Sheila's infertility journey and birth story.

I apologize for how long this is, but here is our success story including our infertility journey and birth story. So let's start from the beginning. Shawn and I started our serious relationship and fell in love New Year's Eve of 2007.We knew God designed us to be husband and wife after dating for just a short while. We got engaged that next New Year's Eve in 2008 and got married that August of 2008. After some amount of time passed, we desired to grow our family. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes a baby in a baby carriage right? Well....not so much. For us came infertility. I will sum this up as quickly as I can while still conveying our struggles. No words can explain empty arms. There is a quote "Empty arms is a heavy load to carry", those words are so incredibly true. We tried for years and years with no success. Spending countless hours and dollars on hundreds and hundreds of ovulation tests and pregnancy tests,  peeing on more sticks that you can count. I went to so many baby showers where I was truly happy for the mother to be, but would have to sneak a way for a moment to silently cry for the sadness of the emptiness I was feeling and the longing to be a mother. Lying awake in the middle of the night on some nights, longing to have a crying child in your arms.  Passing a room that should be your baby's nursery,  wondering if you will ever have that opportunity as you peer into the room bleakly. Friends began having their first babies, then second babies, third babies and so on and you still remain childless. It already was hard for me from the beginning to know my child(ren) would never know their grandmother, my mother as she passed away when I was 15 years old. Then my father passed away when I was 24, making this even more painful now knowing my child(ren) would never know their grandfather either. I was never able to give them the joy of grandchildren.  Younger family members and peers continued having babies, while we could not. Even people who were in elementary school when we were married, were now having babies. That's a tough pill to swallow. Finally we became pregnant and saw those 2 pink lines and the word pregnant on pregnancy tests, but then I began bleeding. After multiple blood draws, my beta HCG (pregnancy hormone) kept raising but my bleeding kept getting heavier, so we were not sure what was going on. After a few weeks of waiting to see what was happening, my hcg started dropping and our miscarriage was confirmed Father's day weekend. That was so tragic for us. Rather than celebrating Father's day that year, I went out to get my husband a sympathy card and we just held each other and cried mourning our loss. Miscarriage is a constant reminder that you are losing your child, every pain, every trip to the bathroom, every baby you see or anything baby related.... constant physical, and emotional and painful reminders. I am fortunate we only suffered one miscarriage, whereas many women sadly encounter multiple losses. So after 5 or 6 unsuccessful medicated clomid cycles, many diagnostic tests, pelvic exams, countless blood draws, some male factor issues and 8 unsuccessful rounds of medicated letrozole cycles, we decided to proceed with an IUI medicated with letrozole and a trigger shot. This finally got us pregnant!!! This was the magic cycle that we conceived our son. I became high risk later in the pregnancy,  resulting in twice a week non stress tests, weekly doctor appointments (eventually twice a week appointments), added medication, a referral to a high risk fetal maternal medicine specialist and constant monitoring. Then at 34 weeks I began having some new symptoms and concerns. A few slightly high blood pressure readings, some protein in my urine, and a bad headache. After a time of triage and observation in the hospital,  my symptoms began getting worse although my blood pressure was normal and urine wasnt too abnormal although it did still have elevated protein and elevated leukocytes. My headache continued to worsen however despite 2 medications and then I began having hyperreactive reflexes indicating that I was presenting symptoms of severe preeclampsia and I was immediately prepared to be induced. Shawn was in Michigan on a work business trip and I was hysterical, but he luckily got to the hospital in time after a very fast drive home. Shortly after my contractions began, I began having labor shakes. Shawn kept repeatedly asking me if I was cold lol. I tried to get epidural during labor, but it never worked. It was replaced and moved several times, and they tried several different medications. The anesthesiologist spent the last few hours in my room trying different things with no success. I began getting very nauseous and bad heartburn...they gave me a very sour medication for the heartburn....a few second later I began vomiting despite over 30 hours with no food lol. One medication that was tried to relieve my pain, caused me to be veryshort of breath and the nurse did not like the way my lungs sounded, so I was put on oxygen. for a little bit. The anesthesiologist kept working at trying to get my meds to work, but nothing ever did help and it was time to push. During labor my blood pressure dropped very low, while I was pushing, the babys heart dropped to an alarming critical level below the teens. I was immediately put on oxygen and turned on my side, and the emergency NICU team was paged to my room stat. After I delivered his head, the doctor then vacuumed suctioned his body out so that she could get him quickly. The baby was gray/blue, not breathing, limp and lifeless. His cord was wrapped around his neck and body. There were no sounds of crying. I looked over to the incubator as the emergency NICU team worked on him for 5 minutes according to report, and they finally got him breathing and stable. Those 5 minutes were the longest minutes of my life and felt like an eternity. When I finally heard the faintest tiniest cry, I cannot begin to explain the relief we felt. We finally had a few minutes to hold our miracle baby that God blessed us with that we prayed so hard for. We welcomed Zion Josiah at 34 weeks 5 days gestation, weighing 4 pounds and 6 ounce and 18.7 inches long. The name Zion was a tribute to my late grandfather who passed away this past February while I was pregnant. The last church he pastored was called Mt Zion. He felt very honored and loved his name when we told him. Zion respectively means "Mount/ Monument of God" and Josiah means "God has healed". Our child certainly already has lived up to his name.  After a 2 week stay in the NICU, we brought Zion on home on Father's day. This was a very bittersweet day as the previous Father's day we had miscarried. We finally have our precious miracle baby on our arms.

1. 

Infertility, Successful treatment, secondary infertility, miscarriage, and a rainbow

Tomorrow will be 15 years that my husband and I have been together. 15 years! That's a really long time nowadays. We've been married 10 and started TTC right away. 5 years ago I was mid stim cycle for my First IVF and to my luck it worked on the first try. 

I wanted to round out NIAW with a message of hope. I know for many people their first IVF doesn't work. And neither does their 2nd, or 3rd, or 6th. But sometimes it does. And I think it's that hope that keeps all of us going. When I went for my IVF cycle, my husband and I were holding on to the last bit of hope we had. We had so many failed cycles that we poured all our money into this cycle. And it worked! 

The pregnancy was smooth, the delivery was smooth, everything was perfect. So we decided to try again. And of course infertility stuck around. I wasn't "fixed" like so many other people said I would be. "Well now you had one so your body knows what to do". Wrong! We had our first FET 2 years ago on national Infertility Awareness Week. And it worked! Or so we thought. I miscarried my twins at 9 weeks and was devastated.  We were in a better mental state than before having our daughter but it still hurt. I thought it would be easy. I thought my body knew what it was doing. It didn't. But. We pushed on and did another FET and we have another beautiful daughter who will be turning 1 soon. Her pregnancy was definitely not smooth and her delivery was just plain scary. But she's still perfect and our second rainbow. 

We would like more children. We always wanted a big family. I still don't think my body is "fixed" but we still have 6 frozen embryos that we would like to give a shot to. Not sure when but I'm hopeful that we will have at least 1 more little stinker. Hope got us here. And hope will get us through, no matter what happens. Even if it ends up just being our two princesses. 

I've stayed quiet on the page because I feel like even though both my girls were from artificial reproductive technologies, that I don't have a right to write on an infertility blog anymore. But I do. Having them doesn't mean I never suffered. Conquering infertility doesn't mean it doesn't still effect me. It does. And like I said, my body isn't fixed just because it carried them. I still can't do it on my own. 

But know that I know how hard it is. Know that I remember the nights crying out "why not me". The pain of watching people around you grow your families. I see you longing for a baby in your arms that you can call yours. I have hope for you. The pain we go through is so worth it. Keep fighting. Keep trying. Keep hoping. 

Love and baby dust to all!

Mrs Red

Nine Years

I have thought of writing this post in several different ways. But after nine years of treatment, it doesn't feel like there is much more to say. We have come a long way and done a lot in the past nine years.

Nine years ago I was 21 and DH was 22. We lived in a duplex and had his younger brother (16) living with us. We had a 1 year old black lab. Decent jobs (he is still at the same one!) and weren't doing too bad. We decided to try having a baby, even though I'd already been off birth control for a while. And that is how our infertiliity journey started. And, thankfully, he has stuck by my side the entire time.

In the last 9 years we have done 2 HSGs, 11 rounds of clomid with timed intercourse, 1 ovarian drilling surgical procedure with hysteroscopy, and 2 rounds of IUI with clomid AND injections.

Infertility is such an emotional and heartbreaking journey that there are several years of non-BC breaks throughout the 9 year period.

We considered adoption and after one potential fall through we decided that the emotional toll would be too great for us at this time.

Our next step? IVF.

We had our consult April 10th. Since then I have had an HSG done again (much better than my first experience!) and a sono to check on my ovaries. We have discussed IVF variation options and pricing and have a plan. We are hopeful that this is it and will finally work. All I have to do is lose 18 lbs before CD 35 (if no period) and then we can begin.

But now we are waiting. And I forgot how HORRIBLE the waiting is. You say you'll be fine, you've had to do all sorts of waiting before, but you become obsessed with information and wish the days could go by faster so you could just START. It is difficult to distract yourself because IVF is like a thought bubble in your head that won't pop. You eat, sleep, and DREAM about it. You buy books, make mock-up calendars, and an IVF organizational binder. You luck up IVF and infertility charms and special clothes for ER (egg retrieval) day and transfer day. You join IVF support groups on facebook and it ends up flooding your newsfeed so that is all you see and therefore can't stop thinking about. People ask questions, you gladly tell them because you are excited, and then realize that any positive pregnancy announcement won't be a surprise and that part kinda sucks. May 17th needs to get here soon and these remaining 14 lbs need to disappear ASAP.

I thought after all these years I've learned patience. Apparently not. I even agreed with the doctor that I wouldn't do any HPT before the blood draw after transfer... Yeah, I have a feeling I won't be as strong as I initially thought about that.

This week is NIAW. Seeing the number of friends, family, and people that are dealing with infertility is just overwhelming. It is devastating knowing that so many of us are going through issues with infertility, whether it is at the beginning of the spectrum or the end, it sucks for everyone to have to deal with it for even 1 day. But, you are not alone. You've read some of what I've been through, especially if you have followed this blog for the last.... 5 (?) years. Ask us questions. Find us on our facebook page. I wish you all luck and baby dust.

Shannon

NIAW 2017

                                          It has been said that many times the favorite things we imagine to play as a child is our destiny, calling, etc. For example, some children always wanted to play school teacher and lo and behold, they become a teacher. When I recall my childhood, I always wanted to play house. I always wanted to be the mommy with a baby doll cradled in my arms. My biggest dream- to be a mother. So as the years passed, I grew older and found a church where I there met my husband and got married. Life was supposed to be perfect, we were supposed to be married a year or so and then grow our family with a precious baby right? Wrong.

                                 Some time had passed through our marriage, and we came to a point where we began trying for a baby. We knew it would take some time, so at first we weren't too disheartened when it didn't happen. "It may take a few months", we told ourselves. Months turned into more months. Those months turned into one year. One year turned into two, and then more and more years. Infertility..... A word that wasn't supposed to be in our happily ever after.

                          This journey is certainly a difficult one. Everyone you know seems to get pregnant. Then they have one child, two children and more. You are still waiting. Thinking when will it ever be my turn? You wake up in the middle of the night restless, you pass your spare bedroom that should be a nursery. You silently cry thinking you should be in there with a baby in your arms. You go to so many baby showers you lose count, thinking to yourself will I ever get this chance? After peeing on what feels like your 10 millionth ovulation or pregnancy test, you squint and pray for a positive result. Blood tests after blood tests, pelvic exam after pelvic exam, multiple intrauterine procedures and ultrasounds, but no baby. You and your husband silently cry together at home discussing the hurt, but you don't dare mention those moments openly. Just some of the hardships, this circumstance can bring.

                         Through the grace and strength of the Lord, I have came to the most peace I have been through the waiting journey. That isn't to say, that there aren't hard days, but I can certainly say I'm in a better state of mind than I have been before. However, that came with some great hardships. I was at my lowest low. Somebody I had shared my heart with, my deepest hurts, my emotions, my soul and much more, hurt me so deep at a point where I had a little bit of hope, I didn't even know how to handle the situation. However, I honestly can say that really I owe this person a thank you. Because of this, I came to a point where I did not know how to handle anything anymore. I was literally at a breaking point due to the deep hurt. I literally cried my eyes out, my whole heart and soul to God, I truly laid down so much to Him, this is the turning point where I truly allowed God to help carry me through this journey. I felt it necessary to mention this part of the story because it was a part of tremendous growth for me. However, I have since forgiven this hurt, and love and care for this person very much :)

    

                           Now I think as a christian woman, one of the hardest things I struggle with is guilt. Although I do have peace in this trial, that's not say I am not human. I have hard days. I do have difficult days from time to time. I do have occasional cries. I struggle with feeling guilty. "Sheila, you are a christian, you are in leadership, you are supposed to be joyful". That thought invades my mind on those difficult days. I am trying to teach myself, it is okay. We have struggles. We have imperfections. Christ is there to hold us up. I look to him to carry me through challenging days. I have faith and holdfast to what I know and believe God has promised to me. I will keep striving ahead in my journey to be a mother. I will press on.

                        With that being said, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. I am 1 in 8. This week we write to raise awareness. If you too struggle with infertility, do not be afraid to speak out. If you ever need someone to talk with, or have any questions, please feel free to reach out to any of us. If you are a friend or family member of someone in this situation, try and understand and be the support they need. Please feel free to contact us if you need some guidance the appropriate things to say or do. Much love and peace to you all.

Xoxo,

Sheila ❤

An update- Not a ttc update, but somewhat related

I have decided to write an update since it has been a while. Although, as of right now DH and I are somewhat taking a break from proactively ttc. I mean, I am still charting and we are not preventing, however I have decided not to further my next steps until we have more of our ducks in a row (paying off some student loans and other debt, purchasing a more reliable car, etc). Lately I have been pretty busy though. I am nearly finished with school for medical assisting. I know it's not as intense as nursing (I have SO MUCH respect for nurses, because I know they are amazing and I surely couldn't do all that they do. Major props to Shannon! You go girl!), however, I have really been enjoying it. I am now on the externship portion of my education, and although it is very busy, I have been enjoying it very much! I felt so fortunate and blessed to have the opportunity to be placed at a reproductive medicine facility. I feel so passionate about any of those in this position. Some people that I knew had questioned my reasoning in wanting to be placed there, or they told me that my emotions would be too much of a problem working in that setting because of my own situation. I thought and prayed over it for a while, and still thought of nowhere else I'd rather be. I have discovered that I truly have a passion for this. I find myself wanting to research, learn and be aware of all areas. I have even had quite the opposite feeling while being at externship, than some people have expected. The whole time I am there, I don't even think about my situation with ttc. I just care about preforming my duties, providing the best care, and aiming to help all those dealing with this situation. Let me discuss briefly about the moment, I realized I had discovered that I was correct in why I wanted to be placed there so badly. One of the five doctors that I work under has a very particular way that he wants his patients roomed. So after you room his patients, you stand outside in the hallway until you have to do the next task required (It would take a long time to explain everything, so I am just summing up). So, as he went in to do an OB scan, I was waiting in the hall. Not that I listen or eavesdrop (I aim to give everyone their privacy), but when this doctor gets excited his voice carries and there is nothing I can do to avoid hearing him. Well, I heard him tell this couple "Congratulations! It's twins! They look great!", the couple then comes out and you could tell they were crying. The whole time this is happening, tears are rolling down my face as well. Tears of complete joy. Not tears of bitterness, envy, anger, sadness or any of the such. I was overwhelmed with complete joy, complete and utter happiness. I knew at that moment, there is nothing I want to do career wise, more than to help others who are also going through infertility. I am not sure if there is an opening for hire there or not, but I am hoping and praying, that by the end of my externship that there is and that they want to keep me for hire. Although, it does raise some concerns, such as if I get hired, I am not quite sure that I can be seen there when the time comes for me to further my treatment in ttc. However, to me, it will be worth it to drive somewhere further, to help those that I am passionate about helping. I guess time will only tell what will happen from here. I truly hope you all are doing well, I'd love to her from you, and here's to LOTS OF BABY DUST to each and every one of you <3

Baby Jack's birth story.

Hi guys! I just want to apologize for how long this gets! In the days leading up to my labor I had days where I was just done being pregnant. I had severe hip pain for most of my pregnancy that limited movement and sleep during the night. I was exhausted and tired of waking up in pain every hour of the night. But I fully expected to be pregnant much longer than I was. My due date was November 16th and I teased my Dad that I was going to be in labor on Thanksgiving (10 days past my due date).   

At 10pm on the 10th of November I started feeling what I thought were contractions. I started kinda timing them out and they were about 15 minutes apart. I figured that I would try to get some sleep and see how I felt in the morning. I was up and down the entire night, I didn't get much sleep- if any at all. My husband came home and I told him that he should try to get some sleep just in case this was really it. At 5 I got up and called the midwife to see if what I was feeling were really contractions or if they were suped up braxton hicks (I had been warned that most first time moms would believe that braxton hicks were contractions.) She told me that I was in labor and that when they got to around 1 minute long and 5 minutes apart to go ahead and come into the hospital. I woke up my husband to let him know that I was in labor but that he should still try to get some sleep because he had only been asleep for 3-4 hours. 

  

At 9 am I called the midwifes office and asked if I could just come in and see how dilated I was. No reason for me to drive all the way into the hospital if I wasn't dilated very far. At this point my contractions were about 6-7 minutes apart still only lasting 40-50 seconds long. They said of course come in and they would check me. So I went in and I was at a "tight 3" no need to head towards the hospital quite yet. Back home to labor some more. 

  

Around 4:30 we went in to get checked again. I was almost at a 4- the midwife reassured us that it takes the longest time to get to a 5 and that my body was doing it. It was just taking some time. This was not what I wanted to hear and almost brought me to the point of tears- I had been having contractions for what felt like forever and I hadn't made that much progress. She told me that I could go to the hospital whenever I felt like it- but since I wanted to go un medicated I decided it was best to go home and sit on the birthing ball and try to deal with them at home some more. 

  

Around 6 I decided to get in the shower and see if the hot water would let me relax and get some relief from contractions that were 3-5 minutes apart but still only lasting 40-50 seconds long- So I stubbornly still refused to go to the hospital. 

  

At 7:30 I got in the tub and tried to get some relief- Nothing was working at this point, I was exhausted and frustrated because my contractions were 3-5 minutes and still not lasting the minute. When I had gotten out of the shower and I was exhausted and laying on the bed just crying out of frustration my husband put his foot down and said enough- we are going to the hospital. 

  

I called my midwife when we got in on the highway to let her know that we were on our way. She said that she was on her way into the hospital to deliver another baby and she would meet me there (I really can't express how much I love my midwife and will be extremely disappointed if I can't see her for my future children) When we got to the hospital they put me in triage for an hour to monitor my contractions not knowing the my midwife just wanted me admitted- just a miscommunication. However they checked me and said that I was at  4.5- at this point I was ready to cry. In 12 hours I had made minimal progress. 

  

10 PM- Moved to a labor and delivery room. IV started (a first for me) paperwork signed, and they started monitoring baby again- I started walking around the room pacing trying to deal with the contractions. 

  

11:30- Midwife came into the room after delivering another baby (there were a total of 19 babies born during the night shift that night) and talked with me some about how things were going. I was exhausted and just wanted some rest at this point. She expressed her concern that I hadn't been able to get any rest in over 24 hours with the contractions- That it was looking like it was going to take more time that we thought. During the drive into the hospital I had told my husband that I was ok with the IV pain meds but I was still wanting to avoid the epidural if at all possible. So when she suggested the narcotics for me to get some sleep and see how I felt afterwards I gladly accepted. 

  

11:45ish- Narcotics were brought in by my labor and delivery nurse (Jessica). For those of you that have never had narcotics in an IV- WOW- that stuff was fantastic. I was still feeling my contractions- but I really didn't care. I but it made me really nauseous so she also gave me zofran in my IV. 

  

1AM- woke up from my drug induced sleep and felt like I needed to get up and walk through contractions again- Only I had to call for my nurse to help me get out of bed because they were afraid I would slip and fall with the narcotics in my system. 

  

2AM- Cervical check STILL AT A 4.5 I was at the point of tears now. They told me that at this point the considered that my labor had stalled and I could either try to stop the contractions or I had the option of Pitocin, or for them to break my water to get things going again... I was opposed to them breaking my water because then we were really on a time crunch. I opted for the Pitocin- but also requested the epidural. I was done. I was exhausted and just ready to hold my baby. If the Pitocin and the epidural were going to get me to that point I was going to take that step. So they turned up the saline drip on my IV and called for the epidural. 

  

2:30- Epidural was placed and I was laying flat on my back waiting for the epidural to kick in. 

  

2:45- Epidural had kicked in. LOVE IT. I could get some sleep and relief. They wanted to see if maybe the epidural would allow me to relax and get some more dilation- 

  

5 am- another cervical check- not quite at a 5 yet. 

  

5:30 - Pitocin started. 

  

7am- nurse shift change. Another cervical check- she said maybe at a 5.5 but it was hard to tell because baby was really low and my water was bulging. 

  

7:30ish- My water broke. I just remember looking at my husband and telling him that my water broke  and that I think I needed to call my nurse. She came in and checked me and said that I was at a 5.5 but my water had broke and things were on their way. 

  

8am- They had me laying on my left side for everything but my cervical checks(turns out we were dealing with a shorter umbilical cord and his heart rate would only stay stable when I was laying on my left side) - so my epidural had worn off my right side- OUCH. My left side was so numb that I couldn't move my leg by reaching down and trying to lift it with my hands- and my right side was dealing with the contractions that were lasting 80-90 seconds. I called my nurse and asked if there was anything that they could do so they came in and let me lay on my right side for a little while- which worked 

  

9am- The new midwife from the office was making rounds and came in to check on me. She said that she was going to position me on a peanut (an odd shaped birthing ball) to get my pelvic bone to open up and help the pitocin a little bit. 

  

9:30- I told my nurse that I wasn't sure if it was just the position or what but I was feeling a lot of pressure. She checked me again and said that I was just shy of 10CM and I was getting ready to push. I told my husband to call my mom. I had planned to call her when I was at a 7-8 and tell her to head towards the hospital- There was no stops between 5.5 and almost ready to push. The nurses started to prepare the room for pushing and told me that when I felt like my body was pushing on its own to let them know and that's when we will start pushing- so that i wasn't doing all of the work on my own, 

  

10:20- Called my nurse and told her that it was time to push. The midwife came in and we started pushing! 

  

10:42- My midwife told me to reach down and grab my baby as he was being born. I have never in my life been so in love with anything like that. From the moment I could see his little face and heard his cry I was completely obsessed with him. 

  

He was 7 LBS 3.2 OZ 19 inches long- Everyone in our families are completely obsessed with him. 

These are his newborn photos taken at 8 days. 

https://www.facebook.com/charmingmemoriesphoto/