2009

2009 was a particularly hard year for me. In march my grandfather (moms step dad but still) passed away. It was hard that he never got to have his own children but that never mattered to him, my mom n her brothers were his children and we were his grandchildren. Being the oldest grandchild I am expected to have the grand babies first you know, well when he passed away it hit me hard we still didn't have children to share with all our wonderful family.

Later that year I found out I was pregnant but I didn't know it until I was already losing the baby. I had taken Clomid in September and my 21 day progesterone check showed I didn't ovulate, on schedule at least... I'm guessing I ovulated sometime in late October because I had been sick all through November with weird spotting. No period between September and November so I figured the spotting was just my period coming. My mom kept telling me to get checked but I didn't believe her. Well I finally checked the week after thanksgiving and it was positive, only thing was I knew something was wrong because I started bleeding worse and within that day I started having bad cramping. I went to the bathroom and it was like a scene from Carrie. I felt what I can only describe as contractions and then I passed it. I undoubtably knew what had just happened. I knew it was happening the whole time but I didn't want to face it. I told my hubby when he got home from work.
We told my in laws but they were having family issues so no one seemed to care. My cyster SIL was pregnant and on bed rest and when I went to visit she questioned me like I was lying. That hurt. I don't talk about it but it was real and it happened. I wasn't angry at God because I asked him for a sign that one day I would be pregnant even if it meant a miscarriage now, I just needed a sign. Be careful what you pray for because sometimes you get what you really don't want but ask for anyways.

To make the year worse, my brother's (now ex) girlfriend got pregnant and aborted the baby not even a few weeks after my miscarriage. My brother was ready to get married and join the military but she didn't want to give up her party lifestyle of getting high and drunk. He broke up with her and I'm glad he did.
A month after that my dog of 8 years died. It really was a hard year for me...

-Mrs Red