My birthday and the future

So my birthday was pretty good. My period started ON my birthday as expected, bummer because it means I'm not preggo but awesome because it's month 3 of regular cycles.
We took a trip to the outlets and my hubby just gave me money to freely spend. I really only got a shirt and some pants because I wanted a bike that he told me he was planning on getting me and didn't want to spend too much. Plus I really just wanted to go to the outlets to walk around. We avoided the baby and maternity stores but had fun. Then we went to my favorite BBQ place for an early dinner.

On the way home we started talking about the future. At the end of last year he told me he wanted to get back into it after my birthday. So we were talking about it and reality started setting in on how much it's really going to cost. Not only is it medicine and the procedure but we will both have to take time off of work, and I don't get paid time off...

So Monday I called the doctors and told them we were ready. They said I would go on BC for a month and meet with the anesthesia tech and then we would start everything on my next cycle. *gulp* Ok, so it's kind of quick for me and my job, and time off and I need to prep them for all the time I was going to be out. So I think my next cycle we will do it! I'm so nervous! We aren't going to tell anyone because my family can be... Stressful.... I know they mean well but just about every single person in my circle is more hurtful than helpful at this stage... Another post for another day...
Anyways, I'm really excited, I need to check with my doctor because we are going on a trip in may, which is kind of why I've been telling everyone June is when we'll start. Idk we'll see what the doctor says. :-)

-MrsRed

Vacation and starting our IVF journey

I apologize that I haven't been on here much lately. I just returned from vacation 2/19, we were in Arizona (visiting my grandparents) and Las Vegas (with friends) -we had a wonderful and relaxing time. Before we left things were crazy with work and getting our labs done for our IVF pre-screening. So once we returned we had our nephew's baptism and found out from my husband's brother that they are expecting again (nothing like getting back to reality and getting slapped in the face with that right away) I am excited for them, I just wish they would have handled telling us the news better (we were the last ones to know and were told in front of 20+ people.) Anyhow, we had our first IVF start appointment on 2/22, I'm on BC and will be starting Lurpon 2/29. I have my first baseline US on 3/8, hopefully the cyst that is on my left ovary will be gone so we can start stimulation meds on 3/10. So we'll take it one step at at time. I'm so excited because I feel like this is going to work :)

Good luck to all of you who are TTC!!!!
-Ashley

Beautiful Picture

Happy Birthday, Mrs Red!!

Yesterday was Steph's birthday!

In the infertility world, birthday's can be VERY hard. It is another reminder of what we have been through in the past year.

But I want everyone to ENJOY their birthdays. Yes, we are older. We may not have achieved what we wanted. BUT WE CAN STILL HAVE FUN.

It is another reminder to ENJOY what we have been given and a reminder to appreciate every day that we have. We tend to wrap ourselves up in this infertility world... Why not let us have one day to appreciate US?

Steph, I hope you had a GREAT birthday. I hope you enjoyed every minute of it and that you did things you wouldn't be able to with kids. I hope you still have hopes and dreams for this coming year and I hope you achieve them. Have a great year!!

~Shannon

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Question #30

30. After a month of infertility talk, we need a distraction. Give us a link to one of your favorite non-infertility-sites, or tell us about your favorite distraction activity/book/feel-good movie.

Shannon:

A few things... I've recently discovered Pinterest and will spend ALL day looking up potential craft products (some that I might even be able to sell on my Etsy site!). I also crochet (as you can see on etsy) and I like to read and my hubs recently bought me a Kindle and my mom introduced me to Kindle on the Cheap and I found Kindle Hearts on Facebook. Those two fan sites will update with FREE or CHEAP/Discounted books EVERY DAY!!! SO AWESOME!

February 13, 2011

One year ago today my husband and I went to the fertility clinic for our first actual IUI procedure. We were both so nervous. A few weeks before I caught bronchitis and was still getting over it. I hoped that my coughing wouldn't hinder the procedure... So we get to the clinic at 7 am and Miguel makes his deposit. Then we go to Einstein bagel brothers and have breakfast and just wait til it's procedure time. We got back about 30 mins early and just waited in he waiting room. Finally they took us back and told us how awesome my hubby's swimmers were and explained the procedure. Then we started. They put the speculum in and then put the turkey baster in and inseminated me. My husband gel my hand the whole time. It pinched a little but it wasn't bad or anything. Then they left us alone in the room. I kept trying not to cough but didn't help. I had no idea the Obgyn tables tilted like they do haha. Well we went home and I took a nap in bed (even though bed rest isn't required). When I woke up, my hubby had the biiiiigest bouquet of flowers for me and an even bigger smile and said happy valentines day! It was Sunday February 13, 2011. I'll never forget it. The date of my first failed IUI. I was crushed when we found out it didn't work... Even more crushed when my best friend told me she was pregnant. I was jealous because she is so fertile, and I'm well.... Not....

One year ago today... We were so happy and full of hope, it really was a good day. Too bad it couldn't have been memorable for a better reason :-/


Mrs Red

Question #29

29. Tell us about a friendship you lost or a relationship that changed for the worse because of infertility.

Shannon:

I haven't lost or worsened any friendships or relationships. I don't have that many friends anyway, and the ones I do are kind enough to listen and sympathize. Any issues I had with family members due to their fertility success vs my infertility was resolved afterwards.

Steph:

None of my friendships really changed for the worst... Everyone that has done or said anything to get to me is family so I'm stuck with them lol

Ashley:
My relationships have grown with different people in different ways. I'd say for those people who are interested and empathize those relationships have grown. Those friends who just think I need to relax or that it will come in time (like its not a big deal and don't have any clue about the emotions and toll it takes on us) I've become a little more distant or tend to pull away but not significant way.
Three relationships that stand out:
1. My sister (only sibling): we told her and her husband Nov. 2010, she got pregnant Sept. 2011, since she's been pregnant I feel like its hard for her and hard for me so she's cautious what she says around me for the most part, but its because she's being courteous. We've never had the closest relationship but I have been hoping for a long time when she got pregnant that would strengthen our relationship (because I've always wanted to be pregnant she has not) but because I'm struggling with this, it hasn't changed our relationship much. I do have more respect for her now because of the way she's handled things through this time.
2. Friend: She found out she was pregnant right when I was diagnosed. She believes it will happen to us, we just need to relax and it will come in time. (when she's probably going to get pregnant with her second child soon) When we get together with a group she always seems to say stuff about it that makes me resent her. She is a little self absorbed.
3. My Grandmother: She is a person who is sweet and carrying but also wrapped up in herself. Since we've told her she has been a total different person than I've ever known. She truly empathizes for us, prays for us and thinks of us daily. She has been so thoughtful I just am amazed, and it has made our relationship grow immensely.

Question #28

28. Have you ever done something “non-traditional” in order to help you conceive?

Shannon:

I haven't tried anything other than the Vitex vitamin. I do want to try acupuncture, although it terrifies me, fertility massage, and a chiropractic visit. One day :)

Mrs Red:

A Mexican tea blend. It was super complicated, had a special pot, you never drained the pot, just added more water to equal a liter, more leaves and boiled every morning. It tasted disgusting and had. Very distinct smell. And it didn't work. I had to rub belladonna and apple *something Spanish* cream on my stomach every morning for 2 weeks. It was very complicated and didnt work at all. But it appeased my MIL.

Ashley:
I have tried a Chiropractor for a short while, but she really made me mad after a month when she questioned if I was sure I was ready to do IVF because I'm young and could have multiples, etc. I haven't gone back since. I felt like it made me feel better but I don't think it really would affect my infertility.

Question #27

27. If you had known that you would have trouble conceiving, what would you have done differently in life? If you already knew, did that knowledge affect your other life choices?

Shannon:

I would have hoped to catch this sooner before it progressed as far as it has. Granted, I found out at 21, so it wasn't very late in the process. I do wish that I had stayed in college and gotten that out of the way. By now I would have a great paying job and be able to afford the treatments. Not waiting for more treatments after schooling is half way through :/

Mrs Red:

I probably would have been a lot more careful with credit debt, stayed off of birth control (I think it made it worse), and gone to an RE right away.


Ashley:
I would have tried much harder to get pregnant in the first three months after coming off birth control pills, and I would have went to a RE right away instead of wasting a whole year with my GYN doing metformin for 9 months (which didn't help me at all) and clomid for 3 (didn't work). I think if I would have known before I got married it could have changed things for the worse - I often feel guilty I'm putting my husband through this. So I'm glad we found out after we were married.

Question #26

26. What do you use the “nursery” for right now? If you already had a baby, what did you use it for before pregnancy?

Shannon:

Ugh. I don't even want to talk about that room... But I will. We have a 3 bedroom house. Master, guest, and game/computer/craft room. Back in August my MIL decided to move herself in... And has been staying in the guest room. I have it planned out how I want to decorate it and where I want to put all the furniture. Right now I don't go in there.

Mrs Red:

We bought a 3 bedroom house with a den. We bought it with plans to have a nursery and a den then convert the den to a room and make the 3rd bedroom a den. Confusing yes I know, but I don't like that the 3rd room is soooo far from the master in the front of the house. So anyways...
The future nursery has been soooooo many things since beginning to ttc... First it was storage, then it was a guest room, then a gym, then a guest room again, then a plant starting room (we have a veggie garden) then our room (we moved our bed in when we went on vacation for the houses sitter to have somewhere to sleep), and now it is a plant starting/craft/ironing room. LoL we change it up a lot. I'm just waiting for the day that it's just a nursery/kids room

Bracelet Giveaway!

Visitors don't forget to follow us (click the link on top left) and the first 25 will be entered to win a FREE PCOS bracelet!

"Surprise!..."

When you are struggling with fertility, there are a few things that you dread hearing. And the list is long.

However, I'm going to talk about pregnancy announcements from other people.

I've had a few in this journey (I don't know many people having kids yet). Some expected, some not.

We will start with September 2009.
I was at work at my data entry/callcenter job. You aren't supposed to have your phone but I also have mine tucked into a drawer where I can barely see it incase of an emergency. I get a text from my husband's ex-stepsister. It reads the following: "We're pregnant after only a month of trying!" That sent me to the bathroom to cry a bit. I congratulated her.... She eventually told me it was a mass text and she was trying to shove it in her family's faces. We saw them a couple times throughout the pregnancy and they stayed over a night or two. A week after their son was born, we went to see him. He was cute. I didn't cry. Hubs couldn't hold him. Said it was too hard on him. It took him MONTHS to hold him. As in FOUR months.

Fast forward to August 2010.
I went to dinner with a friend because I was expecting a pregnancy announcement from the SIL. During the meal I got an email from a cousin with an "It's a Girl!" announcement... SUPRISE! That hit but since I rarely saw them it wasn't drastic. I was just surprised that I knew I would get a pregnancy announcement, even though it wasn't from the one I was expecting.

September 2010-Infertile Couple's Luck!
A couple that we knew that had been struggling to get pregnant for the last 2 years was pregnant!!! Yay!!! Their announcement didn't bother me. They had struggled. I felt so happy that what they had waited for for SOOO long was finally happening!

October 2010.
It was evening time and I was on the treadmill while hubs was at work. This was before I would go with him any time I had open and help. I had 45 minutes down, 15 left... And I got a text. "We're pregnant! Finally". Yes... Finally... because trying for 1-2 months is FOREVER to wait. Hubs called to make sure I was ok. I was still calm and on the treadmill. Ended up going 15 minutes longer than my goal... Then went in the guest/future nursery and cried. Then I felt stupid crying for myself and pulled it together. When Hubs came home I tried to act normal but he sees right through that and he just held me while I cried. We both took the next day off and made a step towards going to the RE that was recommended to us. Over the next 6 months we hung out and I got to watch her belly grow and tried to be friend's and go walking with her and to the mall. I remember crying at Christmas over the dinner prayer because I saw her husband holding her with his hands on her belly and I felt like a complete and utter failure. That is a story for another time. As is the following in April 2010 when Max was born at 28 weeks (she was in hospital for 6 weeks) and passed the following morning from an infection.


November 2011-Birthday Announcement
I had been very observant since about August. I had figured that with the 6 month standard wait period that the SIL would be trying again. And our A/C had gone out in August and I saw a used pregnancy box in their garage when they let us stay the night. Early/middle of November she mentioned that they were only having sex when she was ovulating. Then they went on vacation. Thanksgiving I noticed that her husband said, quietly, "already got that brain" when she forgot something. I was the only one nearby. Her birthday dinner was that weekend and I noticed that she had a glass of wine but barely drank half in a two hour period. NOT like her at all. They decided to play "telephone" to make the announcement that she was pregnant again. Having expected it, I was happy for them. The week after New Year's 2012 she had a miscarriage.

There is a word of advice to either give friend's or to keep in mind: If you need to make a pregnancy announcement, try to keep in mind those that have struggled and break it to them nicely and privately. Even if by text. Sometimes wording can make ALL the difference. As can a heads up. That way you can get the appropriate happy reaction!

~Shannon

Question #25

25. Talk about a time when you made someone in your life understand more about infertility.

Shannon:

I'll talk to anyone that listens about it. I've gotten better and to the point where I don't cry every time. I couldn't list one specific time though. Most of the time they look like they don't want to talk about it and aren't paying attention... Oh well. The least I can do is try to spread the word!

Mrs Red:

I talk about it all the time. My co workers are probably tired of hearing it but I try to spread the word everywhere and make sure people are educated so that thy can learn to be more sensitive, I talk about it to anyone who will listen. I don't just spring it on people but I try to bring it up when it seems someone can be better educated, or when they ask why I don't have children.

Ashley:
I also talk to everyone about it. I talk to family, friends, patients and strangers. I try to educate when the subject comes up. Or if someone asks if I have kids I usually say no, we struggle with infertility...and go on and talk more about it. I don't just go around talking about it but make sure I talk about it when appropriate and don't just let the moment pass by. Its amazing how many people struggle with infertility and how many people have NO CLUE about it.

Question #24

24. How has your financial situation affected your infertility journey?

Shannon:

Fertility treatments can get expensive, especially if you are referred to an RE. When you find out the clomid treatments are $1000 (including sonos)... That is a LOT of money. Not in the long run, I know. And definitely not the most expensive. But that would be EVERY MONTH of treatment. We have a hard time saving it up. Usually when we get close, something else comes up!

Mrs Red:

My hubby and I had a bad habit before marriage of putting everything on credit so we have a mountain of credit debt, plus now a mortgage... So most of our money goes to that. When I worked for a mutual fund company my insurance didn't cover it and we weren't all for paying out of pocket. I ended up quitting my job of 7 years and stayed out of work for 5 months getting out of depression and trying to 'just relax and get pregnant' didn't work. So I started working again and we realized when we switched insurances to my hubby's his work covered infertility treatments!!! So we started them because even if we didn't have much spare money, it was ok because the insurance covered a lot of it. I have been very blessed with my new job because it affords us to pay down our debt without acquiring more and still do treatments. We have only done 3 rounds of iui but it's still a lot even with insurance. We are waiting to pay down more debt before we plunge into ivf this summer. Let's pray we can continue on that path incase our healthier lifestyle change doesn't bring us a baby :-)



Ashley:
Unfortunately I feel this whole journey is driven by finances and will power. We pay everything out of pocket and I'm not sure how but we have found some way to move forward without taking much time off between treatments. My husband owns a business with a business partner and the business does very well but they don't draw much of a wage because they want to pay everything off as soon as possible (which I understand because they are starting their 4 year) but it does get frustrating going through this journey because I feel like if we were a "normal" household with two incomes we could have done things a little quicker & less stressful financially. We've used the money that he makes to pay for our fertility treatments since we usually live off of my income for everything else. So for the most part it has worked out. We are just starting IVF in which we did have to barrow a small portion of the amount, which has been the first time we've had to do that. We do not like debt and the only debt we have is our home, business and now $5500 for IVF. That also helps keep my stress level down.

Oldest child, parents eager for grandchildren...

My parents can't WAIT to be grandparents. They had hopes that we'd be pregnant as soon as we got back from the honeymoon... Much to everyone's disappointment 5 years later, my parents still don't have any grandchildren... Well my brothers gf has a 5 year old and I swear my mom acts like its her new granddaughter. They even bought her a swing set! And if you haven't priced those lately... Whoooo doggy, it's extravagant for your son's GIRLFRIEND's child. But whatev... Then school was starting and they bought her a bunch of school clothes and supplies and around the same time, my mom was suddenly too busy for anything to do with me. I don't think she realizes it but it really hurts me. Every time I call all I get is "I'm busy, what's up?" or "I'm ::doing something:: with/for your brother/his gf, do u need something?" or "your dad just got home I'll call you later" or the greatest "your brother/dad is calling I'll call you back".
I know they want to be grandparents and I'm sorry my body doesn't work the way it should but seriously? This girl is not our family, she is not my brothers child, they are not her grandparents. My mom has a picture of her on her desk at work. And Super Bowl Sunday she made a side comment about how she misses her. I feel like I don't care anymore to her. And I don't know how to tell her how I feel. So I'll just sit here and cry about it because I don't have anything else I can do about it.


-MrsRed

Question #23

23. Does your religion (or lack of) help/hurt/affect your infertility journey? Have you found religion? Lost it? Does it affect what treatments you do?

Mrs Red:
Honesty time! I made the decision to become Christian in February 2002. I spent the first 4ish years of my Christianity trying to find my spiritually through bible study and from church hopping (my first church got real gossipy) then a little before I got married we found a church we both liked and went occasionally. Well we got married and started on our journey.... Im not going to lie, this has been a long and hard 5 years. The first year I was all optimistic and like yeah pray and it will happen right away. Then the first year passed and still no baby. I got depressed and started doubting. Year 2 took a really bad toll on me spiritually. I sought out for a lot of answers. I had started listening to k-love radio and it helped by giving me some encouragement. At the new year we started going to church regularly. We never really had and we weren't talking about it, we were just like let's go to church and the pastor at my church is amazing. He makes you not feel like a piece of crud and explains things simply. He gives you encouragement to get through the week and to reflect on things. I was never raised as "go to church everyday and worship" but this church made me want to go and learn more. I feel I'm more understanding now and that God isn't not answering my prayers, he's simply telling me to wait. I can accept that. This journey has actually renewed my strength and made me appreciate things in my life more. I still wouldn't call myself the best representation of Christianity but I have learned a lot in the last 5 years.

Shannon:

Honestly? I will get a LOT of crap for this. Especially if people I know read this... I was raised catholic (and in the summers went to a baptist church with my dad's side of the family). I've been a very strong believer... until the last year or so. Fertility issues really make you think. And it would drive me nuts that people would tell me to just pray about it. Or the ones that said I couldn't get pregnant because I didn't go to church. Stuff like this makes you think. Taking anatomy classes for school doesn't help either. And KNOWING that a hormone is what is causing all of these problems... I just felt like I had a chemical imbalance, that it is all scientific. I now consider myself Agnostic. Agnosticism is the view that the truth value of certain claims—especially claims about the existence or non-existence of any deity, but also other religious and metaphysical claims—is unknown or unknowable. I don't deny that there is a God. But I can't deny other possibilities of being purely scientific or multiple deities. I did consider Wicca because I liked it in high school when I did it for a short while. But at this point in my life I don't find I have the energy or time to learn a new religion. And I still couldn't get into it 100%. I'm sure many people will not like me because of this admittance, but this is a blog about total honesty and openness to all groups/types of people.

Ashley:

My husband and I were both born and raised Roman Catholic. Religion is important to us, I think me even more so, however I don't necessarily believe in the position the Roman Catholic Church takes on infertility/conceiving. God is a very important structure in my life and I feel if he didn't want us to use conventional methods (IUI, IVF, etc.) then he wouldn't have given mankind the intellectual ability to develop such methods. So it really hasn't affect how we proceed with our treatment journey. I don't feel I have lost faith along the way but may be at short times...but I still always believe even though I may be angry with God or questioning Him. I also feel I have more and more faith as we go because I think that's the only thing I can believe in.

AF has ARRIVED

Gotta love when the Provera ends and then you wait....

But, couple days later AF showed up. Now to let 10 months of no AF get out of my system.

BC is to start on Sunday.

~Shannon

Question #22

22.Were you the product of infertility? Was anyone you know the product of infertility? How do you know? Or do you just suspect based on circumstances like age differences between siblings, time between marriage and conception, etc.

Shannon:
I wasn't. HOWEVER, my twin sisters are. My mom had me and then my brother. She divorced and remarried. I didn't know that there was any issue at the time (I was only 8-9). She had my twin sisters in January 1997. She didn't tell me until we started our journey that she had developed PCOS after her 2nd pregnancy. She actually conceived my sisters on her 2nd month of clomid (100mg). And I didn't find out until recently that they were actually supposed to be triplets but the 3rd didn't get very far in developmental phase in uterus. There are 10 years age difference between them and me.

Mrs Red:
I wasn't, my brother was born after 3 miscarriages, followed by 9 more miscarriages. They never gave my mom a reason why she had so many. Other than that, I don't know of anyone else.