Disappointing Month

August was not as good as I expected it to be.

I had really high hopes when I shouldn't have.

My OPKs were coming back super close to the control that I was sure I ovulated.

My ovulation bloodwork was the Friday before my birthday and the pregnancy bloodwork was the Friday after.

I hoped that would bring me luck.

Everything seemed to be pointing out that August would be great and the Clomid 100mg would work and I'd have a great birthday month!

But alas, nothing turned out how I hoped.

Ovulation bloodwork: Negative.
Pregnancy bloodwork: Negative.

And I am at the same spot I was in spring of 2009 when we stopped the clomid after 100mg. Just the feeling that it isn't going to happen. Disappointed failure and that treatments worth pointless.

I have to remind myself that it isn't going to be easy and that I have to keep going. That isn't as easy as some might think. I wish I could get pregnant like most normal people and not worry about if I will even get AF to get pregnant (I am currently on CD52... further proof I didn't ovulate).

I'm now 26. I know that most of my friends aren't married or they don't have kids and may not for years. But I also know that most of them don't have these complications.

I don't know what to do anymore.

You can pray for me but please don't tell me to pray. I know that most of our readers and writer's are very Christian but I am struggling with what I believe and have been for a while now.

"I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh
What do I stand for? What do I stand for?
Most nights, I don't know...
Well, that is it guys, that is all - five minutes in and I'm bored again
Ten years of this, I'm not sure if anybody understands"
Some Nights - FUN

Is it weird?

I am 20 weeks and 4 days today... I'm more excited than I can put into words, yet, I have not gone fb public with my announcement yet. I'm sure my family is getting irritated that we haven't shouted it from the rooftops, but, I mean when is it "safe" to tell people? NEVER!

I know I gave up my worry to God weeeeeeks ago but I don't know if I'm quite ready to tell everyone I know yet. I can't hide it at work anymore, but I can hide it online... We said we would announce when we found out the gender at my anatomy scan at 20 weeks but... Baby had other plans, the legs were crossed so we don't know what we are having... soooo.... That idea is half shot, so should I wait til I know? I mean it's probably only a few more weeks away... We took some pictures Sunday with the sono picture with the plans of going fb public with them but then today I edited them and I love how they came out, but I can't post them. Maybe it's because tomorrow is 9/11 and it just doesn't seem appropriate? Idk... I'm just rambling...

Is it weird I haven't shared my joy with people? or does it seem like IF has left me jaded? Is it normal to want to be cautious in who I share my news with??? And then on top of all that, I feel like I shouldn't be posting anymore on a fertility blog, I feel lost right now, I don't fit in with the fertiles and I don't feel like I have any right to be saying anything here either... It's a very strange limbo I never thought I would be in, and as thankful as I am for the opportunity, I just feel lost in the world. IF has been such a big part of my past, and the future is so uncertain...

Maybe I'm just weird

-Mrs Red

Stating the obvious

I want a baby. I like reeeeeally want a baby, I want to will my uterus to be pregnant now... I'm having one of those bad days and it sucks... I feel like my husband would love me more if we had a baby, I feel like he would think more of us as a family if I was at least pregnant. He's wonderful, he really is... I'm just feeling so guilty right now.... Im so exhausted...

I want a baby

-mrs red