2 things,
1)sorry its so long but I had a lot to say, and
2)also warning this story does contain how we found out we are expecting.
The last 10 months or so I have learned a lot about my DH and how he feels about our quest for baby. Now lemme tell you, my hubby is NOT the emotional conversation participant. When someone starts talking about feelings, forget it, watch how fast the subject changes! LoL He's been pretty good talking to me about things but we've never really talked about his feelings on our journey. Don't get me wrong, I've asked PLENTY of times but I usually get a short "it'll happen in God's time" response and then I drop it.
Well at the beginning of 2012 we were talking about goals and we were about 2 months of our juicing changes. (We watched a documentary about healing your body from the inside out with fruits and veggies.) We were talking one day in January because my boss was hinting at a promotion and Hubby said his 3 goals for the year were "pay down debt, lower stress, and get me pregnant." I bout broke my neck to turn to him and said what? And he was saying that this year he wanted to focus on having a baby, whether that meant going an all natural route or doing treatments. I didn't bother asking why the sudden change because I know how much he wants kids and it already kills me. I didn't need to actually hear it.
So then we continue on with our life and then a few days later he starts talking about PCOS and things that cause it and how some people are insulin resistant and I was all "mmhmmmm, yep we tried that already" because it was stuff my GYN brought up before and tried testing. I was happy he was finally showing 'interest' but at the same time I was semi annoyed that all these years I've been trying to tell him and he wasn't listening. I think now he was in denial, was listening, just wasn't ready to talk about it and I'm ok with that. Guys aren't emotional talkers. Notice I didn't say they weren't emotional people! Because they are, they just show it differently.
Anywhosers so that was interesting and nice to see a spark. So then another week or so later he starts saying how he wanted us to try taking Maca, an herbal supplement, along with our juicing. And again this was something I tried years ago so I had like 3 bottles of the stuff laying around lol. So we talk about it and decide to try it together. The amount of stuff he researches is amazing! I can't read about stuff for that long! Well, some stuff lol.
Then my birthday started coming up and the year before when we stopped fertility treatments we had said we would revisit the idea after my birthday. So I asked him about it. He said that he was cool with whatever I wanted to do and would support me either way. So I prayed about it and then called the RE to find out what we needed to do and how long the time frame was. We continued our natural quest all the way up until we did IVF and we had all kinds of discussions about everything going on. He was much more inquisitive this time around from wanting to know what he was looking at on my sonos when they were checking my ovaries, to wanting to know what medicines I was taking and why and how. He was a good nurse :-)
When we did finally get the news we were pregnant, the way we found out was WAY out of the norm. That day I went for my blood tests I also had to have an ultrasound to check my OHSS, on the ultrasound they past by my uterus and it looked like nothing was there. When we walked out of the clinic, the moment the door shut I started bawling my eyes out saying how it didn't work, blah blah blah. I was so heart broken. No one really understands how hard this journey is an no amount of reading prepares you for the emotional an physical stress of IVF! I'm just gonna say that. So I cried the whole way to the elevator, down the elevator and to the car and in the car. The whole way he was just holding me tight saying how much he loved me, it would be ok, and how we could try again. He told me to call into work because he didn't want me to have to work being all emotional. So we stayed home and watched tv. He asked if I wanted him to take the call from the doctor and I said yes. I gave him the questions to ask about what my levels were because I wanted to know if anything was working right.
Around 12, the phone starts ringing. It was on the bed between us and I just pointed at it and he said you want me to answer an I said yeah. He answered as he was walking out to the hallway. I muted the tv and just prayed. That had to of been the longest prayer of my life that far! So then the door opens and he comes in, gives me a big smile and thumbs up and says "we're pregnant". All I could do was say "WHAT?!" And then it was like the wind was knocked out of me and I started sobbing. (Shoot I'm crying now too!) and all I would say over and over was what? *Cry* What? What? *cry*. He was just rocking me and telling me how God answered our prayers and we'd need to take care of it as long as God wanted us to have it. Then a few mins in I said "are you joking?" And he was like why would I make a joke like this? I just needed to be sure he was for real.
Since that day I have seen how nervous he is and seen how protective he is. He really is my knight. When I had spotting at 5 weeks he calmed me and called the doctor. When I fell down the stairs at 9 weeks, he literally ran to me from his desk, didn't even tell anyone where he was going or anything. When I am having bad ligament pain and make little "ssssst aaaah" noises he shoots up "what's wrong", when I step on something or stub my toe or run into something or do anything that makes me go "ow" he says what's wrong. And when I have Charlie horses that wake me up from a deep sleep he wakes up or runs out of the shower dripping wet with soapy water to massage and stretch my leg (don't underestimate the pain of a Charlie horse, they are intense!) He really is on pins and needles!
I've also learned he's become a lot more sensitive to other people. We finally went Facebook official and he tells me (things I already knew again) to not brag about it and not talk about it too much. He knows I have friends that are going through the same things. And he's seen my reaction at every single pregnancy announcement in the last 6 years and knows how hard it is. I never had/have any intention of bragging nor really talking about it unless brought up. It's just after trying so long and then keeping it secret for so long makes it something I'm ok with not talking about all the time. I'm enjoying it and thinking about it all the time but I don't want to forget where I came from.
What I've also noticed from him is that he's more aware of people he works with and recognizing those people who are privately struggling. He's noticing the signs and faces that people have and more in tune with their emotions because he says they are the faces he's seen on me and he can only imagine how I have felt all these years. I'm truly amazed at how he's, I guess, grown in the last 6 years. I love him so much and I am so happy that God put him in my life. He is such an amazing man and I cannot wait to see how we grow together.
-Mrs Red
.JPG)
