Today is the Day

So, today is the day I go see Dr. Luck.

I'm excited... and very nervous.

I am always worried that my condition will be worse or that I will get bad news. With infertility there is so much "bad" already that it is hard to think of any positives.

But, I did my research on my doctor and on the facility. They are closer to my last and I am still hoping that their pricing is reasonable (that wasn't included on the website).

I'm also excited that she might help me to get my period to STOP. I've been having bleeding (anything from spotting to light to medium) since June 26th and am SOO tired of having to always be prepared when I go to the bathroom. And I miss my husband, if you know what I mean ;)

I can already hear some of what the doctor will say: "your weight is too high" "if you lose weight your cycles should start to normalize" etc. I know I have a weight issue.

My high was in 2009 and I weighed in at 245. Earlier that year we had done 2 cycles of clomid. Then in the spring we moved into my FIL's house while we worked on our credit to get our own. In the summer I registered for a fall class at the local community college (only Yoga, as a way to get back into the swing of classes). That summer I also started to take some Japanese diet pills that my SIL had wonderful success with. The first month I lost 10 lbs. The second month I lost another 10 lbs. I was so excited! I continued to lose 10 lbs per month for the next 2 months. So in 4 months I had lost 40 lbs. And I stalled in the progress. We moved into our house in November with some issues. January I went to see my OBGYN and while there she prescribed a diet pill. Within the next couple months I lost another 25 lbs. I had gotten down to 180 and, as much as I wanted to be at 160, I was very happy. Kept it off for a year. Then had some really hard science classes with late night studying and lots of stress. BAM 30 lbs in 2 lbs back on. Once that dam broke it ALL came back. Now I am sitting at around 245/250.  (see more in my weight blog)

It's hard.

So, as excited as I am about the appointment, I am very nervous and any ridicule I will receive while there. I am hopeful that they understand the weight can be VERY hard to lose for PCOS peeps.

I will keep you all updated :o)

Fertile/Infertile Fridays: A whole list of randomness

            Okay, to those who saw my emotional breakdown last night over yet ANOTHER pregnancy announcement, I am truly sorry. Some days or nights it gets to me more than others, last night was one of those nights. Perhaps its because she has had 3 different boyfriends in the last six months. Or perhaps its because I'm super hormonal and emotional...which brings me to my next topic.
            So I'm somewhat thinking since I decided to take this month off of the BC since I got it so late, I think even going off it for this month may have screwed up regulating my cycles already. The last couple months while I was on it, my periods ranged from 28 to 30 days. Although maybe its too soon to tell. Its only CD 32 so no need to freak out about I guess. Theres a very very very very very slimmer of hope that I have that this time could me that magical month...but...realistically I know not to think that. I'm just so worried about messing this all up (regulating my cycles) when I don't even want be on birth control in the first place. Maybe since my emotions are so out of whack its means AF will be here soon. Idk. I am really thinking about telling the doctor I don't want to do the BC anyways, but Im not sure. On one hand I feel like its pointless, on the other hand I see his point on wanting to try and regulate my cycles. Hopefully if I do the juicing like Steph suggested in the previous blog (Thanks Steph!), then maybe I will be able to at least get somewhere. That's another thing, this dieting and exercising has gone absolutely nowhere for me, in fact I'm GAINING weight. Ugh, so needless to say I think I need to try a different approach. So, I am really thankful for Steph's advice and suggestions. Thanks so much!
           Okay, so maybe this next topic will make some people angry and I'm really sorry if it does. However, I am so sick of not knowing what I want to do with my life, its probably so stupid and retarded that I have been ttc for so long way before I even knew what I want to do like career wise. I have tried to do like career aptitude tests and things like that. I still have no clue. People ask me what I have always pictured myself doing and other than being a mother I have no idea. Being a stay at home mom is out of the question though whenever I am able to have children. So hopefully I will figure all this out soon. I just feel like my life is so ridiculously out of place and I don't feel like I know how to get control of it. I keep praying for God to direct my path. I hope I figure out what to do soon though. I feel at a loss as of right now. It makes me feel so unsuccessful and like I have nothing to show for myself and that I'm lazy or something. It's not that I don't want to do anything with my life, I'm just scared to go to college and have debts of student loans and not even finish school because I change my mind or something.  Has anyone else battled this? What did you do to solve it? I need some help lol.

Oh one other topic really quick, is it weird for me to not want to talk to my husband about my emotions through this infertility/PCOS journey? Its not that I'm concerned about his feelings. Its just, I don't feel he understands and I just annoy him with my emotions about it. I'm conflicted about whether to tell him how I feel when I am hurting. Yes I do long for his support, however I just know how he is, and I just really think I would get on his nerves which would make the situation worse for both of us.
Oh I lied, one more topic. I am SOOO not ready for next month. I wish I could skip the whole freaking month all together. Number one: the dreaded mothers day (my heart sank just typing that). Number two: I am invited to like 3 baby showers as of right now for May. Number 3: May 21st marks 8 years since my mother has passed away. She passed away when I was 15.As several of you know, my father passed away in late February this year as well. I hate how doom and gloom I can be, and I am sooo sorry to vent about it. It's just hard. I'm now parentless and childish and not even that close to 30. Oh well, things could be worse. I know God has a plan, I just wish I knew how to control my emotions better. Oh June is a stupid month too now that I think about it. I lost my niece 7 years ago this June (my poor sister, idk how she did it, losing her mother and daughter within 12 months and 2weeks of each other. She is a strong woman indeed), and of course fathers day is in June, and the birthday of mine and my husbands best friend/brother in law that we lost in December of 11 to a drunk driver. So yeah May and June...not looking forward to those. Can't we just skip to July? lol I'm jk. Okay for real, I am so sorry for that Debbie Downer moment just there. I probably look like the most depressed person ever, but I promise I'm not.
Well I'm off to get ready to have a night out with one of my best friends. After I night like last night, I really need it. I hope everything is going well for everyone else. Have a great weekend everyone!-Sheila

Wonder Wednesday: weight loss with PCOS

Exercising sucks because its better to do with a friend but when your friend loses a ton of weight and you only manage to lose water weight and/or gain weight, it sucks. Then diets don't work... What's a girl to do?! When I first went to an Obgyn for pcos he prescribed me weight loss pills, I think it was fenedrin? Something like that. Those worked! But as soon as I stopped taking them the weight would just pile on fast. Also, you can't try to get pregnant taking it, oh and it messes with your heart. So I don't recommend that.
Next I tried weight watchers. That worked for a little while but I couldn't get past 12 lbs! Grrr... Even adding exercise, it never really worked for me. Not to toot my own horn but for my size I'm in pretty decent cardio health and flexible. I can drop it like its hot and get back up with no prob lol. But I'm a big girl. People forget that I can run, bike, and walk for long periods of time. So obviously exercising doesn't really work that well for weight loss for me. Although running works the best for me.
A little over a year ago my hubby and I saw a documentary called fat sick and nearly dead. It was about a guy who was sick of taking medicines to mask his ailments. He went to basics of fruits and veggies to see if they could heal him. After that documentary I was curious about seeing if it would help my pcos. We researched a lot and decided to start juicing. We would make a morning juice for breakfast to get used to it. Then we bought an actual juicer and started a juice fast. We would have a juice for breakfast, morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack. For dinner we would have organic non GMO healthy meal and focused on whole grains. Within 2 weeks my period started. I thought it was a fluke and carried on... 28 days later, it came again... This happened December, January, February, March, and April. I was also taking Maca supplement in conjunction with juicing. We used a book by Elaine LaLaine called Total Juicing for recipes or just inspiration for juices. We juiced mainly parsley, kale, collard greens and spinach, along with good fruits. I lost weight during this time but did not keep track of how much. If I had to guess it was around 25 lbs. I wasn't exercising at all even though I probably should have been. It was amazing how much energy I had and my skin started to clear up. I tracked one month and didn't ovulate but it regulated my period so I'm thinking it may have started to work if I had given it more time but we were at our year mark to do ivf and so I went in and did that. I really think that those months of juicing prepared my body for the ivf and it took! Would it have worked without the juicing? Maybe but I'll never know.
I'll share some of my juicing recipes on this blog when I find my recipe book that I scribbled "winners" in.

Mrs Red

Insecure and depressed.

At this point I feel so insecure about my body. When I stopped taking BCP I was 135 lbs. I probably gained 10lbs in the year that I was off of them before DH and I actually started TTC. in the 3.5 years that we have been TTC I have went from 145 to 206. :'( It has become a big issue for me. I've tried to get myself motivated to work out... To eat right. Its almost that I'm so depressed about having PCOS and not being able to have a baby that I can't motivate myself to get up and work out. I just want to lay in bed, eat ice cream or chips and watch old TV shows that remind me of when I was little. I have gained enough weight to have HAD a baby... but their is no baby to go along with the weight. Its depressing!

Shannon's post last night made me think about a couple of nights ago when I was telling DH that I just can't picture our lives as parents. I can't see my self as a mom. I can't see myself having baby toys around the house instead of dog toys. I just have a sinking feeling that maybe I'm not ever supposed to be pregnant. Maybe I'm not supposed to ever get to experience birth and feel a baby move inside me (yes I am one of those weird people that really REALLY wants to be in Labor, without drugs!). DH and I had a talk several months ago about adoption. We've decided that if we don't have kids and aren't expecting that when I turn 28 we will start the process of adoption.

How do you guys maintain your weight? I know that having PCOS can cause you to gain weight and can make you have a hard time with loosing the weight? Any tips on how to get motivated and get out of bed? I am determined to make 2013 better than 2012!