Infertility, Successful treatment, secondary infertility, miscarriage, and a rainbow

Tomorrow will be 15 years that my husband and I have been together. 15 years! That's a really long time nowadays. We've been married 10 and started TTC right away. 5 years ago I was mid stim cycle for my First IVF and to my luck it worked on the first try. 

I wanted to round out NIAW with a message of hope. I know for many people their first IVF doesn't work. And neither does their 2nd, or 3rd, or 6th. But sometimes it does. And I think it's that hope that keeps all of us going. When I went for my IVF cycle, my husband and I were holding on to the last bit of hope we had. We had so many failed cycles that we poured all our money into this cycle. And it worked! 

The pregnancy was smooth, the delivery was smooth, everything was perfect. So we decided to try again. And of course infertility stuck around. I wasn't "fixed" like so many other people said I would be. "Well now you had one so your body knows what to do". Wrong! We had our first FET 2 years ago on national Infertility Awareness Week. And it worked! Or so we thought. I miscarried my twins at 9 weeks and was devastated.  We were in a better mental state than before having our daughter but it still hurt. I thought it would be easy. I thought my body knew what it was doing. It didn't. But. We pushed on and did another FET and we have another beautiful daughter who will be turning 1 soon. Her pregnancy was definitely not smooth and her delivery was just plain scary. But she's still perfect and our second rainbow. 

We would like more children. We always wanted a big family. I still don't think my body is "fixed" but we still have 6 frozen embryos that we would like to give a shot to. Not sure when but I'm hopeful that we will have at least 1 more little stinker. Hope got us here. And hope will get us through, no matter what happens. Even if it ends up just being our two princesses. 

I've stayed quiet on the page because I feel like even though both my girls were from artificial reproductive technologies, that I don't have a right to write on an infertility blog anymore. But I do. Having them doesn't mean I never suffered. Conquering infertility doesn't mean it doesn't still effect me. It does. And like I said, my body isn't fixed just because it carried them. I still can't do it on my own. 

But know that I know how hard it is. Know that I remember the nights crying out "why not me". The pain of watching people around you grow your families. I see you longing for a baby in your arms that you can call yours. I have hope for you. The pain we go through is so worth it. Keep fighting. Keep trying. Keep hoping. 

Love and baby dust to all!

Mrs Red

Nine Years

I have thought of writing this post in several different ways. But after nine years of treatment, it doesn't feel like there is much more to say. We have come a long way and done a lot in the past nine years.

Nine years ago I was 21 and DH was 22. We lived in a duplex and had his younger brother (16) living with us. We had a 1 year old black lab. Decent jobs (he is still at the same one!) and weren't doing too bad. We decided to try having a baby, even though I'd already been off birth control for a while. And that is how our infertiliity journey started. And, thankfully, he has stuck by my side the entire time.

In the last 9 years we have done 2 HSGs, 11 rounds of clomid with timed intercourse, 1 ovarian drilling surgical procedure with hysteroscopy, and 2 rounds of IUI with clomid AND injections.

Infertility is such an emotional and heartbreaking journey that there are several years of non-BC breaks throughout the 9 year period.

We considered adoption and after one potential fall through we decided that the emotional toll would be too great for us at this time.

Our next step? IVF.

We had our consult April 10th. Since then I have had an HSG done again (much better than my first experience!) and a sono to check on my ovaries. We have discussed IVF variation options and pricing and have a plan. We are hopeful that this is it and will finally work. All I have to do is lose 18 lbs before CD 35 (if no period) and then we can begin.

But now we are waiting. And I forgot how HORRIBLE the waiting is. You say you'll be fine, you've had to do all sorts of waiting before, but you become obsessed with information and wish the days could go by faster so you could just START. It is difficult to distract yourself because IVF is like a thought bubble in your head that won't pop. You eat, sleep, and DREAM about it. You buy books, make mock-up calendars, and an IVF organizational binder. You luck up IVF and infertility charms and special clothes for ER (egg retrieval) day and transfer day. You join IVF support groups on facebook and it ends up flooding your newsfeed so that is all you see and therefore can't stop thinking about. People ask questions, you gladly tell them because you are excited, and then realize that any positive pregnancy announcement won't be a surprise and that part kinda sucks. May 17th needs to get here soon and these remaining 14 lbs need to disappear ASAP.

I thought after all these years I've learned patience. Apparently not. I even agreed with the doctor that I wouldn't do any HPT before the blood draw after transfer... Yeah, I have a feeling I won't be as strong as I initially thought about that.

This week is NIAW. Seeing the number of friends, family, and people that are dealing with infertility is just overwhelming. It is devastating knowing that so many of us are going through issues with infertility, whether it is at the beginning of the spectrum or the end, it sucks for everyone to have to deal with it for even 1 day. But, you are not alone. You've read some of what I've been through, especially if you have followed this blog for the last.... 5 (?) years. Ask us questions. Find us on our facebook page. I wish you all luck and baby dust.

Shannon

NIAW 2017

                                          It has been said that many times the favorite things we imagine to play as a child is our destiny, calling, etc. For example, some children always wanted to play school teacher and lo and behold, they become a teacher. When I recall my childhood, I always wanted to play house. I always wanted to be the mommy with a baby doll cradled in my arms. My biggest dream- to be a mother. So as the years passed, I grew older and found a church where I there met my husband and got married. Life was supposed to be perfect, we were supposed to be married a year or so and then grow our family with a precious baby right? Wrong.

                                 Some time had passed through our marriage, and we came to a point where we began trying for a baby. We knew it would take some time, so at first we weren't too disheartened when it didn't happen. "It may take a few months", we told ourselves. Months turned into more months. Those months turned into one year. One year turned into two, and then more and more years. Infertility..... A word that wasn't supposed to be in our happily ever after.

                          This journey is certainly a difficult one. Everyone you know seems to get pregnant. Then they have one child, two children and more. You are still waiting. Thinking when will it ever be my turn? You wake up in the middle of the night restless, you pass your spare bedroom that should be a nursery. You silently cry thinking you should be in there with a baby in your arms. You go to so many baby showers you lose count, thinking to yourself will I ever get this chance? After peeing on what feels like your 10 millionth ovulation or pregnancy test, you squint and pray for a positive result. Blood tests after blood tests, pelvic exam after pelvic exam, multiple intrauterine procedures and ultrasounds, but no baby. You and your husband silently cry together at home discussing the hurt, but you don't dare mention those moments openly. Just some of the hardships, this circumstance can bring.

                         Through the grace and strength of the Lord, I have came to the most peace I have been through the waiting journey. That isn't to say, that there aren't hard days, but I can certainly say I'm in a better state of mind than I have been before. However, that came with some great hardships. I was at my lowest low. Somebody I had shared my heart with, my deepest hurts, my emotions, my soul and much more, hurt me so deep at a point where I had a little bit of hope, I didn't even know how to handle the situation. However, I honestly can say that really I owe this person a thank you. Because of this, I came to a point where I did not know how to handle anything anymore. I was literally at a breaking point due to the deep hurt. I literally cried my eyes out, my whole heart and soul to God, I truly laid down so much to Him, this is the turning point where I truly allowed God to help carry me through this journey. I felt it necessary to mention this part of the story because it was a part of tremendous growth for me. However, I have since forgiven this hurt, and love and care for this person very much :)

    

                           Now I think as a christian woman, one of the hardest things I struggle with is guilt. Although I do have peace in this trial, that's not say I am not human. I have hard days. I do have difficult days from time to time. I do have occasional cries. I struggle with feeling guilty. "Sheila, you are a christian, you are in leadership, you are supposed to be joyful". That thought invades my mind on those difficult days. I am trying to teach myself, it is okay. We have struggles. We have imperfections. Christ is there to hold us up. I look to him to carry me through challenging days. I have faith and holdfast to what I know and believe God has promised to me. I will keep striving ahead in my journey to be a mother. I will press on.

                        With that being said, this week is National Infertility Awareness Week. 1 in 8 couples struggle with infertility. I am 1 in 8. This week we write to raise awareness. If you too struggle with infertility, do not be afraid to speak out. If you ever need someone to talk with, or have any questions, please feel free to reach out to any of us. If you are a friend or family member of someone in this situation, try and understand and be the support they need. Please feel free to contact us if you need some guidance the appropriate things to say or do. Much love and peace to you all.

Xoxo,

Sheila ❤