Nine Years

I have thought of writing this post in several different ways. But after nine years of treatment, it doesn't feel like there is much more to say. We have come a long way and done a lot in the past nine years.

Nine years ago I was 21 and DH was 22. We lived in a duplex and had his younger brother (16) living with us. We had a 1 year old black lab. Decent jobs (he is still at the same one!) and weren't doing too bad. We decided to try having a baby, even though I'd already been off birth control for a while. And that is how our infertiliity journey started. And, thankfully, he has stuck by my side the entire time.

In the last 9 years we have done 2 HSGs, 11 rounds of clomid with timed intercourse, 1 ovarian drilling surgical procedure with hysteroscopy, and 2 rounds of IUI with clomid AND injections.

Infertility is such an emotional and heartbreaking journey that there are several years of non-BC breaks throughout the 9 year period.

We considered adoption and after one potential fall through we decided that the emotional toll would be too great for us at this time.

Our next step? IVF.

We had our consult April 10th. Since then I have had an HSG done again (much better than my first experience!) and a sono to check on my ovaries. We have discussed IVF variation options and pricing and have a plan. We are hopeful that this is it and will finally work. All I have to do is lose 18 lbs before CD 35 (if no period) and then we can begin.

But now we are waiting. And I forgot how HORRIBLE the waiting is. You say you'll be fine, you've had to do all sorts of waiting before, but you become obsessed with information and wish the days could go by faster so you could just START. It is difficult to distract yourself because IVF is like a thought bubble in your head that won't pop. You eat, sleep, and DREAM about it. You buy books, make mock-up calendars, and an IVF organizational binder. You luck up IVF and infertility charms and special clothes for ER (egg retrieval) day and transfer day. You join IVF support groups on facebook and it ends up flooding your newsfeed so that is all you see and therefore can't stop thinking about. People ask questions, you gladly tell them because you are excited, and then realize that any positive pregnancy announcement won't be a surprise and that part kinda sucks. May 17th needs to get here soon and these remaining 14 lbs need to disappear ASAP.

I thought after all these years I've learned patience. Apparently not. I even agreed with the doctor that I wouldn't do any HPT before the blood draw after transfer... Yeah, I have a feeling I won't be as strong as I initially thought about that.

This week is NIAW. Seeing the number of friends, family, and people that are dealing with infertility is just overwhelming. It is devastating knowing that so many of us are going through issues with infertility, whether it is at the beginning of the spectrum or the end, it sucks for everyone to have to deal with it for even 1 day. But, you are not alone. You've read some of what I've been through, especially if you have followed this blog for the last.... 5 (?) years. Ask us questions. Find us on our facebook page. I wish you all luck and baby dust.

Shannon

Guest post: Cherish's Journey

DH and I meet at work while in our 30’s. We dated a year, were engaged for a year, and we waited a year to start TTC. When I was 34 we started TTC. My OBGYN said it could take a few months to a year. Well, we got lucky on the first try. That October we got our ANGEL!!! DS is now 6! Well, we decided to TTC for the 2nd kiddo when DS was about 3. I went in to my Wonderful OBGYN and said “Want a little girl born in the spring!” She laughed. I was confused and SERIOUS when I said; we got a boy born in the fall. What’s the problem? Well after a couple rounds of Clomid, she sent me to HER RE. I did some research and Dr. Chantilis is one of the BEST in Texas. His staff is SO nice! I was in love with him! Our first appointment was very promising. He did some tests, did a sono and told us that he would have us pregnant in a matter of months. He would be surprised if it would take more than 3. Wellllllllll. We did Clomid and trigger shots and NOTHING happened. He did more blood work. He had already diagnosed me with PCOS. The tests came back NOT good. He said we might not be able to get pregnant and might consider using an egg donor. I told him he was crazy. We tried some other medicines and then he ran more tests. I don’t remember the details or the Medical jargon but the tests were I had Pre-Ovarian Failure. My results were extremely high. One was Off the chart. Seriously were NOT even Registering! I was BROKEN!! The problem was ALL ME! I curled up for 2 days and cried. DH was so supportive. My sister was visiting and she and DH took care of me and DS. A few weeks later we decided to go the egg donor route. So we decided on one!! She was awesome!! THEN someone we knew had a pregnant friend come to her considering putting her babies (that’s right, twins. Boy and Girl TWINS!) up for adoption. We put the egg donor on hold. Plus it was around Thanksgiving and the holidays were hard enough as it was. Well, she kept the babies and then our egg donor got pregnant. We were back to square one. We found another egg donor and proceeded! March was the Time! The egg donor did GREAT. We ended up with THREE embryos. We transferred 2 and got pregnant. I was Pregnant on my 40th Birthday! I was SO HAPPY!!!! THEN on week 6, I had a miscarriage. We lost the baby. I was heartbroken. We still had one viable embryo. We had nothing to lose. That didn’t take. We had to take out a HUGE loan (that we are still paying on) and no baby. If I EVER have to pee on another stick I will probably go Postal! The heartbreak EACH time of seeing the negative result, the years of trying and not getting pregnant and the loss of the baby I only had for a few weeks is was the hardest thing I have ever lived thru. THEN we fell in love with a little baby boy............................. A WHOLE new roller coaster ride in a different park! ADOPTION!!

Insecure and depressed.

At this point I feel so insecure about my body. When I stopped taking BCP I was 135 lbs. I probably gained 10lbs in the year that I was off of them before DH and I actually started TTC. in the 3.5 years that we have been TTC I have went from 145 to 206. :'( It has become a big issue for me. I've tried to get myself motivated to work out... To eat right. Its almost that I'm so depressed about having PCOS and not being able to have a baby that I can't motivate myself to get up and work out. I just want to lay in bed, eat ice cream or chips and watch old TV shows that remind me of when I was little. I have gained enough weight to have HAD a baby... but their is no baby to go along with the weight. Its depressing!

Shannon's post last night made me think about a couple of nights ago when I was telling DH that I just can't picture our lives as parents. I can't see my self as a mom. I can't see myself having baby toys around the house instead of dog toys. I just have a sinking feeling that maybe I'm not ever supposed to be pregnant. Maybe I'm not supposed to ever get to experience birth and feel a baby move inside me (yes I am one of those weird people that really REALLY wants to be in Labor, without drugs!). DH and I had a talk several months ago about adoption. We've decided that if we don't have kids and aren't expecting that when I turn 28 we will start the process of adoption.

How do you guys maintain your weight? I know that having PCOS can cause you to gain weight and can make you have a hard time with loosing the weight? Any tips on how to get motivated and get out of bed? I am determined to make 2013 better than 2012!

Some New Changes!!!

Changes to the blog, not me personally :o)

Fighting for Fertility officially has a twitter! You can find us by the email: f4ftweets@fighting4fertility.org.in or by the name @Fight4Fertility

Also, we each have individual emails that you can contact us by if you have questions::
Shannon - PCOS, inexpensive options, vitamins:
shannonw@fighting4fertility.org.in

Steph aka Mrs. Red - IVF success, clomid:
stephaniet@fighting4fertility.org.in

Ashley - IVF success, mom of twins:
ashleyh@fighting4fertility.org.in

Molly - PCOS:
mollyk@fighting4fertility.org.in

Sheila - vitamins, undiagnosed:
sheilah@fighting4fertility.org.in

Jessica - PCOS, vitamins:
jessicad@fighting4fertility.org.in

Leah - PCOS, fibromyalgia, fostering, adoption:
leahb@fighting4fertility.org.in

Don't forget! You can also find us on Facebook!

Shocking possibility of an opportunity?

Sooo....this was totally unexpected but...let me get on with it.  Shawn's (my dh) cousin had a baby last October 30th when she was 14 just shy of 15. Which makes her 15 now, just shy of 16 and her son just turned a year old. I guess she told Shawns uncle that she was going to give him up for adoption (but its not a for sure thing yet) but anyways so my inlaws were over last night telling us about this. Then I made a comment like "Im sorry to sound so mean and bitter, but why can children like that have children and I cant?" and then my mother in law said something that blew my mind. She said "well yeah I was thinking about that, and I thought if she did give him up that it would be nice if he could go to somebody and still be in the family" Obviously implying Shawn and I. Im not sure how I feel about this at all. The idea in alot of ways sounds nice. I want children more than anything, and I do want to be able to have one that is biologically Shawn and mine, but maybe the timing isnt for right now (I know Im going to have one, thats another big long thing I need to blog about that I cant believe I have not done yet). But I just have so many thoughts...I know adoption is expensive and you need to meet a lot of requirements, am I even going to meet those standards? Its going to be a huge adjustment for him, we havent really seen him that much. Am I going to be able to immediatly go from one night not having children to the next day having a toddler I know nothing about? What if I get pregnant right after this? Will I be able to handle two children so close in age? Do I really want to do this? What if she doesnt go through with it and I get my hopes up?....Now that I think about it I had a dream like two weeks ago that one of my friends who is pregnant begged me to adopt her baby. Granted its not the same person, or situation...but is this why I had the dream.....My thoughts are so clustered and I have no idea what to think or do...