A loss for words has never been so wordy...

So a week after my transfer I took a HPT and to my very big surprise it was a BFP! We were super excited. The next day I went for my hormone check and they said they wouldn't do a beta because it was too early. They called me later and told me my progesterone was really low and to up my PIO injections to 1.5 ml. So everyday I took PIO 1.5 ml, and a suppository at night and then every 3 days I was on 4 patches of vivelle which is an estrogen patch.

I took another HPT a few days later just to see if the line was getting darker and it was! My first beta came back as 1397 and the second one was 3411! With my first beta they said my estrogen was a little low but they would check again on the second and it was much better. We were so excited. We set my first ultrasound for May 21st. Then a week after the betas I had some bleeding. It wasn't much at first but we still called the doctor who asked me to come in right away. My first miracle and I had just woken up because we were both sick with a stomach virus from something we ate. There was no time to take her to anyone to be watched so I loaded her in the car pjs and all. DH called me and said he was on the way and would meet us at the clinic. 

We got to the clinic and I changed DD into real clothes and we waited to be called back. First they took my weight and blood pressure which was understandably high. And then we went back to the exam room. We saw DH running down the hallway as we walked to the point exam room. we gave DD the iPad to watch a movie while they did the ultrasound. We saw 2 perfect little sacs and yolks. In one sac there was a clearly defined "pole" the other was a little harder to see but definitely there. Everything was measuring right on track at 5 weeks 5 days. They said to come back in 10 days to see how things progress but they couldn't find any source of bleeding.  

We were relieved and shocked. We went to get some lunch before going home. At the restaurant I had to go to the restroom again and when I went I saw I had bled through my underwear and shorts and when I wiped I saw a snot like looking clot. I called the doctors office again and they said it could be nothing just go home and rest and let them know if it got worse. 

And it did...

After we got home I started cramping a lot and when I went to the bathroom a clot a little bigger than a golf ball came out. And then it happened 2 more times. Finally the cramping stopped and I was able to get some rest. When I woke up the bleeding slowed down but I had already soaked an overnight pad. I emailed the doctors office to see if they wanted me to go in again but to let them know I was ok with waiting. They said just come on the 21st and we'll see then. 

So we go on the 21st and to our dismay, they could only find 1 sac, on top of that it was only measuring 6 weeks and I should have been measuring 7 weeks at this time but it had a heartbeat. So they called the doctor and he said let's check again in a week. If it starts catching up great and if it is the same size or only slightly larger it might be lost. I was crushed. They added me on a prescription folic acid to see if it would help. I also showed the doctor my legs and back because I had developed an allergy to the patches. When I first started taking the patches my skin would rash around the time to change the patches. But by this week i was getting a burning rash after less than 24 hours in the patch making waiting 72 hours pure torture. I'm ok with working through the pains and discomforts but my skin was raw and I was running out of places to put them so they switched me to a pill form because the doctor said that I shouldn't be having a reaction like I was. 

So we wait over a week because the next appointment wasn't available until June 1! The waiting is the worst. 

June 1, we get to the appointment early but have to wait because they had 3 procedures scheduled at the same time. And procedures are time sensitive. So we wait. And wait. And finally the sono lady comes in. 

She checks and it's so hard to even see the sac and the even harder to see the baby... She called the doctor in to check and he saw the same thing. This time he was able to find both sacs. Both still at 6 weeks. Not grown a bit. 

They apologize and express sympathy for our loss. And I feel like I can't breathe. They give us a min so I can change. And then the doctor comes back to give us options. He said the only options he recommended for us is either do the natural wait or a d&c. We didn't have to decide right then and there. DH asked what kind of wait time there would be to try again (since we had already discussed this aspect) and they said it would be about 8 weeks before we could do another transfer. He also said they could get us in touch with support groups or anything we needed. At this point I lost it and just started ugly crying. He gave us a tissue and walked out of the room to give us time. A little later a nurse came in and told us we didn't have to decide right now but to keep in mind that the natural route I would feel heavy cramping and everything would be at home and d&c is under anesthesia. Which reminded me of my first miscarriage, alone, at home. It was so painful and like a scene from Carrie. I can't feel it. I don't want to feel it. I'm so broken I can't I can't I can't. 

DH is scheduling everything for me with the clinic. I can't deal with anything right now. 

My mom picked up DD from daycare for us so that we could process alone and not leave her all day there. We went home and watched a marvel movie his boss let us borrow. Then I asked him to pull my box of dolls out of the shed so I could give DD my new in box Barbies and we spent some time unboxing Barbies and setting them up to see her face when she got home. She truly is our miracle and I'm so grateful it worked the first time with her. This loss is so hard and the only thing that makes it better is that we have her. We have a trip we are going on for Labor Day and the doctors time frame puts another transfer around then so we are just going to wait until after that trip. I'm going to try to use this time to get more in shape and maybe find a job with maternity leave? Idk how to really process things but I know everything will work out for us. I know I will have my rainbow after this storm. Right now I just need to push through the storm. 

I'm not ok. But I'm ok. 

-mrs red

Ashley's Update

Hey everyone, I'm so sorry I've been so out of touch.  Life has been very busy with the boys and going back to work.  However, even though I haven't been posting doesn't mean I'm not reading or thinking about you all.  As dates went by in February, March and now April, it brings me back to the huge milestones in the past 3 years, especially last year going through IVF.  I think another reason I've backed off (besides not having much time) is I remember like it was yesterday how I felt about hearing about others who had babies and I didn't.  So I know there is nothing I can say or do to make each of your situations better.  All I can try to do is give you hope and advice if you want it.  I don't want to rub it in anyone's face that I got pregnant and have two babies.  I just want to support everyone and help as I'm needed.  I know I'll always have bitter feelings towards those who take getting pregnant for granted, however it's a hard place to be in because I'm not in the same position as I was before I got pregnant.  For the first time in over 3 years I feel happy, complete and back to my old self.  I told my husband a few weeks ago - I never, ever want to feel that way again.  Meaning those two LONG years of active treatments every months with multiple doctors visits monthly, were by far the worst years of my life.  But it was truly worth every single tear and angry moment I went through.  I am here for you all, praying every moment.

I am also sad to say my very best friend who's wedding I didn't get to stand up in, in August because I was put on bed rest two days before, was diagnosed with PCOS in January.  She is still in the early stages of all the works, but it just brings back all of my bad memories that I hope she doesn't have to go through.

Bless you all and baby dust 2013 is the year :) 

Some New Changes!!!

Changes to the blog, not me personally :o)

Fighting for Fertility officially has a twitter! You can find us by the email: f4ftweets@fighting4fertility.org.in or by the name @Fight4Fertility

Also, we each have individual emails that you can contact us by if you have questions::
Shannon - PCOS, inexpensive options, vitamins:
shannonw@fighting4fertility.org.in

Steph aka Mrs. Red - IVF success, clomid:
stephaniet@fighting4fertility.org.in

Ashley - IVF success, mom of twins:
ashleyh@fighting4fertility.org.in

Molly - PCOS:
mollyk@fighting4fertility.org.in

Sheila - vitamins, undiagnosed:
sheilah@fighting4fertility.org.in

Jessica - PCOS, vitamins:
jessicad@fighting4fertility.org.in

Leah - PCOS, fibromyalgia, fostering, adoption:
leahb@fighting4fertility.org.in

Don't forget! You can also find us on Facebook!

Ashley's Twin Boys' Arrival!

Well, on November 11, 2012 (35w4d) we had our two beautiful and perfect little boys.  I woke up early with leaking and we went in at 8:30am.  They tested the fluid to make sure it was amniotic fluid  and it was.  I was 3 cm dilated and 100% effaced. I wasn't having active contractions, just contractions like I had been having for the past 13 weeks.  By 2:45pm I was 5cm and they broke baby A's water completely.  I kept walking around and a half hour after they broke baby A's water I started to have very active contractions.  I got in shower to get some releaf.  At 4:15pm they checked me again I was still 5cm and I asked for some thing to just take the edge of my contractions off.  So they gave me a shot of newbain.  I got into bed and asked for two heating pads and then tried to just rest.  After 1/2 hour I was 8cm and had the urge to push then 3 more contractions and I was complete!  The doctor couldn't believe it, and she thought I would be pushing for a while too since this was my first delivery.  Well they called the surgery team in because I was delivering twins vaginally they have to be there incase baby B would turn breech and need to have a c-section.  For 20 min. they told me not to push- which was harder then having the boys!  So finally I said I couldn't NOT push anymore.  The doctor checked and said Oh, well there's a head yes next contraction push.  So I pushed for 10-15 min. and baby A was out at 5:53pm!  They put him on me and I was in shock I couldn't believe he was here and I was holding him.  I started to cry and kiss him.  While I was holding baby A they used the ultrasound to check and see that baby B was still in position.  Two pushes and he was out at 6:01pm!  We got to hold both of them right a way. 

Baby A - 4lbs 11oz 17" long, we named him Ross Steven
Baby B - 3lbs 15oz 16.5" long, we named him Liam Ray

We are all doing great.  They boys actually spent the night with us the first night and then were taken up to the NICU so they could make sure they were regulating their body temp. and grow. 
Ross was released at 4 days old, but Liam had to be over 4lbs before he was released so he was released at 7 days old.  We stayed in the NICU the whole time until Liam was released because we couldn't leave one behind.  My husbands birthday was Nov. 18 the day we got to come home.  The best birhtday present he could ask for. 


Everyone is doing great and we are loving every moment with them!
I think of you all every day and I look at them knowing that all the months of NOTHING happening, all the months of failure, and all the thousands of dollars spent was COMPLETELY worth it and I would go through it all again to have them. You can do it! Don't lose HOPE and FAITH.

Another Update (Ashley)

Well, another update.....So last week Sunday (10.14.12) our friend who's a professional photographer (who also did our wedding pictures) came to the hospital and took some maternity pictures for us!  We worked so hard and paid so much money I wanted to the pictures to remember this very precious time in our lives because I may never be pregnant again.  And there was a very high chance of me going into labor on Monday or Tuesday because they were turning the Magnesium Sulfate off so we wanted to get some pictures taken before then!  The nurses were awesome and excited about the photo shoot too.  They got approval from the doctor to take out my IV for an hour or two so we could have pictures taken!  So the picture above is in one of the hospital atriums!  Obviously there is only so much you can do in a hospital, so we were hoping to have more pictures taken in studio if I didn't go into labor and got released and sent home.  So Monday night at mid-night they took my Magnesium Sulfate dose from 2.5grams down to 1.5grams.  Two hours after turning the doseage down I started contracting pretty big contractions every 3-4 minutes, however I could still sleep so they weren't 'active' labor contractions.  At the rate things were going I thought for sure Tuesday would be the day!  So at 7am they shut the Magnesium Sulfate off completely.  At 32 weeks they won't do anything to stop labor in a twin pregnancy, that's why they shut the Magnesium Sulfate off because the risk no longer out weighs the benefit of having it on.  So as Tuesday went on the contractions became less frequent and less intense, Wednesday (10.17.12) things were even more mild.  So my doctor checked me at 3:15pm and I was still 1.5-2cm dilated, so he said I could go home!!!!!!!  YAY!!!!!!!!!  So I called my husband and he came to pack up and take me home :)  Oh, it felt soooooooooo good to be home, and smell the crisp, fresh, fall air!  We stopped at our house (which is under construction for a remodel and has been since I was place on bed rest) to check on the progress and things are wrapping up!  Its almost done, the trim is getting put on today and they may be working on it tomorrow yet but then we just have dishes to wash, laundry to do and finish up dusting and cleaning!!!  We should be able to move back in in a few days if the boys stay put!  It would be so nice just to have a few days with my DH at home again and feel more settled before the boys come!  Since I've been home (at my parents) my contractions have stayed pretty mild for the most part.  I have a doctor's appointment today so I'm not sure what to expect yet but we'll see!  I want to get the boys' room alittle more together before they come because once I do go into labor I will probably be healing from a c-section and want to be at the NICU as much as possible (if they come in the next 3 weeks they'll be in the NICU for some period of time) and not home putting things together.  I still haven't had my baby shower yet, and I didn't buy very much stuff because I didn't want to jinx things...but as soon as the boys are born we are going to try to do the babies' shower.  I'd like to do it when they are still in the NICU because I don't want to expose them to everyone especially this time of year (cold and flu season).  The doctor's really encourage you hold off on the number of visitors until a few weeks after their due date because premies have weaker immune systems, so we'll have to see how things work out.  The only one who knows what's going to happen when is God!

I hope all of you have the chance to experience pregnancy, I've tried to look at the past 11 weeks as a blessing from God, that he placed me on bed rest for so long so I could completely enjoy every moment and movement of my pregnancy, because we worked so hard and waited for so long.  I have also learned - if you truly put your mind to do something YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH IT!!  Good luck ladies, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you,

Ashley's 26 Week Update

Well, on August 30, I had a scheduled doctor's appointment to check my cervix and to check the boys' growth with my perinatologist (Dr. Jaz), however the day didn't start out as we planned, I was having a bunch of contractions that morning and when I called the on-call nurse she said we needed to come in right away. We checked into labor and delivery and they put me in a triage room to monitor my contractions and the boys' heartbeats. The contractions I felt had slowed down from when I initially called and talked to the nurse. My doctor came in and got the scoop, they started a saline IV and he checked my cervix to see if I was dilating at all. He said my cervix was still closed - YAY good news. He said he wanted to monitor me for a few hours to make sure the contractions were getting less frequent otherwise they'd have to give me magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions. He said he was happy because if this was going to turn into active labor its in the very early stage and easier to stop. He said if things keep improving then I could go by Dr. Jaz for the ultrasound that was scheduled. So 11:00am rolled around and the RN came in she said things were looking better and I told her I felt like the contractions were getting less frequent. She said she was waiting for my urine lab to come back yet, but she was going to send me to Dr. Jaz. We got into Dr. Jaz's exam room and told him what was going on. He measured my cervix by ultrasound it was just slightly less than two weeks ago measuring 1.5-1.6cm today -last time it was 1.65cm) - YAY more good news. He said he also wanted to check my cervix on a physical examination, he agreed with Dr. Kerns that I was not dilated. Then we went on to look at how the boys are growing- they are doing well. Baby A weighs 1 lb 8oz and Baby B weighs 1 lb 11oz. They are both doing very well and Baby A is not engaged in my pelvis. -MORE GOOD NEWS! So we got back to the triage room and the RN said she called Dr. Kerns and he's letting me go home to continue bed rest as I have been.  She told me to keep doing what I have been doing. She said they were going to culture my urine because there was a few epithelial cells in it, which can be normal but Dr. Kerns wanted to treat me for a UTI just to be proactive. UTI's can cause contractions in pregnancy too so he just wants to be extra safe. She also said we could expect to come in to be monitored a few more times before the babies arrive, due to contractions like this, especially with my cervical history. So please keeps us in your prayers! DH and I both felt much better than we had earlier that morning, knowing I am not dilated, my cervical length is stable. We can do this! They will stay in there or so I have to trust in God that they will!   I was happy to make it to another week.  Yesterday I had another appointment to  see how things are going.  My OB answered some questions that I had, checked the heart beats and then we were on our way.   I did have quite a few contractions right before my appointment, he said he wasn't real concerned unless they became more intense and increased with frequency.  Last night I didn't sleep well and didn't feel the best either,  but this morning I'm doing a little better, still contracting but not quite as frequent as yesterday.  So hoping they are just braxton hicks and nothing more.

Introducing Molly!!!

Hey there! Well I'm a young one too, I'll be 23 in November. My husband is almost 25 and we have been married since May 2011 and trying since June 2011 so going on a year and a few months. We were one of the couples that decided to wait to have sex until marriage. He wasn't a virgin but I was and I don't regret it at all. I was a little naive thinking that we did everything right and that everything would fall into place the way that I had always dreamed. Boy was I wrong! Ha. I've always wanted to be a mother. I wasn't concerned about a career or partying or anything. I was born to be a mother, I just know it! :) I do have a college degree in Photography, because it's my second passion in life. That keeps me super busy on the weekends and I work with elderly in their homes during the weekdays. My husband and I are so in love and want nothing more than to have a child. I was diagnosed with PCOS in January this year. I'm currently on 1000 mg of metformin and had my first unsuccessful month of Clomid last month. My mom was on Clomid twice when she was younger and as a result, I have a twin sister and I also have an older brother and sister that are twins too. Yep, two sets of twins. My mother is an amazing woman and a huge part of why I want to be a mother so bad. I'm so excited to have somewhere to go where I can talk to people who understand me and where I can offer any help and support that may be needed. Such a tough road to have to follow, but I know it will all pay off for us in the end. Thanks for letting me be a part of such an inspirational team and I look forward to getting to know all of you! xoxo

Another Update 22w1d

Well, I had an appointment yesterday 8/9/12, 22w1d, and on the upside the boys are doing well.  However my cervix is shortening and I have been put on bed rest.  I have a 50/50 percent chance of delivering right now.  My cervix is 1.9cm which isn't horrible but it isn't good, if it goes down to 1.5cm I will probably have to be put in the hospital on bed rest.  I go back on Tuesday for a re-check.  We are scared.  Everything besides the OHSS has been going very well.  My doctor's want to keep the boys in there to at least 28 weeks (hopefully) (6 weeks from now- Sept. 19) at 28 weeks they have a 95% chance of survival and developmental issues decrease greatly.  If  they come earlier my doctor said most kids usually do fine, however its not a guarentee, and statistics aren't good.  My best friend gets married tomorrow, unfortunately I will not be able to stand up or attend.  She understands completely but it doesn't make it any easier. 

Please say some extra prayers for us.

Ashley Update

I'm sorry I haven't had much of a chance to post/comment.  Things have been crazy at my house and work.
I can't believe its already August 1!  Anyhow between all that, I don't want to "gloat" too much about being pregnant because I know when we were struggling I didn't usually want to read about some one else being pregnant, while I was still trying everything to be! 

So just a little update, the boys are doing very well.  I am 21w0d today and have been feeling them since about 17w3d, my husband has also been able to feel them a couple times for the past couple weeks.  It is the most amazing feeling.  At my appointment last week I was measuring 29 weeks, which is normal for twins, but its funny because everyone who I see tells me I'm tiny for being more than half way for twins!!  I have a long torso so that helps and I don't feel so tiny but I'm enjoying every moment....cuz who knows if this will ever happen again.  We pretty much have the big items for the nursery and my baby shower is in late September.  We are starting a remodel project on our house next week, in hopes that it will be done by the end of September or mid-October at the latest.  So LOTS going on. 
I think of you all often even though I'm not on here posting, blessings!

Ashley's Update

Well, things are going well with our pregnancy!  We are 14 weeks now and we had our first perinatology appointment yesterday, and the perinatologist said we are having twin BOYS!  I never tell patients before 16 weeks just to make sure the genitals are completely done forming but he was confident both penis's were too large to be clitoris....so we'll make sure in a couple more weeks ...but we are THRILLED!!!!

Other than that, I've started a belly since 10 weeks but now its much more prominant, I feel I'm doing and looking really well for twins.  We are excited to share our boy news with our families this weekend and we are going to do some scouting for cribs, carseats, highchairs, etc. tomorrow!!

I think of you all, all the time, I'm sorry I haven't been on here as much as I'd like, summer is just always so hectic and I don't always get on the computer very much.

Ashley's Update

Ashley's Update
Well ladies, sorry its been so long.  So much has been going on.  I was in the hospital for a few days again last week due to severe right lower quadrant pain. My right ovary is still 9+ cm.  I was feeling great last Wednesday and had my last ultrasound at my RE's office at 7am at 3:15pm I started having severe RLQ pain like I did a month ago.  I took some Tylenol and tried to get comfortable then I called my OB office at 4:15pm because nothing was getting better and my OB prescribed Vicodin and told me to go into the ER if that didn't help.  So my DH ran to the pharmacy on his way home and then got home at 5:15pm.  In the mean time I was shaking, vomiting and nauseous.  I took a Vicodin and thought it helped in the first 20 min. however after that the pain just kept getting worse and worse. We ended up in the ER at 7pm had and ultrasound and MRI.  They admitted me and the pain did not subside until in the afternoon on Thursday.  I still have a dull pain but nothing compared to when I had to go in.  My right ovary will hopefully go down in size in the next three weeks, and hopefully we won't have to deal with this anymore.  On a better note, the babies are doing great.  Heartbeats are strong, both are growing good.   I was so worried about taking the pain meds but the doctors assured me that they do not affect the babies unless its used for long term during the pregnancy in which the babies become addicted. 

Also, I am an aunt (my side of the family)!  My only sibling (my sister) had her first baby 5/6/12.  He is beautiful 6 lbs 12oz 19.5"  - Brayden Lee.  We spend from Saturday 5/5/12 at noon until Sunday at 10am in the hospital.  She went into labor and progressed good but he was turned on his side instead of facing her back so he wouldn't come through her pelvis.  She started pushing at 2am 5/6/12 for 2 1/2 hours with just a little morphine and then they decided to do the c-section at 4:30am.  He was born at 5:50am.  She is one strong lady!  We spent some time with them after he was born and then again on Mother's Day.  I really feel me finally being pregnant helped with everyone to bond even more through the birth of my nephew.  I truly feel so blessed!!