I owe many posts updating about my fertility treatments since AUGUST.
Amazing how time flies between two jobs and holidays and fertility treatments. But I have a new laptop now and will be able to keep up more often. So, this isn't quite an update, but a heads up that I will update, LOL!
I'm not pregnant after the fertility treatments this fall.
Molly, previous author, had her baby on her birthday, November 30th. A little boy named Jonah.
If you are interested in being a guest, part-time, or full-time writer please fill out the form above or send an email to shannonw@fighting4fertility.org.in . I am getting emails now so I should be able to respond much quicker than every 2 months!
Okay so a little update! I'm on cd 43 out of a usual 30-33 day cycle. We didn't keep track of anything this month and tried to relax. I realized my period was late and so I've been testing and I swear I got a Bfp on Monday. I've only had bfns since then but feeling very nauseous and very sore boobs. I had a bit of orange cm today and the only way I noticed it was because I stuck the toilet paper up there (sorry to be blunt!) There's no more though. I was excited on Monday, confused yesterday, and insane today. I called the doctor and they want me to retest on Monday and then call them. *sigh*
Well, it wasn't implantation that I was feeling. Af showed up on Monday with a vengeance. I was SO convinced this was it. Oh we'll, just trying to recooperate!
A few updates for you:
~Yesterday was Halloween (aw...kids in costumes... TEAR FEST!)
~Halloween its my husband's favorite holiday
~Yesterday was CD38
~Hoping the above connections would be lucky I took a HPT
~HPT = BFN
~Nursing application for Spring 2013? REJECTED (2nd time)
~A friend had her baby today... and she even took plan B!
~My furbaby had nine puppies!!!
My point to all of this??
Each rejection feels like your world is falling apart.
Having kids should be life's one guarantee, if we choose. When you can't succeed at THAT you feel like there is nothing you can succeed at.
Maybe I just need a nap... and a drink.
Some days my body just confuses me. I've been cramping on and off for about 2 weeks, on top of that I've spotted twice this cycle, making me think that af is on the way. But nope, nothing happens. I'm on CD39 and I'm just so frustrated. I took a hpt last Sunday and was just a little hopeful. I snuck into the bathroom and BFN. I try really hard not to let DH know when I'm I'm taking a pregnancy test, he gets so so hopeful and it breaks my heart to tell him it's just another BFN. It's hard enough to admit silently that it's negative. When you have to say it out loud its twice as bad.
I have to remind myself that life isnt all that bad. Our dryer went out Tuesday, it was overheating and starting to melt the plastic covering around the wires. I had no idea how we were going to replace it. DH doesn't start working until next month! Frustrated I turned to Facebook (who doesn't lol). One of my families old friends and neighbors said he had a nice dryer that he would sell us and we could work out payment later! When we went to pick it up it was a whirlpool duet! He also let us have the washer that went with it. You know your an adult when you get excited about a new appliance!
Oh, and we got some pictures taken last weekend. ;) this isn't a posed picture. She was actually taking a picture of my sister and BIL and turned around and snapped this. It's one of my favorites!
It's been a while since I've posted so I suppose it's time for an update! Well I took 50 mg of Clomid this cycle, days 3-7 and never got a positive opk. Booo. I'm on cd 25 and pretty much just waiting for af to arrive so we can hopefully start a higher dose of Clomid next cyle! Then if that doesn't work I have money saved up for an hsg test! So I guess I'll keep on keepin on! Meanwhile, I've been super busy with my photography! Check out this most recent cutie I had the pleasure of photographing!
So I took an hpt this weekend...how foolish of me. Bfn! Like I didn't see that one coming. My nauesa only went away for like a day and its back again. Oh and I have to pee like every 30 minutes. I dont know what the crap is wrong with me. I wish my body would stop playing games with me. I guess maybe I just have some sort of virus along with a bladder infection or something? Idk...life just makes me mad sometimes. I keep having that little slimmer of hope in the back of my mind saying "well maybe you tested too early", I would feel foolish testing again just to make myself upset again so Im not even putting myself through that. Hope I can get over this sickness soon.
Before I continue, did I tell you I did the parsley tea?? No? Ok... So I tried the tea. Got down one glass (with some sugar while holding my nose). Then didn't drink anymore. That was 2 weeks ago..
For the past week I had been complaining to Steph about my boobs being sore. Annoyingly sore. Since I don't get period warnings I was HOPING it would be a sign of pregnancy, regardless of the bloodwork results from CD 26. She insisted that maybe my period was about to start.
Who won??
Well... yesterday AF arrived.
As disappointed as I was, I was wanting it to come so I could move on.
Because my doctor hasn't called me back and I'm too busy/offended to call HER, I decided that this cycle I am going to try the GNC Fertility Blend for Women. I thought about buying the men's too, even though his numbers are AWESOME, but that is yet ANOTHER $40 for something I can't guarantee he would even take.
So, $40 for 1 month (90 pills = 3 pills per day) I will take these pills and plan on adding my vitamins back into my diet too... I've been so discouraged lately (for the past month) that I haven't even bothered with taking them either.
If I'm not pregnant with this cycle, I will call the doctor again and up my dosage of Clomid.
I also plan on tackling DH so we can sit down and discuss or fertility plan. This road looks like it is just getting harder and I want to have a plan set.
How is the baby thing going? – If you have been trying for a while and your friends and family know, you will eventually hear these words. I dread these words, even though most of the time they are well meaning. I hear them quite often from old coworkers, friends from High School, people from Daniel’s first duty station. These people aren’t trying to hurt me, or make me sad or angry. Those 6 little words- they can break your heart over and over again. In just those 6 little words I am reminded that 3 years ago we decided to turn our family into one of 3. That after all the arguments from Clomid mood swings, the shots, the money and time spent, everything we are still a family of two. What most drunken teenagers do on accident, my body has refused to do even with medical coercion. So most of the time I just smile and say it’s going ok, when I want to cry, scream and run away all at the same time. How do you explain to someone that it breaks your heart to hear those words? That every time I’m asked all the emotions of the past three years seems to come rushing back? It’s the pain that I felt every month when I saw everybody around me announcing they were pregnant, or the frustration of not getting a Dr. to listen to me- even when I knew something wasn’t right. It’s the fear every month when I had to go get the trigger shot, and the overwhelming sadness two weeks later when the BFN was staring me in the face. I know that I can get a little over sensitive according to members of my family. But you can’t control an emotional reaction. For me, I would rather have somebody walk up and slap my face, because it would be less painful.
And I am at the same spot I was in spring of 2009 when we stopped the clomid after 100mg. Just the feeling that it isn't going to happen. Disappointed failure and that treatments worth pointless.
I have to remind myself that it isn't going to be easy and that I have to keep going. That isn't as easy as some might think. I wish I could get pregnant like most normal people and not worry about if I will even get AF to get pregnant (I am currently on CD52... further proof I didn't ovulate).
I'm now 26. I know that most of my friends aren't married or they don't have kids and may not for years. But I also know that most of them don't have these complications.
I don't know what to do anymore.
You can pray for me but please don't tell me to pray. I know that most of our readers and writer's are very Christian but I am struggling with what I believe and have been for a while now.
"I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know...
Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands"
Some Nights - FUN
Well today is CD 33 and I'm still getting BFNs. I called my doctor today to discuss doing an HSG dye test within the next couple cycles. Of course it's waaay expensive and had to be paid up front. And of course our insurance won't cover it. So I spent a good chunk of the morning choking back tears at work. We also found out the other day that my husbands grandfather has a large brain aneurism that looks like it might burst (which would be fatal) and THEN my husband got a phone call this evening about his dads recent test results...the Dr. is pretty sure he has pancreatic cancer. I know everything happens for a reason, but why God, why?
So sorry for such a whiny, negative post. I'm sure I'll be in better spirits tomorrow. Just send up all your prayers tonight. Xoxo
Yesterday was officially the end of Cycle 1 of Clomid as I started Provera again.
Doctor had called and confirmed on July 5th that the pregnancy blood draw came back negative so she went ahead and sent the increase dose of Clomid (100) and the provera to my pharmacy.
When I start taking Clomid I will begin to track my LH with the ovulation strips again.
I hope you guys are having some good luck out there!!!
For those of you who have been following the blog (THANK YOU!!!), you know that I am on a cycle of Clomid at 50mg. (Is it mg?? IDK, but you know what I mean!)
Day 19 was a blood draw for the progesterone level, which determines if you have ovulated. I've also been tracking temperature and using those home ovulation predictor kits.
As of today, Day 26, I have had no significant spikes in temperature and my ovulation strips don't even come CLOSE to the control. (Day 24 was the closest, but only about 3/4 there.)
Yesterday I called to schedule my blood draw for the pregnancy check. Having been tracking all that I also asked what my numbers were. She told me but I didn't have any clue as to how that compared to with what amount was desired.
Follicular phase (eggs growing in ovary): 0.2-1.4 ng/mL
Luteal phase (post ovulation): 3.3-25.0 ng/mL
Mid-luteal (plateau after ovulation): 4.4-28.0 ng/mL
Postmenopausal: Less than 0.7 ng/mL
Pregnant 1st trimester: 11.2-90.0 ng/mL
Pregnant 2nd trimester: 25.6-89.4 ng/mL
Pregnant 3rd trimester: 48.4-422.5 ng/mL
And my numbers were..... 0.3 ng/mL
So nothing. I mean, I was pretty sure nothing happened, but I was still hopeful. And then if it there was no ovulation, I was hoping the levels wouldn't be at the BOTTOM of the "nothing" bracket.
I don't know what to think at this time. I had prepped mentally that it may not work this round but it still sucks. I think I teared up for a minute but then felt stupid for doing so since I had been sure that it didn't work.
Oh well. Here goes another month at a higher dosage. And yes, I will still check LH until I run out of strips for this cycle.
And starting to add ALL my vitamins back in... But will save that for another post :)
So, Monday morning I kept waking up feeling really sick to my stomach and nauseous and like I really needed to throw up. Finally, at 430 when the husband's alarm went off, I gave up. Decided I needed to go and sit up and watch tv. First I took a pregnancy test. Figured it'd been 2 months since my last one so, why not?
I knew what the result would be. But EVERY time there is this little spark of hope that MAYBE, just MAYBE it will be different this time.
Of course it wasn't! How foolish could I be?!
I hate taking these tests. Even if I know they are going to be negative, that spark of hope drives me crazy and then the walls crash down.
Luckily I slept sitting up for a couple hours and felt MUCH better when I woke.
