You join IVF support groups on facebook and it ends up flooding your newsfeed so that is all you see and therefore can't stop thinking about. People ask questions, you gladly tell them because you are excited, and then realize that any positive pregnancy announcement won't be a surprise and that part kinda sucks. May 17th needs to get here soon and these remaining 14 lbs need to disappear ASAP.

I thought after all these years I've learned patience. Apparently not. I even agreed with the doctor that I wouldn't do any HPT before the blood draw after transfer... Yeah, I have a feeling I won't be as strong as I initially thought about that.

This week is NIAW. Seeing the number of friends, family, and people that are dealing with infertility is just overwhelming. It is devastating knowing that so many of us are going through issues with infertility, whether it is at the beginning of the spectrum or the end, it sucks for everyone to have to deal with it for even 1 day. But, you are not alone. You've read some of what I've been through, especially if you have followed this blog for the last.... 5 (?) years. Ask us questions. Find us on our facebook page. I wish you all luck and baby dust.

Shannon

Clomid + Bravelle + Ovidrel and IUI???

I know I haven't updated on the clomid cycles we did Aug-Oct 2013. Obviously they were unsuccessful, lol.

Now our treatment is 100mg Clomid days 5-9, 150 IU Bravelle injections day 6 & 8 (day 8 is today), and, if follicles respond... Ovidrel (date to be determined) followed by an IUI.

I have a sonogram Monday to see if the follicles are maturing... and then after that is still kinda in the air.

I'm really nervous. And excited. And scared. You name it.

I feel like everything is falling into place for this cycle but I worry that I'm going to jinx myself thinking that or thinking about anything baby related. I need to get out of my head!

Has anyone else done this before??

Special Guest Saturday: Candi

Sometimes love just isn't enough....

They say it is better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all.  I’m guessing whoever "they" is that thought they were so clever to say this never dealt with infertility or the loss that occurs when you lose a child.  I suppose that person has never gone from a place of extreme happiness to an all-time low.  And I suppose that person has never had to tell your husband who you have been ttc with for 12 years that you just experienced a chemical pregnancy aka miscarriage.  Some say it may be better to have loved and lost, but I disagree.  

We lost so much in that 5 minute phone call that we’ll never get back.  I never got to know what it feels like to feel our child(ren) grow inside me.  We never got to hear a heartbeat or wonder if we should buy pink or blue.  We never got to hold our child for the first time and count all their fingers and toes, wipe their tears, kiss their sweet head.  We never got to see a first step, hear a first word, bandage a boo-boo, mend a broken heart from their first love, celebrate a birthday or Christmas, shop for the prom, buy a first car, teach right from wrong, be proud at graduation, walk her down the aisle at her wedding or calm his nervous when he says he’s ready to propose.  We never got to see them rejoice when they purchase their first house or tell us they are pregnant and we will be grandparents.  We lost so much before we even had a chance to show our love.

We had only just found out we were pregnant 2 days prior but I already loved that baby with my whole heart and would have done anything to protect them.  We wanted that pregnancy more than anything in the world.  Our dreams were finally coming true and our prayers were answered.  I fell so deep in love with my baby(ies) the moment I heard “you’re pregnant” from my re’s office that my heart shattered in a million pieces when I was told it was over.  “This is some cruel joke” I remember saying.  2 months later and my heart still hurts from the loss.  After 12 years of ttc I had come to terms that I was part of the statistic of Infertility; part of the 7.3 million suffering daily.  I thought we had overcome infertility when we received our positive news.  I don’t know how to come to terms nor do I want to with the statistic of being part of the 20% of pregnancies that end in a miscarriage. Or become part of a group that has lost a baby to a chemical pregnancy which is so common almost 60% of first pregnancies that end like this.  We may never know the reason why our baby didn't survive.  I guess sometimes love just isn't enough to hold on to your miracle, no matter how much you try.   

All I have ever wanted was to be a mom; to have someone love me and depend on me; to give my husband a family.  It is an awful feeling when you find out that you can’t make your dreams a reality or when your reality is broken.  We have traveled the infertility road so long that I never thought there was anything that could hurt more.  Boy was I wrong!  We are now part of the group that has fought, won, loved and lost our miracle.  This pain hurts every day even when I try to push it away.  Just because I smile doesn’t mean I don’t ache.  Just because I laugh doesn’t mean I’m not crying inside.  Just because I love doesn’t mean my heart isn’t still broken.  We should be 3 months along right now.  Embracing all the changes, dealing with morning sickness, sneaking purchases of baby items when we still don’t know the sex(es).  I should be aggravating my husband with my cravings and needs.  However instead of everything we looked forward to, we are learning to survive and move on. 

We are currently on a break after this loss and another failed IUI.  We need some time for us and to prepare for another try.  We’ll try again one more time down the road because we don’t feel our time is done. I share all this with you not for you to feel sad or sorry for us, Lord knows I do that enough as it is, but to just keep the good thoughts, prayers and baby dust flowing our direction.  If you’re a mom or dad, hold your little one a bit tighter and be thankful for what you have.  Never take it for granted.  Love your miracles unconditionally because I know a group of at least 1,400 people out here suffering with infertility that would give it all to have that miracle. 

~*~*~I'm praying daily for every empty arm and broken heart.  ~*~*~

To follow Candi on her journey, please subscribe to her blog at

http://mylifedealingwithinfertility.blogspot.com/?m=1

Mrs Red's OHSS

I am 8dp3dt and the past 4 days or so I've had absolutely no symptoms and been a little bummed. Occasionally I'll get some AF type cramps but not strong or anything and only after being up for too long.
So anyways I went yesterday for my progesterone and estrogen check and they called after lunch to let me know both were normal: e2=812 and progesterone=55 so that was great news to me, I know they don't indicate pregnancy but my IUI cycles it was never more than 20 for progesterone and e2 was always low... So I was happy.
So this morning.... I'm laying in bed after going pee at about 4 am and I feel restless. I couldn't get comfortable, felt hot and like I couldn't breathe right. Then the hubby gets up at 530 to take a shower and I roll over to take up more bed space, which usually helps. But then I notice a pain on my left side/back kind of a shooting pain like a kidney infection meets constipation/gas feeling but I didn't feel gassy and didn't feel I needed to "go", so I'm whining and rolling on my back hoping the pain will go away.

Then hubby gets out of the shower and hears me whining and come an sits with me asking what's wrong. Said to try to "go" and I try but nothing. The trying just made the pain worse. Then I lay down and try to find a comfortable position. Really the only thing that 'helped' was the fetal position over a pillow.

Then the pain started getting intense and I wasn't getting any relief, my whines turned into sobbing pain. Hubby rubbed my back which seemed to make it subside. We did my daily PIO shot and hubby continued to get ready for work. Then the pain came back with a vengeance! I got so dizzy and was in a dripping cold sweat and we decided to go to the hospital. We called my RE line and left a message but the pain was too intense, hubby basically dressed me like a baby because I was just crying and couldn't move, every movement hurt like heck.

The pain migrated to my uterus/ovary area AND my back. After I was dressed I felt so nauseous and said 'I think I'm going to throw up' and he said lets go to the bathroom, as soon as I stood up I felt it, ran the two steps and got some on the floor but most in the toilet. It was a weird gel-like yellow vomit (TMI I know lol). After it finally seemed like my stomach was truly empty we started leaving to go to the hospital. When we got halfway down the street the RE called. I told him the morning events and he said to come in around 9 as a walk in. I said ok but sat there thinking, uh... 2 more hours?! Hubby said it would be better to wait if I could but we would do whatever I wanted. I was actually feeling a little better after throwing up, so we sat in the car until the pain all seemed to dull, it was still there but tolerable. Came inside and laid down and then a miracle happened, I fell asleep. Hubby woke me up and I said I wanted to shower since I was feeling a little better and the pain wasn't as bad.

We went to the clinic and they took my weight, which I lost 10 lbs from the start of this cycle :-) and then took me to the sonogram rooms, asked for a urine sample and then did the ultrasounds. They said 3 weeks is too little to see anything and really didn't look at my uterus more than a split second to measure it. Then that's hen we saw, my right ovary was HUGE! And there were 2 big pockets of free fluid just hanging out in my belly. I had a few 3 cm cysts on my right ovary, then my left had 3 3.5 cm cysts. She said my ovaries should each be the size of one cyst! Then she checked all my organs and everything looked fine. They measured my belly which was bloated and said to monitor my weight and belly size, if it gets worse they will need to drain the fluid.

So I officially have OHSS. It's not as bad as some people they said but it's new to me and the hubs. They also said that its likely that I'm pregnant but to wait until Monday for my test. I did read some forums that said to eat a lot of protein and Gatorade since the fluid lost in my tummy will dehydrate me and contains protein and I'll be losing sodium. Let's just hope this doesn't get worse! But I'll be taking it easy til it's gone.

Mrs Red's retrieval day!!!! And everything leading up

Today was the day! I could hardly sleep last night, I was so excited!

I started my injectables on Saturday April 21, .01mL of microdose HCG, and 150 IUI of gonal-f. Hubby started taking doxycycline twice a day to make sure he doesn't get sick. I went Tuesday April 24 for stimulation day 3 E2 and sonogram. I had 4 follicles at 8-9mm! But my e2 was only 34 so they increased my meds to 225 IUI gonal-f same microdose HCG.
Thursday April 26 I went fr my next r2 and sono. I had more follicles at 8-9mm but nothing more than that. They called me later with my e2 and it was only 61 and it needed to be more than 100.... I cried at work. I was so stressed at work and I know it was effecting me... They increased my meds to 300 IUI and said come in on Saturday... So we decided to be a little more diligent and started up juicing again...

Friday after work, we made a commitment to having a stress free (as much could be controlled) weekend and no work talk or thinking of work. We went to the movies Friday and saw 21 jump street, very funny and it helped kick start the weekend. The. Saturday morning we went back and praise God, my e2 was 467!!! My sono showed I had a handful of eggs over 10mm and one at 14! So same dose and come in Monday with my meds and to bring one of the cetratide kits! For dinner we went and ate sushi to celebrate and because if all goes well I won't get to eat it for a while

Monday we get to the doctor after having a juice packed with fruits and veggies full of phytoestrogens. My sono showed 16 follicles over 10 mm! And like 3 at 15 mm! I ran out of gonal-f and spent the day calling around to get a good price for a 900 iui pen.... Took .01 mL of the microdose at the doctors office, then they called later and confirmed to keep taking 300 IUI of gonal-f and to take my cetratide medicine. Cetratide is a medicine to prevent the mature eggs from releasing on their own. My e2 Monday was 1264!

Took .01 mL microdose hcg, 300iui gonal-f and cetratide tuesday and then went back to the doc Wednesday. They told me to take all my doses for the day and that would be my last dose of those medicines. At 9pm Wednesday night I took 1CC of novarel to mature my eggs. At the sono it showed I had 13 follicles that were ready and thy said the rest would probably continue maturing. The sonographer gave me a print out of my "kissing ovaries"

Thursday I went in the morning for another e2, and they reminded me to brig warm socks and to take a fleet enema that night and no food after midnight. I have to admit.... The enema was uncomfortable and weird but I'm doing everything they say to do!

This morning I couldn't sleep, partly because my "kissing ovaries" we're pushing on my bladder and I have to pee soooo often lol! I'm so thankful I haven't gotten sick with how big they are. We got to the clinic at 710, they took us back an got me changed. I swore I had to pee but only a little came out. It hurts to pee because oh the ovary size but it's not too bad. They put me in the room and hooked me up to the iv. Miguel kissed me and then I saw the doctor for a sec, they gave me "loopy" medicine and it made me sleepy but I fought it, I wanted to be nosey loo. Then the doctor came and said we were ready, they wrapped my legs with some dark blue tarp looking things and they started the anesthesia, it burned like bad carpal tunnel days. Then I was out, I woke up to the nurse and anesthesiologist talking about vacations lol first thing I said was "go on a cruise" lmao, we talked for a while as I woke up then they got Miguel and got me animal crackers. He told me they got 29 eggs! Even the doctor was shocked! A while later they said I could go home and gave me instructions for the next 4 days.

We went and got breakfast then home. I slept for a few hours and then logged into work to make sure everything was set so no one will call me lol. Now we wait for the report on how many fertilized! :-D

God is great!

My "kissing ovaries"

Mrs Red's IVF

March 26, 2012 Was day three of my cycle... This is the one where I am supposed to call the RE to get BC so that we can start the stuff for IVF. I was soooo nervous because OF COURSE my cycle starts on a Saturday! I called the doctor's office as soon as they opened and left a message for the nurse. They called me back at 945 and asked me to come right away so they could get blood work and give me my script. I told my boss I'd be back in a few hours and hurried to the medical center. They took a little blood and told me they would call me with calendar dates of stuff. Said I'd have to have another saline histogram (since I have a history of uterine polyps), my hubby would need to take an HIV and Hep B test, and that he needed another swimmer check since our last IUI was a year ago. I left the office excited and anxious lol
Wednesday, my nurse called and gave me my Estradiol and FSH numbers and said they were perfect! YAY, Nothing is EVER perfect with me!! LOL, and she gave me the dates for my sono's, E2 checks and a round about time frame of when we'll do the retrieval/transfer.
I went yesterday (April 2nd) to the doctor with my hubby and they did the saline histogram (I could be spelling that wrong so forgive me) and to meet with the anesthesiologist. They were concerned with my BMI and wanted to make sure I wouldn't have any breathing problems. Anesthesiologist said that she didn't see what problems I would have but still asked me all the problems and said I was healthy enough :) So then we did the saline test. They do the transvaginal ultrasound first to get a baseline check of everything, then they take that out, put the speculum, which hurt, and then poke a catheter through the cervix and up into the uterus. Then back in the ultrasound thing goes, then they take a picture of where the tip is and then start injecting the uterus with saline, at first it just feels weird, but as it starts filling up, omg it hurt and caused so much cramping. Then I hear them say, oh look, I think there's a polyps at the end there. :( I wanted to cry. Polyps mean surgery, surgery means 2 months before we can do ivf, I got really sad. But they're just nurses. LoL The doctor looked at the pictures and said, I need to see the video, I'll brb. Before he left he showed us what I had last time and it looked different. While he was gone, we talked about what surgery would mean, not just a delay but I don't get paid for days off, and we prayed. The doctor comes back and confirms that the nurse just scraped the inside of my uterus and it was just a flap she made and he wasn't going to do surgery! YAY!!! We will have retrieval/transfer the week of April 30th!!!

-Mrs Red

February 13, 2011

One year ago today my husband and I went to the fertility clinic for our first actual IUI procedure. We were both so nervous. A few weeks before I caught bronchitis and was still getting over it. I hoped that my coughing wouldn't hinder the procedure... So we get to the clinic at 7 am and Miguel makes his deposit. Then we go to Einstein bagel brothers and have breakfast and just wait til it's procedure time. We got back about 30 mins early and just waited in he waiting room. Finally they took us back and told us how awesome my hubby's swimmers were and explained the procedure. Then we started. They put the speculum in and then put the turkey baster in and inseminated me. My husband gel my hand the whole time. It pinched a little but it wasn't bad or anything. Then they left us alone in the room. I kept trying not to cough but didn't help. I had no idea the Obgyn tables tilted like they do haha. Well we went home and I took a nap in bed (even though bed rest isn't required). When I woke up, my hubby had the biiiiigest bouquet of flowers for me and an even bigger smile and said happy valentines day! It was Sunday February 13, 2011. I'll never forget it. The date of my first failed IUI. I was crushed when we found out it didn't work... Even more crushed when my best friend told me she was pregnant. I was jealous because she is so fertile, and I'm well.... Not....

One year ago today... We were so happy and full of hope, it really was a good day. Too bad it couldn't have been memorable for a better reason :-/


Mrs Red

Question #24

24. How has your financial situation affected your infertility journey?

Shannon:

Fertility treatments can get expensive, especially if you are referred to an RE. When you find out the clomid treatments are $1000 (including sonos)... That is a LOT of money. Not in the long run, I know. And definitely not the most expensive. But that would be EVERY MONTH of treatment. We have a hard time saving it up. Usually when we get close, something else comes up!

Mrs Red:

My hubby and I had a bad habit before marriage of putting everything on credit so we have a mountain of credit debt, plus now a mortgage... So most of our money goes to that. When I worked for a mutual fund company my insurance didn't cover it and we weren't all for paying out of pocket. I ended up quitting my job of 7 years and stayed out of work for 5 months getting out of depression and trying to 'just relax and get pregnant' didn't work. So I started working again and we realized when we switched insurances to my hubby's his work covered infertility treatments!!! So we started them because even if we didn't have much spare money, it was ok because the insurance covered a lot of it. I have been very blessed with my new job because it affords us to pay down our debt without acquiring more and still do treatments. We have only done 3 rounds of iui but it's still a lot even with insurance. We are waiting to pay down more debt before we plunge into ivf this summer. Let's pray we can continue on that path incase our healthier lifestyle change doesn't bring us a baby :-)



Ashley:
Unfortunately I feel this whole journey is driven by finances and will power. We pay everything out of pocket and I'm not sure how but we have found some way to move forward without taking much time off between treatments. My husband owns a business with a business partner and the business does very well but they don't draw much of a wage because they want to pay everything off as soon as possible (which I understand because they are starting their 4 year) but it does get frustrating going through this journey because I feel like if we were a "normal" household with two incomes we could have done things a little quicker & less stressful financially. We've used the money that he makes to pay for our fertility treatments since we usually live off of my income for everything else. So for the most part it has worked out. We are just starting IVF in which we did have to barrow a small portion of the amount, which has been the first time we've had to do that. We do not like debt and the only debt we have is our home, business and now $5500 for IVF. That also helps keep my stress level down.

My Plan......

Ashley:
Well, we attempted our 3rd IUI cycle this past month. Unfortunately the IUI was cancelled because I had one growing follicle that stopped growing. My RE feels IVF is a much better option for us and highly recommends it. My DH and my game plan was to do 3 IUIs and then move onto IVF. So our first two IUIs were unsuccessful and our third was cancelled, so now we are moving on to IVF. I did some price searching and RE research and also talked to some of the ladies on my support group (Daily Strength) and found a facility that has a great program 100% refundable if no successful pregnancy after 3 fresh and unlimited frozen cycle attempts, it also guarantees 30 days of life or your money back. We can stop at any point and walk away and get our money back. This program cost also includes meds which most don't and can add additional costs to the IVF itself this is just one big package. I have to talk to the facility (RMIA) some time this week to get all my questions answered and then we'll be able to make our final decision if we are going with them or not. I feel really good about this. I am happy if for some reason this doesn't work we get our money back and then can use it towards adoption instead of taking out loan after loan and having financial stress! I'm really excited and optimistic that IVF will work for us!