It has been said that many times the favorite things we
imagine to play as a child is our destiny, calling, etc. For example, some
children always wanted to play school teacher and lo and behold, they become a
teacher. When I recall my childhood, I always wanted to play house. I always
wanted to be the mommy with a baby doll cradled in my arms. My biggest dream-
to be a mother. So as the years passed, I grew older and found a church where I
there met my husband and got married. Life was supposed to be perfect, we were
supposed to be married a year or so and then grow our family with a precious
baby right? Wrong.
Some time had passed through our marriage, and we came to a
point where we began trying for a baby. We knew it would take some time, so at
first we weren't too disheartened when it didn't happen. "It may take a few
months", we told ourselves. Months turned into more months. Those months
turned into one year. One year turned into two, and then more and more
years. Infertility..... A word that wasn't supposed to be in our happily ever
after.
This journey is certainly a difficult one. Everyone you know seems to
get pregnant. Then they have one child, two children and more. You are still
waiting. Thinking when will it ever be my turn? You wake up in the middle of
the night restless, you pass your spare bedroom that should be a nursery. You
silently cry thinking you should be in there with a baby in your arms. You go
to so many baby showers you lose count, thinking to yourself will I ever get this
chance? After peeing on what feels like your 10 millionth ovulation or
pregnancy test, you squint and pray for a positive result. Blood tests after
blood tests, pelvic exam after pelvic exam, multiple intrauterine procedures
and ultrasounds, but no baby. You and your husband silently cry together at
home discussing the hurt, but you don't dare mention those moments openly. Just
some of the hardships, this circumstance can bring.
Through the grace and strength of the Lord, I have came to the most
peace I have been through the waiting journey. That isn't to say, that there
aren't hard days, but I can certainly say I'm in a better state of mind than I
have been before. However, that came with some great hardships. I was at my lowest
low. Somebody I had shared my heart with, my deepest hurts, my emotions, my
soul and much more, hurt me so deep at a point where I had a little bit of hope, I didn't
even know how to handle the situation. However, I honestly can say that really
I owe this person a thank you. Because of this, I came to a point where I did
not know how to handle anything anymore. I was literally at a breaking point
due to the deep hurt. I literally cried my eyes out, my whole heart and soul to
God, I truly laid down so much to Him, this is the turning point where I truly
allowed God to help carry me through this journey. I felt it necessary to mention this part of the story because it was a part of tremendous growth for me. However, I have since forgiven this hurt, and love and care for this person very much :)
Now I think as a christian woman, one of the hardest things I struggle
with is guilt. Although I do have peace in this trial, that's not say I am not
human. I have hard days. I do have difficult days from time to time. I do have
occasional cries. I struggle with feeling guilty. "Sheila, you are a
christian, you are in leadership, you are supposed to be joyful". That
thought invades my mind on those difficult days. I am trying to teach myself,
it is okay. We have struggles. We have imperfections. Christ is there to hold
us up. I look to him to carry me through challenging days. I have faith and
holdfast to what I know and believe God has promised to me. I will keep
striving ahead in my journey to be a mother. I will press on.
With that being said, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week.
1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. I am 1 in 8. This week we write to
raise awareness. If you too struggle with infertility, do not be afraid to
speak out. If you ever need someone to talk with, or have any questions, please
feel free to reach out to any of us. If you are a friend or family member of
someone in this situation, try and understand and be the support they need.
Please feel free to contact us if you need some guidance the appropriate things
to say or do. Much love and peace to you all.
Xoxo,
Sheila ❤
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