Nine Years

I have thought of writing this post in several different ways. But after nine years of treatment, it doesn't feel like there is much more to say. We have come a long way and done a lot in the past nine years.

Nine years ago I was 21 and DH was 22. We lived in a duplex and had his younger brother (16) living with us. We had a 1 year old black lab. Decent jobs (he is still at the same one!) and weren't doing too bad. We decided to try having a baby, even though I'd already been off birth control for a while. And that is how our infertiliity journey started. And, thankfully, he has stuck by my side the entire time.

In the last 9 years we have done 2 HSGs, 11 rounds of clomid with timed intercourse, 1 ovarian drilling surgical procedure with hysteroscopy, and 2 rounds of IUI with clomid AND injections.

Infertility is such an emotional and heartbreaking journey that there are several years of non-BC breaks throughout the 9 year period.

We considered adoption and after one potential fall through we decided that the emotional toll would be too great for us at this time.

Our next step? IVF.

We had our consult April 10th. Since then I have had an HSG done again (much better than my first experience!) and a sono to check on my ovaries. We have discussed IVF variation options and pricing and have a plan. We are hopeful that this is it and will finally work. All I have to do is lose 18 lbs before CD 35 (if no period) and then we can begin.

But now we are waiting. And I forgot how HORRIBLE the waiting is. You say you'll be fine, you've had to do all sorts of waiting before, but you become obsessed with information and wish the days could go by faster so you could just START. It is difficult to distract yourself because IVF is like a thought bubble in your head that won't pop. You eat, sleep, and DREAM about it. You buy books, make mock-up calendars, and an IVF organizational binder. You luck up IVF and infertility charms and special clothes for ER (egg retrieval) day and transfer day. You join IVF support groups on facebook and it ends up flooding your newsfeed so that is all you see and therefore can't stop thinking about. People ask questions, you gladly tell them because you are excited, and then realize that any positive pregnancy announcement won't be a surprise and that part kinda sucks. May 17th needs to get here soon and these remaining 14 lbs need to disappear ASAP.

I thought after all these years I've learned patience. Apparently not. I even agreed with the doctor that I wouldn't do any HPT before the blood draw after transfer... Yeah, I have a feeling I won't be as strong as I initially thought about that.

This week is NIAW. Seeing the number of friends, family, and people that are dealing with infertility is just overwhelming. It is devastating knowing that so many of us are going through issues with infertility, whether it is at the beginning of the spectrum or the end, it sucks for everyone to have to deal with it for even 1 day. But, you are not alone. You've read some of what I've been through, especially if you have followed this blog for the last.... 5 (?) years. Ask us questions. Find us on our facebook page. I wish you all luck and baby dust.

Shannon

Confirming Its You Not Him

My journey continues a couple years later.... October 2010.

I had gotten news that a SIL was pregnant. I didn't take it well. (More on that to come). The next day, Hubs and I took off and tried to get further into setting up the infertility appointment with a specialist company.

Didn't even think that it can take WEEKS.

March 2011 we finally had our meeting with Dr. Christine Mansfield from Center for Assisted Reproduction Embryo.net. She was AMAZING. She was very informative and encouraging. I went over medical history (and brought in copies). She did an ultrasound to confirm PCOS (said I had at least 20 follicles on each ovary when most women have MAYBE 12) and noted my uterine lining was thick but said it may be from not having a period in so long (I already diagnosed that I am anovulatory). She also requested I take a glucose test to confirm that I didn't have hidden issues with my sugars that wouldn't show up in normal blood work.

She spoke to us about what our possibilities were based on my previous doctor records and their reports of me having PCOS. She recommended doing Clomid again since I have lost so much weight since the first round, and possibly doing Clomid with an insemination (they stick the sperm straight into my uterus when I ovulate). Did you know that Clomid works best at the lower doses?? The chances of conceiving are HIGHER at the low dose because at the higher dosage the lining in the uterus thins and there is only a 5% chance. BTW... each round of Clomid is $950. And each round is only 1 month. The insemination one is $1050 each round.

Through this whole meeting, the Hubs was with me (of course). And he was a nervous wreck. He knew he was going to have to do a sperm analysis. He actually wanted to just so we knew what all our cards were. But he was nervous. I tried to get him this book: 

http://www.plasticcupbook.com/

 But he refused to read it. Let me try to properly tell what he told me:

They called him to take the test and had him sign in with a time. He saw there was a sign out time so he assumed it wouldn't take him long so he put for 5 minutes after he went in. 25 minutes later... He came back out. I asked him about it and he said he was fairly confident that it would be no problem, just like masturbating. He said the room was ok and had magazines but he'd be okay and then flip the page and there would be Zach Galifianakis' face advertising a movie. And there would go all his hard work. He said on top of that he could hear the toilet flushing in the adjoining room and voices when people would walk by. He was worried that if HE could hear THEM and THEY could hear HIM. Basically he told me that, although he didn't believe it before, it is possible to cum when not hard. LOL

Anyhow, within 10 minutes of his turning in the donation they came back with the results.... Drumroll please....

PASSED WITH FLYING COLORS! 2.5 times the minimum number of sperm, and 1.5 times the minimum motility! In other words, his sperm was AWESOME.

And I was relieved that he didn't have a problem and it was just me. JUST ME. Great. Now I felt like crap even more. It is hard to explain. I didn't want anything to be wrong with him. He stressed about it enough and was sure that it was him. He need the confidence boost. I was so glad we didn't have any more complications. But that little part of me hurt. Knowing that I am the one to blame for not being able to get pregnant. Having to do fertility treatments is because of MY body. Not being able to create a family like most other couples is because of ME.

Some things are hard to not dwell on. Even now.
~Shannon