Special Guest Saturday: Candi

Sometimes love just isn't enough....

They say it is better to have loved and lost to never have loved at all.  I’m guessing whoever "they" is that thought they were so clever to say this never dealt with infertility or the loss that occurs when you lose a child.  I suppose that person has never gone from a place of extreme happiness to an all-time low.  And I suppose that person has never had to tell your husband who you have been ttc with for 12 years that you just experienced a chemical pregnancy aka miscarriage.  Some say it may be better to have loved and lost, but I disagree.  

We lost so much in that 5 minute phone call that we’ll never get back.  I never got to know what it feels like to feel our child(ren) grow inside me.  We never got to hear a heartbeat or wonder if we should buy pink or blue.  We never got to hold our child for the first time and count all their fingers and toes, wipe their tears, kiss their sweet head.  We never got to see a first step, hear a first word, bandage a boo-boo, mend a broken heart from their first love, celebrate a birthday or Christmas, shop for the prom, buy a first car, teach right from wrong, be proud at graduation, walk her down the aisle at her wedding or calm his nervous when he says he’s ready to propose.  We never got to see them rejoice when they purchase their first house or tell us they are pregnant and we will be grandparents.  We lost so much before we even had a chance to show our love.

We had only just found out we were pregnant 2 days prior but I already loved that baby with my whole heart and would have done anything to protect them.  We wanted that pregnancy more than anything in the world.  Our dreams were finally coming true and our prayers were answered.  I fell so deep in love with my baby(ies) the moment I heard “you’re pregnant” from my re’s office that my heart shattered in a million pieces when I was told it was over.  “This is some cruel joke” I remember saying.  2 months later and my heart still hurts from the loss.  After 12 years of ttc I had come to terms that I was part of the statistic of Infertility; part of the 7.3 million suffering daily.  I thought we had overcome infertility when we received our positive news.  I don’t know how to come to terms nor do I want to with the statistic of being part of the 20% of pregnancies that end in a miscarriage. Or become part of a group that has lost a baby to a chemical pregnancy which is so common almost 60% of first pregnancies that end like this.  We may never know the reason why our baby didn't survive.  I guess sometimes love just isn't enough to hold on to your miracle, no matter how much you try.   

All I have ever wanted was to be a mom; to have someone love me and depend on me; to give my husband a family.  It is an awful feeling when you find out that you can’t make your dreams a reality or when your reality is broken.  We have traveled the infertility road so long that I never thought there was anything that could hurt more.  Boy was I wrong!  We are now part of the group that has fought, won, loved and lost our miracle.  This pain hurts every day even when I try to push it away.  Just because I smile doesn’t mean I don’t ache.  Just because I laugh doesn’t mean I’m not crying inside.  Just because I love doesn’t mean my heart isn’t still broken.  We should be 3 months along right now.  Embracing all the changes, dealing with morning sickness, sneaking purchases of baby items when we still don’t know the sex(es).  I should be aggravating my husband with my cravings and needs.  However instead of everything we looked forward to, we are learning to survive and move on. 

We are currently on a break after this loss and another failed IUI.  We need some time for us and to prepare for another try.  We’ll try again one more time down the road because we don’t feel our time is done. I share all this with you not for you to feel sad or sorry for us, Lord knows I do that enough as it is, but to just keep the good thoughts, prayers and baby dust flowing our direction.  If you’re a mom or dad, hold your little one a bit tighter and be thankful for what you have.  Never take it for granted.  Love your miracles unconditionally because I know a group of at least 1,400 people out here suffering with infertility that would give it all to have that miracle. 

~*~*~I'm praying daily for every empty arm and broken heart.  ~*~*~

To follow Candi on her journey, please subscribe to her blog at

http://mylifedealingwithinfertility.blogspot.com/?m=1

Guest post: Cherish's Journey

DH and I meet at work while in our 30’s. We dated a year, were engaged for a year, and we waited a year to start TTC. When I was 34 we started TTC. My OBGYN said it could take a few months to a year. Well, we got lucky on the first try. That October we got our ANGEL!!! DS is now 6! Well, we decided to TTC for the 2nd kiddo when DS was about 3. I went in to my Wonderful OBGYN and said “Want a little girl born in the spring!” She laughed. I was confused and SERIOUS when I said; we got a boy born in the fall. What’s the problem? Well after a couple rounds of Clomid, she sent me to HER RE. I did some research and Dr. Chantilis is one of the BEST in Texas. His staff is SO nice! I was in love with him! Our first appointment was very promising. He did some tests, did a sono and told us that he would have us pregnant in a matter of months. He would be surprised if it would take more than 3. Wellllllllll. We did Clomid and trigger shots and NOTHING happened. He did more blood work. He had already diagnosed me with PCOS. The tests came back NOT good. He said we might not be able to get pregnant and might consider using an egg donor. I told him he was crazy. We tried some other medicines and then he ran more tests. I don’t remember the details or the Medical jargon but the tests were I had Pre-Ovarian Failure. My results were extremely high. One was Off the chart. Seriously were NOT even Registering! I was BROKEN!! The problem was ALL ME! I curled up for 2 days and cried. DH was so supportive. My sister was visiting and she and DH took care of me and DS. A few weeks later we decided to go the egg donor route. So we decided on one!! She was awesome!! THEN someone we knew had a pregnant friend come to her considering putting her babies (that’s right, twins. Boy and Girl TWINS!) up for adoption. We put the egg donor on hold. Plus it was around Thanksgiving and the holidays were hard enough as it was. Well, she kept the babies and then our egg donor got pregnant. We were back to square one. We found another egg donor and proceeded! March was the Time! The egg donor did GREAT. We ended up with THREE embryos. We transferred 2 and got pregnant. I was Pregnant on my 40th Birthday! I was SO HAPPY!!!! THEN on week 6, I had a miscarriage. We lost the baby. I was heartbroken. We still had one viable embryo. We had nothing to lose. That didn’t take. We had to take out a HUGE loan (that we are still paying on) and no baby. If I EVER have to pee on another stick I will probably go Postal! The heartbreak EACH time of seeing the negative result, the years of trying and not getting pregnant and the loss of the baby I only had for a few weeks is was the hardest thing I have ever lived thru. THEN we fell in love with a little baby boy............................. A WHOLE new roller coaster ride in a different park! ADOPTION!!

Guest Post: "Honey"

When my daughter was 5 I met the man of my dreams, a single father of two. I became a mom of three overnight practically and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. We also started trying at the beginning of our relationship we knew that we found our true match so why wait for the picket fence or the matching wedding bands when we had both already had that and it didn’t work out. We got pregnant luckily right away, but sadly it ended in yet another loss in august of 2009. I have not gotten a positive test since then. Due to this roller coaster we have taken breaks when we reach our breaking point of disappointment.

I am 10dpo and feeling defeated already, mostly because this has been the case off and on for the last 4+ years. I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 21 years old, I got married at 19 fresh faced and full of ideas of a white picket fence and at least four kids running around the yard. We started trying right away and it took almost the full two years to conceive her, the very cycle I got pregnant with her was to be my first cycle of clomid but AF never came and luckily 8 months  3 weeks later I had a healthy 6lb 2oz baby girl. We tried almost immediately for another child knowing it would probably take another couple years to conceive. Several losses later my marriage ended when my daughter was 15 months old, and my ex-husbands girlfriend was pregnant.

We are starting fresh yet again on cd 24,10dpo and I have I admit been willienillie about testing. I, like I am sure so many of us developed the all too common preggochondria “symptoms” at 6dpo convinced that we had conceived this is it I just “know” it. So I started testing at 8dpo,9dpo, and again this morning at 10dpo. All stark white negatives of course, with the taking of each new test your breath catches and then when its negative you think “why on earth do you keep doing this to yourself ?” With the ablity to bring joy or sorrow they are fickle little buggars. Good thing that was my last test and I have decided this cycle to order tests online now so they take a few days to get to me and I don’t have tests lying around taunting me, asking me to pee on them.

The thing is, no matter how many times a test or cycle defeats me for a short time, the time leading up to it where every twinge or pinch might be the symptom that leads to the positive test that will lead to another great blessing and joyous addition to our lives is what makes me get up dust myself off and say I can do this again. As cliché as it sounds and as frustrating as it is to hear from doctors and almost everyone that has ever gotten pregnant the first time they tried, “it only takes once.” This gives me hope, that not just me but everyone that can relate to my story can someday hold their baby in their arms. The joy of that keeps me going; hopefully sharing my story keeps you going as well, just for the joy of it.

Baby dust to all

~“honey”