6 months later, bombshell (maybe I'm being dramatic...)

Kaboooooooom!!!

My heart hurts.

So when we did the IVF we made the decision at that time to do cryopreservation, whether it was 1 egg or 20 eggs. Insurance doesn't cover it so its $750 on top of all the rest of the procedure costs. We signed the forms and were told the $750 would cover the freezing and the storage for 1 year.

And the bomb that got dropped....
I check my email yesterday, no reason at all just wanting to see if we got any comments on the blog and if anyone else posted and I have an email from my fertility clinic.... That's odd... It's a blank email with 2 attachments. The first one is consent to discard embryos... WHAT?! So I download the second an its consent to transfer embryos.... Ok this attachment at least has a letter with some explanation talking about using a 3rd party to store the embryos. They want a $45 transfer fee to transfer the embryos to them initially and when we are ready for them they don't charge to transfer back. Ok, that's ok... And then there's a section about storage fees, which were less than the $750 we were expecting to pay again so that's cool, but there is no mention on when we have to pay it.

So I called today and apparently this plan had been in action since April of this year, what?! We were supposed to have been told in May that this was going to happen but guess what? We weren't... Now we have until the end of November to come up with the money to transfer and store our embryos or we have to decide to discard them.

We are in the home stretch of having to make sure we have everything for baby, and now we have to come up with more money to make sure my eggs aren't just thrown out? If we knew this in May we would have been able to save money specifically for this. My husband says its fine and we'll be ok and we will be able to pay it but it hurts me that we are being hit with this now.

I'm so thankful my procedure worked for me the first time but I honestly don't think I could go through a retrieval again, and then them putting embryos back while my ovaries are blown up 20x their normal size. I don't know if I could do that part again. So I really can't stand the thought of losing my embabies right now. This is all still so fresh and now I'm exhausted.

Read everything and ask questions, and hope they tell you the truth. Apparently not the whole staff was informed of this in may and that's here the ball was dropped. I still swear by my fertility clinic because they were awesome, but this was just not something I was looking forward to hearing right now....

-Mrs Red

Relation Between Infertility & Insecurity

(Sorry I have been absent for so long! Finding time is difficult!)

Let me set the scene: Me, DH, and his best friend (who moved in with us after his wife left him) are talking while I iron fabrics I just washed and they clean up the kitchen from dinner.

I forget what lead up to it, but I said something about PCOS. I had discussed it briefly with the BF before but he forgot what it was called. When he asked what PCOS was I simply said "the reason I don't have periods" while DH says "why we can't get pregnant".

I know he didn't mean it negatively, but it was definitely a punch to the ovaries, lol. I know not being able to get pregnant is my fault because I don't ovulate. his sperm analysis numbers are awesome and my ovaries are overpopulated with follicle cysts. It just hurts to hear it, especially when we ourselves don't really talk about it.

The hardest thing about my infertility for ME is how it affects DH and me individually. Our relationship is still solid, we just torment ourselves. I had ballooned up to 245 lbs. Then lost 60. Kept it off for a year and have currently gained back 45 of that 60. I can't make excuses. I got comfortable & lazy. I stopped exercising (treadmill 60 minutes, yoga, etc) and ate unhealthy. I was on the road more with my new job of cleaning houses and would meet DH for lunch. I would be up til 3 or 4 am studying for classes and would snack to stay awake. And I let my weigh climb back up. Every time I think about how I need to lose the weight and do this and do that, I swear I gain 10 more pounds. Now I am up to 230 lbs. My high was 245 (June 2009 and my most recent low was 180 (March 2011). The worst part? I have no real motivation to lose it again. I WANT to but I don't want to do the work. I can think of things that should motivate me and STILL cannot get on the treadmill or eat more like I should. I feel so beat down. Just a huge disappointment overall. I haven't been able to get accepted into nursing school, can't get pregnant, can't get the motivation/determination to lose weight, can't help my husband lose stress and weight, and just feel like UGH.

Enough about me (sorry, this looks like it will be a long post)!

My DH says that my infertility issues don't affect him like they do with me. But I see it. (There is only so much I can say here without surpassing his internet comfortability; this is already pushing it!) But, to me, it seems like the infertility combined with stress from work is beating him down. His insecurities rang from his work performance, body issues, weight gain, and feeling like he should, but can't, do better by me. I honestly think that if I could get pregnant, he MIGHT get over some of that stuff. But I feel like he is in a pit and no matter what, I can't say or do anything to counteract/disprove his claims. I can't pull him out. I think his is more about inadequacy.

I guess what I am trying to say is that infertility affects us and our spouses/partners emotionally and physically, in all aspects of our life.

Baby dust to you guys!!

If you want to check out my weight journey blog here is the link: http://shannonsweightstory.blogspot.com/

Another Update (Ashley)

Well, another update.....So last week Sunday (10.14.12) our friend who's a professional photographer (who also did our wedding pictures) came to the hospital and took some maternity pictures for us!  We worked so hard and paid so much money I wanted to the pictures to remember this very precious time in our lives because I may never be pregnant again.  And there was a very high chance of me going into labor on Monday or Tuesday because they were turning the Magnesium Sulfate off so we wanted to get some pictures taken before then!  The nurses were awesome and excited about the photo shoot too.  They got approval from the doctor to take out my IV for an hour or two so we could have pictures taken!  So the picture above is in one of the hospital atriums!  Obviously there is only so much you can do in a hospital, so we were hoping to have more pictures taken in studio if I didn't go into labor and got released and sent home.  So Monday night at mid-night they took my Magnesium Sulfate dose from 2.5grams down to 1.5grams.  Two hours after turning the doseage down I started contracting pretty big contractions every 3-4 minutes, however I could still sleep so they weren't 'active' labor contractions.  At the rate things were going I thought for sure Tuesday would be the day!  So at 7am they shut the Magnesium Sulfate off completely.  At 32 weeks they won't do anything to stop labor in a twin pregnancy, that's why they shut the Magnesium Sulfate off because the risk no longer out weighs the benefit of having it on.  So as Tuesday went on the contractions became less frequent and less intense, Wednesday (10.17.12) things were even more mild.  So my doctor checked me at 3:15pm and I was still 1.5-2cm dilated, so he said I could go home!!!!!!!  YAY!!!!!!!!!  So I called my husband and he came to pack up and take me home :)  Oh, it felt soooooooooo good to be home, and smell the crisp, fresh, fall air!  We stopped at our house (which is under construction for a remodel and has been since I was place on bed rest) to check on the progress and things are wrapping up!  Its almost done, the trim is getting put on today and they may be working on it tomorrow yet but then we just have dishes to wash, laundry to do and finish up dusting and cleaning!!!  We should be able to move back in in a few days if the boys stay put!  It would be so nice just to have a few days with my DH at home again and feel more settled before the boys come!  Since I've been home (at my parents) my contractions have stayed pretty mild for the most part.  I have a doctor's appointment today so I'm not sure what to expect yet but we'll see!  I want to get the boys' room alittle more together before they come because once I do go into labor I will probably be healing from a c-section and want to be at the NICU as much as possible (if they come in the next 3 weeks they'll be in the NICU for some period of time) and not home putting things together.  I still haven't had my baby shower yet, and I didn't buy very much stuff because I didn't want to jinx things...but as soon as the boys are born we are going to try to do the babies' shower.  I'd like to do it when they are still in the NICU because I don't want to expose them to everyone especially this time of year (cold and flu season).  The doctor's really encourage you hold off on the number of visitors until a few weeks after their due date because premies have weaker immune systems, so we'll have to see how things work out.  The only one who knows what's going to happen when is God!

I hope all of you have the chance to experience pregnancy, I've tried to look at the past 11 weeks as a blessing from God, that he placed me on bed rest for so long so I could completely enjoy every moment and movement of my pregnancy, because we worked so hard and waited for so long.  I have also learned - if you truly put your mind to do something YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH IT!!  Good luck ladies, my thoughts and prayers are with all of you,

Holidays

      So Im sure im not the only one, but is anyone else getting nervous/dreading the holidays? I sure am. I always have to go to my dh's grandmas and then my grandparents houses. Everyone has a baby either this year or last year and they are all alot younger than me (14,15,17,18,19 and 19) and all un married with the exception of one (and that situation is just a whole other story that Im not going to get into). I try so hard not to be jealous, but its so hard. Its just not fair that these children can have children and I can't. There are some things Im looking forward to (like the homemade gifts Im making for people and new recipes I want to try =D) so Im going to make the best of it. I guess I needed a mini vent about this.
       One another note, I have a question about hormonal imbalances. Can hormonal imbalances cause you to not be able to eat very much? I mean Im glad Im not always hungry like I used to be, but its very weird. I will eat four or five bites of something and then feel like I ate a full course meal. I was just wondering if hormones can be causing this, because I cant think of anything else. Hope all is going well for everyone =D

Surreal

I still feel like someone is playing a joke on me, I can't believe I am actually pregnant. Yesterday was 26 weeks and it seems like a dream. We got confirmation a few weeks ago that we are having a little girl. Sophia. This weekend we are going to buy the big dollar essentials, and I ordered the crib on amazon a few days ago so we will get that Tuesday.
Why does it still seem not real though? I told my hubby at the first 12 weeks of ultrasounds I felt like the doctors wee just showing me a video. A prerecord video of how far they say I am and just add my name and stuff, yes I guess that makes me a conspiracy nut job lol. I kept saying, maybe when I feel the baby move it will become real.... Nope, because then I said maybe its gas. The first few times it really feels like gas or flutters. So then I said, maybe when I can see the movement. Well folks, I've been able to see my stomach move for about a week and I swear I'm not looking at myself.
Then my mom is planning my baby shower for the second weekend in November and she talks to me about it and all I can think is "MY" baby shower? That makes me cry. Not because I'm sad but because I never though I'd say that. I still feel like its all a dream. The journey has been so long and so hard to get here, I can't believe it's really happening!
I guess part of my disbelief is also because I guess I've been 'lucky' and not had too many problems other than the OHSS at the beginning and the fall down the stairs at 9 weeks, which makes my fertile Myrtle SIL very jealous since she had non stop morning sickness the whole 40 weeks. And then her constantly mentioning that fact makes me think, maybe it IS a dream. How weird how IF effects us and taints everything!
I'm so grateful to God and to modern science, which without either I really believe this wouldn't have been possible. I am still jealous of those who can "get pregnant" but I am very happy that IVF worked for us.
I don't know if I am going to even believe this when we bring her home, my daughter, God I never thought I'd be able to say those words, my daughter. Now I'm bawling... Ok maybe saying this all "out loud" or rather typing it for the world to see, maybe now I can believe this is really happening.

I hope and pray every single one of you reading this gets your miracle someday (and hopefully soon), and I hope by then you aren't as jaded as I am by IF and believe it is real the whole time and just truly enjoy the blessing.

-Mrs Red

Baby Rabies

I have them and I have them bad.  Seems like everyone I know is pregnant, trying to get pregnant, or just had a baby.  At least I have next year to look forward to trying again.  And I have lots of stuff to try to distract me.  I'm still working on my weight loss journey and next September, I will be doing the 3 day, 60 mile walk for breast cancer.  I also have been knitting a ton.

Anyway, here is my weight loss pics so far:

Before:



And this is now:

a small vent and an update!

Some days my body just confuses me. I've been cramping on and off for about 2 weeks, on top of that I've spotted twice this cycle, making me think that af is on the way. But nope, nothing happens. I'm on CD39 and I'm just so frustrated. I took a hpt last Sunday and was just a little hopeful. I snuck into the bathroom and BFN. I try really hard not to let DH know when I'm I'm taking a pregnancy test, he gets so so hopeful and it breaks my heart to tell him it's just another BFN. It's hard enough to admit silently that it's negative. When you have to say it out loud its twice as bad.
I have to remind myself that life isnt all that bad. Our dryer went out Tuesday, it was overheating and starting to melt the plastic covering around the wires. I had no idea how we were going to replace it. DH doesn't start working until next month! Frustrated I turned to Facebook (who doesn't lol). One of my families old friends and neighbors said he had a nice dryer that he would sell us and we could work out payment later! When we went to pick it up it was a whirlpool duet! He also let us have the washer that went with it. You know your an adult when you get excited about a new appliance!
Oh, and we got some pictures taken last weekend. ;) this isn't a posed picture. She was actually taking a picture of my sister and BIL and turned around and snapped this. It's one of my favorites!

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Symptoms of PCOS

Some people don't understand PCOS and what it can cause. It doesn't just affect your ovaries, but your whole body. About 56% of women with PCOS are overweight or obese. Not everyone but it is very common. And those of us that are overweight have an EXTREMELY difficult time just to lose a pound. We can't completely blame the PCOS, but it is definitely a factor.


The symptoms of PCOS can vary from woman to woman. Some of the symptoms of PCOS include:

• Infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating. In fact, PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility.
• Infrequent, absent, and/or irregular menstrual periods
• Hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um) — increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
• Cysts on the ovaries
• Acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• Weight gain or obesity, usually with extra weight around the waist
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• Patches of skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs that are thick and dark brown or black
• Skin tags — excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• Pelvic pain
• Anxiety or depression
• Sleep apnea — when breathing stops for short periods of time while asleep

Of the above I have the following:

•  Infertility due to anovulation
• Absent or infrequent periods
• Hirsutism of everywhere listed but back and thumbs
• Cysts on ovaries
• Acne, oily skin, and dandruff
• Weight gain/obesity
• Hair has DEFINITELY thinned since high school
• Occasional skin tags
• And maybe some anxiety

As you can see, I don't have all of the symptoms and others may not have the same ones I do. But PCOS is definitely a contributor to all of these. AND just because you have the symptoms doesn't mean you have PCOS. If you think you do you need to get checked by a physician.

Just checking in!

It's been a while since I've posted so I suppose it's time for an update! Well I took 50 mg of Clomid this cycle, days 3-7 and never got a positive opk. Booo. I'm on cd 25 and pretty much just waiting for af to arrive so we can hopefully start a higher dose of Clomid next cyle! Then if that doesn't work I have money saved up for an hsg test! So I guess I'll keep on keepin on! Meanwhile, I've been super busy with my photography! Check out this most recent cutie I had the pleasure of photographing!

BFN!

So I took an hpt this weekend...how foolish of me. Bfn! Like I didn't see that one coming. My nauesa only went away for like a day and its back again. Oh and I have to pee like every 30 minutes. I dont know what the crap is wrong with me. I wish my body would stop playing games with me. I guess maybe I just have some sort of virus along with a bladder infection or something? Idk...life just makes me mad sometimes. I keep having that little slimmer of hope in the back of my mind saying "well maybe you tested too early", I would feel foolish testing again just to make myself upset again so Im not even putting myself through that. Hope I can get over this sickness soon.