So much going on, sorry for the crazy emotions

So this week has just been totally awful. Last Friday my husband got hit by a drunk driver and totaled my car. Thank God he is okay. The guy turned right into him, caused him to go left of center and hit another car, then he got spun around and landed in a yard less than a foot away from a gas main. I thank God sooo much for looking out for him. Then Sunday morning, I get a text from my stepmom saying my dad was rushed to the hospital and I text her back telling her I'm on my way and then she texted me back saying he didn't make it, medics said cardiac arrest. So now my whole world is upside down. My dad and I were very close and I was not prepared for this. Tuesday I had to pay 300 dollars to get my car out of the impound and then later that night I get a text saying my grandma (my moms mom) is in the hospital, thinking its a blood clot in the lung. I haven't heard anything back about it so I'm hoping no news is good news. I'm just an emotional wreck right now. I lost my mom when I was 15 and my dad now at 23. I wish so bad I could have given my parents grandchildren. Now when I do have kids, they will never know their grandma or grandpa. I'm having a very hard time with my dads death and I just wish this nightmare was over.

Painful words

How is the baby thing going? – If you have been trying for a while and your friends and family know, you will eventually hear these words. I dread these words, even though most of the time they are well meaning. I hear them quite often from old coworkers, friends from High School, people from Daniel’s first duty station. These people aren’t trying to hurt me, or make me sad or angry. Those 6 little words- they can break your heart over and over again. In just those 6 little words I am reminded that 3 years ago we decided to turn our family into one of 3. That after all the arguments from Clomid mood swings, the shots, the money and time spent, everything we are still a family of two. What most drunken teenagers do on accident, my body has refused to do even with medical coercion.  So most of the time I just smile and say it’s going ok, when I want to cry, scream and run away all at the same time. How do you explain to someone that it breaks your heart to hear those words? That every time I’m asked all the emotions of the past three years seems to come rushing back? It’s the pain that I felt every month when I saw everybody around me announcing they were pregnant, or the frustration of not getting a Dr. to listen to me- even when I knew something wasn’t right. It’s the fear every month when I had to go get the trigger shot, and the overwhelming sadness two weeks later when the BFN was staring me in the face.  I know that I can get a little over sensitive according to members of my family. But you can’t control an emotional reaction. For me, I would rather have somebody walk up and slap my face, because it would be less painful.

Is it weird?

I am 20 weeks and 4 days today... I'm more excited than I can put into words, yet, I have not gone fb public with my announcement yet. I'm sure my family is getting irritated that we haven't shouted it from the rooftops, but, I mean when is it "safe" to tell people? NEVER!

I know I gave up my worry to God weeeeeeks ago but I don't know if I'm quite ready to tell everyone I know yet. I can't hide it at work anymore, but I can hide it online... We said we would announce when we found out the gender at my anatomy scan at 20 weeks but... Baby had other plans, the legs were crossed so we don't know what we are having... soooo.... That idea is half shot, so should I wait til I know? I mean it's probably only a few more weeks away... We took some pictures Sunday with the sono picture with the plans of going fb public with them but then today I edited them and I love how they came out, but I can't post them. Maybe it's because tomorrow is 9/11 and it just doesn't seem appropriate? Idk... I'm just rambling...

Is it weird I haven't shared my joy with people? or does it seem like IF has left me jaded? Is it normal to want to be cautious in who I share my news with??? And then on top of all that, I feel like I shouldn't be posting anymore on a fertility blog, I feel lost right now, I don't fit in with the fertiles and I don't feel like I have any right to be saying anything here either... It's a very strange limbo I never thought I would be in, and as thankful as I am for the opportunity, I just feel lost in the world. IF has been such a big part of my past, and the future is so uncertain...

Maybe I'm just weird

-Mrs Red

Long time no chat...

So I never posted my official results from my IVF in May, mainly because I don't want to "jinx" it, but also because I still don't quite believe the results myself. My husband also finally gave me the green light to share with the blogosphere but....

It worked.

Praise God, it worked! We are due with our little bundle (singular) in January. I have some thoughts I've scribbled down since we found out, mostly about the fear and anxiety, I hope to share that with you across the coming week. But for right now I'm ending the suspense.

I'm finally pregnant :'-)