Guest Post: "Honey"

When my daughter was 5 I met the man of my dreams, a single father of two. I became a mom of three overnight practically and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. We also started trying at the beginning of our relationship we knew that we found our true match so why wait for the picket fence or the matching wedding bands when we had both already had that and it didn’t work out. We got pregnant luckily right away, but sadly it ended in yet another loss in august of 2009. I have not gotten a positive test since then. Due to this roller coaster we have taken breaks when we reach our breaking point of disappointment.

I am 10dpo and feeling defeated already, mostly because this has been the case off and on for the last 4+ years. I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 21 years old, I got married at 19 fresh faced and full of ideas of a white picket fence and at least four kids running around the yard. We started trying right away and it took almost the full two years to conceive her, the very cycle I got pregnant with her was to be my first cycle of clomid but AF never came and luckily 8 months  3 weeks later I had a healthy 6lb 2oz baby girl. We tried almost immediately for another child knowing it would probably take another couple years to conceive. Several losses later my marriage ended when my daughter was 15 months old, and my ex-husbands girlfriend was pregnant.

We are starting fresh yet again on cd 24,10dpo and I have I admit been willienillie about testing. I, like I am sure so many of us developed the all too common preggochondria “symptoms” at 6dpo convinced that we had conceived this is it I just “know” it. So I started testing at 8dpo,9dpo, and again this morning at 10dpo. All stark white negatives of course, with the taking of each new test your breath catches and then when its negative you think “why on earth do you keep doing this to yourself ?” With the ablity to bring joy or sorrow they are fickle little buggars. Good thing that was my last test and I have decided this cycle to order tests online now so they take a few days to get to me and I don’t have tests lying around taunting me, asking me to pee on them.

The thing is, no matter how many times a test or cycle defeats me for a short time, the time leading up to it where every twinge or pinch might be the symptom that leads to the positive test that will lead to another great blessing and joyous addition to our lives is what makes me get up dust myself off and say I can do this again. As cliché as it sounds and as frustrating as it is to hear from doctors and almost everyone that has ever gotten pregnant the first time they tried, “it only takes once.” This gives me hope, that not just me but everyone that can relate to my story can someday hold their baby in their arms. The joy of that keeps me going; hopefully sharing my story keeps you going as well, just for the joy of it.

Baby dust to all

~“honey”