Fertile/Infertile Fridays: A whole list of randomness

            Okay, to those who saw my emotional breakdown last night over yet ANOTHER pregnancy announcement, I am truly sorry. Some days or nights it gets to me more than others, last night was one of those nights. Perhaps its because she has had 3 different boyfriends in the last six months. Or perhaps its because I'm super hormonal and emotional...which brings me to my next topic.
            So I'm somewhat thinking since I decided to take this month off of the BC since I got it so late, I think even going off it for this month may have screwed up regulating my cycles already. The last couple months while I was on it, my periods ranged from 28 to 30 days. Although maybe its too soon to tell. Its only CD 32 so no need to freak out about I guess. Theres a very very very very very slimmer of hope that I have that this time could me that magical month...but...realistically I know not to think that. I'm just so worried about messing this all up (regulating my cycles) when I don't even want be on birth control in the first place. Maybe since my emotions are so out of whack its means AF will be here soon. Idk. I am really thinking about telling the doctor I don't want to do the BC anyways, but Im not sure. On one hand I feel like its pointless, on the other hand I see his point on wanting to try and regulate my cycles. Hopefully if I do the juicing like Steph suggested in the previous blog (Thanks Steph!), then maybe I will be able to at least get somewhere. That's another thing, this dieting and exercising has gone absolutely nowhere for me, in fact I'm GAINING weight. Ugh, so needless to say I think I need to try a different approach. So, I am really thankful for Steph's advice and suggestions. Thanks so much!
           Okay, so maybe this next topic will make some people angry and I'm really sorry if it does. However, I am so sick of not knowing what I want to do with my life, its probably so stupid and retarded that I have been ttc for so long way before I even knew what I want to do like career wise. I have tried to do like career aptitude tests and things like that. I still have no clue. People ask me what I have always pictured myself doing and other than being a mother I have no idea. Being a stay at home mom is out of the question though whenever I am able to have children. So hopefully I will figure all this out soon. I just feel like my life is so ridiculously out of place and I don't feel like I know how to get control of it. I keep praying for God to direct my path. I hope I figure out what to do soon though. I feel at a loss as of right now. It makes me feel so unsuccessful and like I have nothing to show for myself and that I'm lazy or something. It's not that I don't want to do anything with my life, I'm just scared to go to college and have debts of student loans and not even finish school because I change my mind or something.  Has anyone else battled this? What did you do to solve it? I need some help lol.

Oh one other topic really quick, is it weird for me to not want to talk to my husband about my emotions through this infertility/PCOS journey? Its not that I'm concerned about his feelings. Its just, I don't feel he understands and I just annoy him with my emotions about it. I'm conflicted about whether to tell him how I feel when I am hurting. Yes I do long for his support, however I just know how he is, and I just really think I would get on his nerves which would make the situation worse for both of us.
Oh I lied, one more topic. I am SOOO not ready for next month. I wish I could skip the whole freaking month all together. Number one: the dreaded mothers day (my heart sank just typing that). Number two: I am invited to like 3 baby showers as of right now for May. Number 3: May 21st marks 8 years since my mother has passed away. She passed away when I was 15.As several of you know, my father passed away in late February this year as well. I hate how doom and gloom I can be, and I am sooo sorry to vent about it. It's just hard. I'm now parentless and childish and not even that close to 30. Oh well, things could be worse. I know God has a plan, I just wish I knew how to control my emotions better. Oh June is a stupid month too now that I think about it. I lost my niece 7 years ago this June (my poor sister, idk how she did it, losing her mother and daughter within 12 months and 2weeks of each other. She is a strong woman indeed), and of course fathers day is in June, and the birthday of mine and my husbands best friend/brother in law that we lost in December of 11 to a drunk driver. So yeah May and June...not looking forward to those. Can't we just skip to July? lol I'm jk. Okay for real, I am so sorry for that Debbie Downer moment just there. I probably look like the most depressed person ever, but I promise I'm not.
Well I'm off to get ready to have a night out with one of my best friends. After I night like last night, I really need it. I hope everything is going well for everyone else. Have a great weekend everyone!-Sheila

Ashley's Update

Hey everyone, I'm so sorry I've been so out of touch.  Life has been very busy with the boys and going back to work.  However, even though I haven't been posting doesn't mean I'm not reading or thinking about you all.  As dates went by in February, March and now April, it brings me back to the huge milestones in the past 3 years, especially last year going through IVF.  I think another reason I've backed off (besides not having much time) is I remember like it was yesterday how I felt about hearing about others who had babies and I didn't.  So I know there is nothing I can say or do to make each of your situations better.  All I can try to do is give you hope and advice if you want it.  I don't want to rub it in anyone's face that I got pregnant and have two babies.  I just want to support everyone and help as I'm needed.  I know I'll always have bitter feelings towards those who take getting pregnant for granted, however it's a hard place to be in because I'm not in the same position as I was before I got pregnant.  For the first time in over 3 years I feel happy, complete and back to my old self.  I told my husband a few weeks ago - I never, ever want to feel that way again.  Meaning those two LONG years of active treatments every months with multiple doctors visits monthly, were by far the worst years of my life.  But it was truly worth every single tear and angry moment I went through.  I am here for you all, praying every moment.

I am also sad to say my very best friend who's wedding I didn't get to stand up in, in August because I was put on bed rest two days before, was diagnosed with PCOS in January.  She is still in the early stages of all the works, but it just brings back all of my bad memories that I hope she doesn't have to go through.

Bless you all and baby dust 2013 is the year :) 

Wonder Wednesday: weight loss with PCOS

Exercising sucks because its better to do with a friend but when your friend loses a ton of weight and you only manage to lose water weight and/or gain weight, it sucks. Then diets don't work... What's a girl to do?! When I first went to an Obgyn for pcos he prescribed me weight loss pills, I think it was fenedrin? Something like that. Those worked! But as soon as I stopped taking them the weight would just pile on fast. Also, you can't try to get pregnant taking it, oh and it messes with your heart. So I don't recommend that.
Next I tried weight watchers. That worked for a little while but I couldn't get past 12 lbs! Grrr... Even adding exercise, it never really worked for me. Not to toot my own horn but for my size I'm in pretty decent cardio health and flexible. I can drop it like its hot and get back up with no prob lol. But I'm a big girl. People forget that I can run, bike, and walk for long periods of time. So obviously exercising doesn't really work that well for weight loss for me. Although running works the best for me.
A little over a year ago my hubby and I saw a documentary called fat sick and nearly dead. It was about a guy who was sick of taking medicines to mask his ailments. He went to basics of fruits and veggies to see if they could heal him. After that documentary I was curious about seeing if it would help my pcos. We researched a lot and decided to start juicing. We would make a morning juice for breakfast to get used to it. Then we bought an actual juicer and started a juice fast. We would have a juice for breakfast, morning snack, lunch, and afternoon snack. For dinner we would have organic non GMO healthy meal and focused on whole grains. Within 2 weeks my period started. I thought it was a fluke and carried on... 28 days later, it came again... This happened December, January, February, March, and April. I was also taking Maca supplement in conjunction with juicing. We used a book by Elaine LaLaine called Total Juicing for recipes or just inspiration for juices. We juiced mainly parsley, kale, collard greens and spinach, along with good fruits. I lost weight during this time but did not keep track of how much. If I had to guess it was around 25 lbs. I wasn't exercising at all even though I probably should have been. It was amazing how much energy I had and my skin started to clear up. I tracked one month and didn't ovulate but it regulated my period so I'm thinking it may have started to work if I had given it more time but we were at our year mark to do ivf and so I went in and did that. I really think that those months of juicing prepared my body for the ivf and it took! Would it have worked without the juicing? Maybe but I'll never know.
I'll share some of my juicing recipes on this blog when I find my recipe book that I scribbled "winners" in.

Mrs Red

In shock...

Hey everyone! I haven written in a while because we've kind of been on a break from ttc because we had plans to see our fertility specialist next week. In the past month I've lost my nephew, started a new full time job and been completely busy. I woke up this morning and felt so off. I took THREE wondfo hpts and each one of them looked like they may have had a line but I wasn't sure if it was real or an evap line. I took TWO clear blue digitals and they both came up as POSITIVE! I freaked out and called the doctor and went in for blood work and they confirmed that I'm pregnant! I'm entering into my 5th week and I just can't believe it. God is so good. I will continue to support all of you and will pray for each and every one of you!!

Guest Post: "Honey"

When my daughter was 5 I met the man of my dreams, a single father of two. I became a mom of three overnight practically and I couldn’t have been more thrilled. We also started trying at the beginning of our relationship we knew that we found our true match so why wait for the picket fence or the matching wedding bands when we had both already had that and it didn’t work out. We got pregnant luckily right away, but sadly it ended in yet another loss in august of 2009. I have not gotten a positive test since then. Due to this roller coaster we have taken breaks when we reach our breaking point of disappointment.

I am 10dpo and feeling defeated already, mostly because this has been the case off and on for the last 4+ years. I got pregnant with my daughter when I was 21 years old, I got married at 19 fresh faced and full of ideas of a white picket fence and at least four kids running around the yard. We started trying right away and it took almost the full two years to conceive her, the very cycle I got pregnant with her was to be my first cycle of clomid but AF never came and luckily 8 months  3 weeks later I had a healthy 6lb 2oz baby girl. We tried almost immediately for another child knowing it would probably take another couple years to conceive. Several losses later my marriage ended when my daughter was 15 months old, and my ex-husbands girlfriend was pregnant.

We are starting fresh yet again on cd 24,10dpo and I have I admit been willienillie about testing. I, like I am sure so many of us developed the all too common preggochondria “symptoms” at 6dpo convinced that we had conceived this is it I just “know” it. So I started testing at 8dpo,9dpo, and again this morning at 10dpo. All stark white negatives of course, with the taking of each new test your breath catches and then when its negative you think “why on earth do you keep doing this to yourself ?” With the ablity to bring joy or sorrow they are fickle little buggars. Good thing that was my last test and I have decided this cycle to order tests online now so they take a few days to get to me and I don’t have tests lying around taunting me, asking me to pee on them.

The thing is, no matter how many times a test or cycle defeats me for a short time, the time leading up to it where every twinge or pinch might be the symptom that leads to the positive test that will lead to another great blessing and joyous addition to our lives is what makes me get up dust myself off and say I can do this again. As cliché as it sounds and as frustrating as it is to hear from doctors and almost everyone that has ever gotten pregnant the first time they tried, “it only takes once.” This gives me hope, that not just me but everyone that can relate to my story can someday hold their baby in their arms. The joy of that keeps me going; hopefully sharing my story keeps you going as well, just for the joy of it.

Baby dust to all

~“honey”