Insecure and depressed.

At this point I feel so insecure about my body. When I stopped taking BCP I was 135 lbs. I probably gained 10lbs in the year that I was off of them before DH and I actually started TTC. in the 3.5 years that we have been TTC I have went from 145 to 206. :'( It has become a big issue for me. I've tried to get myself motivated to work out... To eat right. Its almost that I'm so depressed about having PCOS and not being able to have a baby that I can't motivate myself to get up and work out. I just want to lay in bed, eat ice cream or chips and watch old TV shows that remind me of when I was little. I have gained enough weight to have HAD a baby... but their is no baby to go along with the weight. Its depressing!

Shannon's post last night made me think about a couple of nights ago when I was telling DH that I just can't picture our lives as parents. I can't see my self as a mom. I can't see myself having baby toys around the house instead of dog toys. I just have a sinking feeling that maybe I'm not ever supposed to be pregnant. Maybe I'm not supposed to ever get to experience birth and feel a baby move inside me (yes I am one of those weird people that really REALLY wants to be in Labor, without drugs!). DH and I had a talk several months ago about adoption. We've decided that if we don't have kids and aren't expecting that when I turn 28 we will start the process of adoption.

How do you guys maintain your weight? I know that having PCOS can cause you to gain weight and can make you have a hard time with loosing the weight? Any tips on how to get motivated and get out of bed? I am determined to make 2013 better than 2012!

Un-Picturable

Back in high school I could never picture myself in college or married. I thought that it meant I wouldn't make it that far in life.

I actually got married a little less than 2 years after graduating high school.

We have been TTC for almost 5 years now. And as I watch friends have babies and as I want a baby more and more every minute of every day, I can't seem to picture myself as a mom.

I watch friends and how they have changed and adjusted and are "mommies" and I just don't see the same picture for myself. I can't picture myself with a baby on my hip or chasing around a toddler. All of that is very surreal to me and makes me wonder if maybe it just isn't meant to be.

Maybe that is one of the realities of TTC. We have to accept that, God forbid, it may just not be our path. We hope with all our might that it will be, but it is almost like a grieving process for TTC. If you accept it as a possibility, it doesn't seem like it will hurt as much if it does become actuality.

Maybe that is just me.

I want to picture myself with babies and toddlers and kids and being called "mom". But the image just doesn't come to my head.

I hope everyone else is doing ok. We have a lot of new likes on the facebook page and hopefully we will get a lot more followers of the blog as well. 

Finally, a plan!

So today was our first meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and it went better than I could've hoped for! They were so thorough and genuine! When my next cycle starts, I'm supposed to have a bunch of blood work done. Then my husband and I go in for my hsg dye test and another semen analysis for him. Then we do a trigger shot and IUI eventually! It feels so good to have found great doctors who are going to help us through this!

Confusion!

Okay so a little update! I'm on cd 43 out of a usual 30-33 day cycle. We didn't keep track of anything this month and tried to relax. I realized my period was late and so I've been testing and I swear I got a Bfp on Monday. I've only had bfns since then but feeling very nauseous and very sore boobs. I had a bit of orange cm today and the only way I noticed it was because I stuck the toilet paper up there (sorry to be blunt!) There's no more though. I was excited on Monday, confused yesterday, and insane today. I called the doctor and they want me to retest on Monday and then call them. *sigh*