I took another HPT a few days later just to see if the line was getting darker and it was! My first beta came back as 1397 and the second one was 3411! With my first beta they said my estrogen was a little low but they would check again on the second and it was much better. We were so excited. We set my first ultrasound for May 21st. Then a week after the betas I had some bleeding. It wasn't much at first but we still called the doctor who asked me to come in right away. My first miracle and I had just woken up because we were both sick with a stomach virus from something we ate. There was no time to take her to anyone to be watched so I loaded her in the car pjs and all. DH called me and said he was on the way and would meet us at the clinic.
We got to the clinic and I changed DD into real clothes and we waited to be called back. First they took my weight and blood pressure which was understandably high. And then we went back to the exam room. We saw DH running down the hallway as we walked to the point exam room. we gave DD the iPad to watch a movie while they did the ultrasound. We saw 2 perfect little sacs and yolks. In one sac there was a clearly defined "pole" the other was a little harder to see but definitely there. Everything was measuring right on track at 5 weeks 5 days. They said to come back in 10 days to see how things progress but they couldn't find any source of bleeding.
We were relieved and shocked. We went to get some lunch before going home. At the restaurant I had to go to the restroom again and when I went I saw I had bled through my underwear and shorts and when I wiped I saw a snot like looking clot. I called the doctors office again and they said it could be nothing just go home and rest and let them know if it got worse.
And it did...
After we got home I started cramping a lot and when I went to the bathroom a clot a little bigger than a golf ball came out. And then it happened 2 more times. Finally the cramping stopped and I was able to get some rest. When I woke up the bleeding slowed down but I had already soaked an overnight pad. I emailed the doctors office to see if they wanted me to go in again but to let them know I was ok with waiting. They said just come on the 21st and we'll see then.
So we go on the 21st and to our dismay, they could only find 1 sac, on top of that it was only measuring 6 weeks and I should have been measuring 7 weeks at this time but it had a heartbeat. So they called the doctor and he said let's check again in a week. If it starts catching up great and if it is the same size or only slightly larger it might be lost. I was crushed. They added me on a prescription folic acid to see if it would help. I also showed the doctor my legs and back because I had developed an allergy to the patches. When I first started taking the patches my skin would rash around the time to change the patches. But by this week i was getting a burning rash after less than 24 hours in the patch making waiting 72 hours pure torture. I'm ok with working through the pains and discomforts but my skin was raw and I was running out of places to put them so they switched me to a pill form because the doctor said that I shouldn't be having a reaction like I was.
So we wait over a week because the next appointment wasn't available until June 1! The waiting is the worst.
June 1, we get to the appointment early but have to wait because they had 3 procedures scheduled at the same time. And procedures are time sensitive. So we wait. And wait. And finally the sono lady comes in.
She checks and it's so hard to even see the sac and the even harder to see the baby... She called the doctor in to check and he saw the same thing. This time he was able to find both sacs. Both still at 6 weeks. Not grown a bit.
They apologize and express sympathy for our loss. And I feel like I can't breathe. They give us a min so I can change. And then the doctor comes back to give us options. He said the only options he recommended for us is either do the natural wait or a d&c. We didn't have to decide right then and there. DH asked what kind of wait time there would be to try again (since we had already discussed this aspect) and they said it would be about 8 weeks before we could do another transfer. He also said they could get us in touch with support groups or anything we needed. At this point I lost it and just started ugly crying. He gave us a tissue and walked out of the room to give us time. A little later a nurse came in and told us we didn't have to decide right now but to keep in mind that the natural route I would feel heavy cramping and everything would be at home and d&c is under anesthesia. Which reminded me of my first miscarriage, alone, at home. It was so painful and like a scene from Carrie. I can't feel it. I don't want to feel it. I'm so broken I can't I can't I can't.
DH is scheduling everything for me with the clinic. I can't deal with anything right now.
My mom picked up DD from daycare for us so that we could process alone and not leave her all day there. We went home and watched a marvel movie his boss let us borrow. Then I asked him to pull my box of dolls out of the shed so I could give DD my new in box Barbies and we spent some time unboxing Barbies and setting them up to see her face when she got home. She truly is our miracle and I'm so grateful it worked the first time with her. This loss is so hard and the only thing that makes it better is that we have her. We have a trip we are going on for Labor Day and the doctors time frame puts another transfer around then so we are just going to wait until after that trip. I'm going to try to use this time to get more in shape and maybe find a job with maternity leave? Idk how to really process things but I know everything will work out for us. I know I will have my rainbow after this storm. Right now I just need to push through the storm.
I'm not ok. But I'm ok.
-mrs red
