Fertile/Infertile Fridays: A whole list of randomness

            Okay, to those who saw my emotional breakdown last night over yet ANOTHER pregnancy announcement, I am truly sorry. Some days or nights it gets to me more than others, last night was one of those nights. Perhaps its because she has had 3 different boyfriends in the last six months. Or perhaps its because I'm super hormonal and emotional...which brings me to my next topic.
            So I'm somewhat thinking since I decided to take this month off of the BC since I got it so late, I think even going off it for this month may have screwed up regulating my cycles already. The last couple months while I was on it, my periods ranged from 28 to 30 days. Although maybe its too soon to tell. Its only CD 32 so no need to freak out about I guess. Theres a very very very very very slimmer of hope that I have that this time could me that magical month...but...realistically I know not to think that. I'm just so worried about messing this all up (regulating my cycles) when I don't even want be on birth control in the first place. Maybe since my emotions are so out of whack its means AF will be here soon. Idk. I am really thinking about telling the doctor I don't want to do the BC anyways, but Im not sure. On one hand I feel like its pointless, on the other hand I see his point on wanting to try and regulate my cycles. Hopefully if I do the juicing like Steph suggested in the previous blog (Thanks Steph!), then maybe I will be able to at least get somewhere. That's another thing, this dieting and exercising has gone absolutely nowhere for me, in fact I'm GAINING weight. Ugh, so needless to say I think I need to try a different approach. So, I am really thankful for Steph's advice and suggestions. Thanks so much!
           Okay, so maybe this next topic will make some people angry and I'm really sorry if it does. However, I am so sick of not knowing what I want to do with my life, its probably so stupid and retarded that I have been ttc for so long way before I even knew what I want to do like career wise. I have tried to do like career aptitude tests and things like that. I still have no clue. People ask me what I have always pictured myself doing and other than being a mother I have no idea. Being a stay at home mom is out of the question though whenever I am able to have children. So hopefully I will figure all this out soon. I just feel like my life is so ridiculously out of place and I don't feel like I know how to get control of it. I keep praying for God to direct my path. I hope I figure out what to do soon though. I feel at a loss as of right now. It makes me feel so unsuccessful and like I have nothing to show for myself and that I'm lazy or something. It's not that I don't want to do anything with my life, I'm just scared to go to college and have debts of student loans and not even finish school because I change my mind or something.  Has anyone else battled this? What did you do to solve it? I need some help lol.

Oh one other topic really quick, is it weird for me to not want to talk to my husband about my emotions through this infertility/PCOS journey? Its not that I'm concerned about his feelings. Its just, I don't feel he understands and I just annoy him with my emotions about it. I'm conflicted about whether to tell him how I feel when I am hurting. Yes I do long for his support, however I just know how he is, and I just really think I would get on his nerves which would make the situation worse for both of us.
Oh I lied, one more topic. I am SOOO not ready for next month. I wish I could skip the whole freaking month all together. Number one: the dreaded mothers day (my heart sank just typing that). Number two: I am invited to like 3 baby showers as of right now for May. Number 3: May 21st marks 8 years since my mother has passed away. She passed away when I was 15.As several of you know, my father passed away in late February this year as well. I hate how doom and gloom I can be, and I am sooo sorry to vent about it. It's just hard. I'm now parentless and childish and not even that close to 30. Oh well, things could be worse. I know God has a plan, I just wish I knew how to control my emotions better. Oh June is a stupid month too now that I think about it. I lost my niece 7 years ago this June (my poor sister, idk how she did it, losing her mother and daughter within 12 months and 2weeks of each other. She is a strong woman indeed), and of course fathers day is in June, and the birthday of mine and my husbands best friend/brother in law that we lost in December of 11 to a drunk driver. So yeah May and June...not looking forward to those. Can't we just skip to July? lol I'm jk. Okay for real, I am so sorry for that Debbie Downer moment just there. I probably look like the most depressed person ever, but I promise I'm not.
Well I'm off to get ready to have a night out with one of my best friends. After I night like last night, I really need it. I hope everything is going well for everyone else. Have a great weekend everyone!-Sheila

Ashley's Update

Hey everyone, I'm so sorry I've been so out of touch.  Life has been very busy with the boys and going back to work.  However, even though I haven't been posting doesn't mean I'm not reading or thinking about you all.  As dates went by in February, March and now April, it brings me back to the huge milestones in the past 3 years, especially last year going through IVF.  I think another reason I've backed off (besides not having much time) is I remember like it was yesterday how I felt about hearing about others who had babies and I didn't.  So I know there is nothing I can say or do to make each of your situations better.  All I can try to do is give you hope and advice if you want it.  I don't want to rub it in anyone's face that I got pregnant and have two babies.  I just want to support everyone and help as I'm needed.  I know I'll always have bitter feelings towards those who take getting pregnant for granted, however it's a hard place to be in because I'm not in the same position as I was before I got pregnant.  For the first time in over 3 years I feel happy, complete and back to my old self.  I told my husband a few weeks ago - I never, ever want to feel that way again.  Meaning those two LONG years of active treatments every months with multiple doctors visits monthly, were by far the worst years of my life.  But it was truly worth every single tear and angry moment I went through.  I am here for you all, praying every moment.

I am also sad to say my very best friend who's wedding I didn't get to stand up in, in August because I was put on bed rest two days before, was diagnosed with PCOS in January.  She is still in the early stages of all the works, but it just brings back all of my bad memories that I hope she doesn't have to go through.

Bless you all and baby dust 2013 is the year :) 

Baby S the first, an IF success story

So this post is long over due, but here is the birth story of Sophia the first.

We tried for 5 1/2 years before getting pregnant. Multiple failed clomid rounds, 3 failed iui's, ovarian drilling surgery, fibroids removed from uterus, PCOS, and one miracle IVF cycle that worked at the first try. I consider myself lucky that it "only" took 5 years and the IVF worked the first time. I know I'm fortunate for that. My IVF process is documented in this blog in 2012 entries.

I was also lucky enough to have a fairly easy pregnancy. I had a few normal pregnancy symptoms that were not even remotely "bad". But at the end of the pregnancy, after 6 years of waiting, 40 weeks just seemed like an eternity so after I reached 37 weeks, I was looking for ideas to induce labor naturally but didn't try anything until 38 weeks 4 days.

January 15
I had been reading about cinnamon tea and took some the day before and it tasted good even if it didn't do anything. So I made me tea in the morning. Then I googled "labor inducing food" everything says spicy and as a Hispanic person, I eat that a lot soooo if it hasn't worked yet lol. Although I must admit the week before I bit into a piece of Serrano and that night I had bad contractions, got scared and stayed away from spicy. So I found a recipe for "labor cake". Sounded good and it was just chocolate so even if it did t work it would still be tasty. So for dinner we ate spicy tortilla soup and labor cake

January 16
2:28 am I was awaken by a decent contraction. But didn't have another one for an hour so I fell back asleep but had one every hour. I called out of work because I felt exhausted. I got up at 830 to pee and after I finished it felt like water running out of a slow faucet. So I txt DH and called the doctor. The nurse called back at 1030 and said to go in at 130 to see if it was my amniotic fluid. So I called DH and asked him to come home to take me. We didn't take the bags because we both figured I'd be coming home since I hadn't noticed any more contractions after 11.
When I see my doctor she says I'm 2cm dialated... Boo lol but then asked about fetal movement and I hadn't been feeling the grandiose movements since the last appt a week before so she sent me for in office fetal monitoring. On the monitor I noticed I had 3 contractions in the hour I was monitored. Nothing strong or anything so thought "great more Braxton hicks". She came to the room and said she didn't like the fetal movement and sent me to labor and delivery for a 2 hour fetal monitor in a dim quiet room. Towards the end of the first airing if family feud, yes I was watching tv lol, I felt a bunch of contractions pretty close, but again not strong and the doctor was due to come any minute. After the 2 hrs she came in and said that there wasn't enough movement and she wanted to induce me since I was 38 weeks 6 days. Wow... So DH ran home to get our bags and I called my mom to come right away.
Doctor came back a little later and explained that first they would break my water, put in an internal monitor, then start pitocin after an hour or so.
So then we got down to business. When she went to break my water she goes "OMG, you are already 4cm! You are already in labor! But since the baby isn't moving well I still want to continue with the pitocin." So I said ok. Contractions were good and tolerable up until 9pm when they increased the pitocin too high. I started having off the charts contractions. When they checked my cervix at 10 and I had only increased 1 cm I broke down. I kicked everyone out and asked for an epidural. I felt like a failure but I was exhausted and hadn't eaten all day! I thought I'd leave my appt and get lunch, I was wrong!
I got the epidural and knocked out. My blood pressure dropped really low apparently but they got it stabilized and let me sleep.

January 17
I slept until I was woken up at 1 to check my cervix again, I was at 9cm! So they got me ready to push. I kicked everyone out again at 230 because they came back when I was asleep lol.

After an hour of pushing my doctor came in sleepy looking n said I was ready. 4 good pushes later I hear "330 happy birthday" I started crying immediately because the next sound I hear is MY baby. The respiratory nurse was called in and other that seeing a flash of her for a second I didn't see her for a few mins. So during labor her pulse kept dropping so they were worried. She was born with the cord around her neck but thank God she was fine. She also got a big bruise on the top side of her head that was squishy for weeks but now is just a big bump. There's a name for it but I don't remember. It'll go away and if it doesn't I still think she's perfect. The bump made her severely jaundiced which gave us an extra day stay in the hospital but breastfeeding has gotten rid of it mostly. Her color is also becoming less yellow.

We are so in love with her and so thankful to God that we finally got out miracle. I believe you will all get yours one day too. I hope this story gives you hope to keep pushing for your happy ever after no mater what route you take!

-Mrs Red

Finally, a plan!

So today was our first meeting with a Reproductive Endocrinologist and it went better than I could've hoped for! They were so thorough and genuine! When my next cycle starts, I'm supposed to have a bunch of blood work done. Then my husband and I go in for my hsg dye test and another semen analysis for him. Then we do a trigger shot and IUI eventually! It feels so good to have found great doctors who are going to help us through this!

Relation Between Infertility & Insecurity

(Sorry I have been absent for so long! Finding time is difficult!)

Let me set the scene: Me, DH, and his best friend (who moved in with us after his wife left him) are talking while I iron fabrics I just washed and they clean up the kitchen from dinner.

I forget what lead up to it, but I said something about PCOS. I had discussed it briefly with the BF before but he forgot what it was called. When he asked what PCOS was I simply said "the reason I don't have periods" while DH says "why we can't get pregnant".

I know he didn't mean it negatively, but it was definitely a punch to the ovaries, lol. I know not being able to get pregnant is my fault because I don't ovulate. his sperm analysis numbers are awesome and my ovaries are overpopulated with follicle cysts. It just hurts to hear it, especially when we ourselves don't really talk about it.

The hardest thing about my infertility for ME is how it affects DH and me individually. Our relationship is still solid, we just torment ourselves. I had ballooned up to 245 lbs. Then lost 60. Kept it off for a year and have currently gained back 45 of that 60. I can't make excuses. I got comfortable & lazy. I stopped exercising (treadmill 60 minutes, yoga, etc) and ate unhealthy. I was on the road more with my new job of cleaning houses and would meet DH for lunch. I would be up til 3 or 4 am studying for classes and would snack to stay awake. And I let my weigh climb back up. Every time I think about how I need to lose the weight and do this and do that, I swear I gain 10 more pounds. Now I am up to 230 lbs. My high was 245 (June 2009 and my most recent low was 180 (March 2011). The worst part? I have no real motivation to lose it again. I WANT to but I don't want to do the work. I can think of things that should motivate me and STILL cannot get on the treadmill or eat more like I should. I feel so beat down. Just a huge disappointment overall. I haven't been able to get accepted into nursing school, can't get pregnant, can't get the motivation/determination to lose weight, can't help my husband lose stress and weight, and just feel like UGH.

Enough about me (sorry, this looks like it will be a long post)!

My DH says that my infertility issues don't affect him like they do with me. But I see it. (There is only so much I can say here without surpassing his internet comfortability; this is already pushing it!) But, to me, it seems like the infertility combined with stress from work is beating him down. His insecurities rang from his work performance, body issues, weight gain, and feeling like he should, but can't, do better by me. I honestly think that if I could get pregnant, he MIGHT get over some of that stuff. But I feel like he is in a pit and no matter what, I can't say or do anything to counteract/disprove his claims. I can't pull him out. I think his is more about inadequacy.

I guess what I am trying to say is that infertility affects us and our spouses/partners emotionally and physically, in all aspects of our life.

Baby dust to you guys!!

If you want to check out my weight journey blog here is the link: http://shannonsweightstory.blogspot.com/

Holidays

      So Im sure im not the only one, but is anyone else getting nervous/dreading the holidays? I sure am. I always have to go to my dh's grandmas and then my grandparents houses. Everyone has a baby either this year or last year and they are all alot younger than me (14,15,17,18,19 and 19) and all un married with the exception of one (and that situation is just a whole other story that Im not going to get into). I try so hard not to be jealous, but its so hard. Its just not fair that these children can have children and I can't. There are some things Im looking forward to (like the homemade gifts Im making for people and new recipes I want to try =D) so Im going to make the best of it. I guess I needed a mini vent about this.
       One another note, I have a question about hormonal imbalances. Can hormonal imbalances cause you to not be able to eat very much? I mean Im glad Im not always hungry like I used to be, but its very weird. I will eat four or five bites of something and then feel like I ate a full course meal. I was just wondering if hormones can be causing this, because I cant think of anything else. Hope all is going well for everyone =D

a small vent and an update!

Some days my body just confuses me. I've been cramping on and off for about 2 weeks, on top of that I've spotted twice this cycle, making me think that af is on the way. But nope, nothing happens. I'm on CD39 and I'm just so frustrated. I took a hpt last Sunday and was just a little hopeful. I snuck into the bathroom and BFN. I try really hard not to let DH know when I'm I'm taking a pregnancy test, he gets so so hopeful and it breaks my heart to tell him it's just another BFN. It's hard enough to admit silently that it's negative. When you have to say it out loud its twice as bad.
I have to remind myself that life isnt all that bad. Our dryer went out Tuesday, it was overheating and starting to melt the plastic covering around the wires. I had no idea how we were going to replace it. DH doesn't start working until next month! Frustrated I turned to Facebook (who doesn't lol). One of my families old friends and neighbors said he had a nice dryer that he would sell us and we could work out payment later! When we went to pick it up it was a whirlpool duet! He also let us have the washer that went with it. You know your an adult when you get excited about a new appliance!
Oh, and we got some pictures taken last weekend. ;) this isn't a posed picture. She was actually taking a picture of my sister and BIL and turned around and snapped this. It's one of my favorites!

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DH

2 things,
1)sorry its so long but I had a lot to say, and
2)also warning this story does contain how we found out we are expecting.

The last 10 months or so I have learned a lot about my DH and how he feels about our quest for baby. Now lemme tell you, my hubby is NOT the emotional conversation participant. When someone starts talking about feelings, forget it, watch how fast the subject changes! LoL He's been pretty good talking to me about things but we've never really talked about his feelings on our journey. Don't get me wrong, I've asked PLENTY of times but I usually get a short "it'll happen in God's time" response and then I drop it.

Well at the beginning of 2012 we were talking about goals and we were about 2 months of our juicing changes. (We watched a documentary about healing your body from the inside out with fruits and veggies.) We were talking one day in January because my boss was hinting at a promotion and Hubby said his 3 goals for the year were "pay down debt, lower stress, and get me pregnant." I bout broke my neck to turn to him and said what? And he was saying that this year he wanted to focus on having a baby, whether that meant going an all natural route or doing treatments. I didn't bother asking why the sudden change because I know how much he wants kids and it already kills me. I didn't need to actually hear it.

So then we continue on with our life and then a few days later he starts talking about PCOS and things that cause it and how some people are insulin resistant and I was all "mmhmmmm, yep we tried that already" because it was stuff my GYN brought up before and tried testing. I was happy he was finally showing 'interest' but at the same time I was semi annoyed that all these years I've been trying to tell him and he wasn't listening. I think now he was in denial, was listening, just wasn't ready to talk about it and I'm ok with that. Guys aren't emotional talkers. Notice I didn't say they weren't emotional people! Because they are, they just show it differently.

Anywhosers so that was interesting and nice to see a spark. So then another week or so later he starts saying how he wanted us to try taking Maca, an herbal supplement, along with our juicing. And again this was something I tried years ago so I had like 3 bottles of the stuff laying around lol. So we talk about it and decide to try it together. The amount of stuff he researches is amazing! I can't read about stuff for that long! Well, some stuff lol.

Then my birthday started coming up and the year before when we stopped fertility treatments we had said we would revisit the idea after my birthday. So I asked him about it. He said that he was cool with whatever I wanted to do and would support me either way. So I prayed about it and then called the RE to find out what we needed to do and how long the time frame was. We continued our natural quest all the way up until we did IVF and we had all kinds of discussions about everything going on. He was much more inquisitive this time around from wanting to know what he was looking at on my sonos when they were checking my ovaries, to wanting to know what medicines I was taking and why and how. He was a good nurse :-)

When we did finally get the news we were pregnant, the way we found out was WAY out of the norm. That day I went for my blood tests I also had to have an ultrasound to check my OHSS, on the ultrasound they past by my uterus and it looked like nothing was there. When we walked out of the clinic, the moment the door shut I started bawling my eyes out saying how it didn't work, blah blah blah. I was so heart broken. No one really understands how hard this journey is an no amount of reading prepares you for the emotional an physical stress of IVF! I'm just gonna say that. So I cried the whole way to the elevator, down the elevator and to the car and in the car. The whole way he was just holding me tight saying how much he loved me, it would be ok, and how we could try again. He told me to call into work because he didn't want me to have to work being all emotional. So we stayed home and watched tv. He asked if I wanted him to take the call from the doctor and I said yes. I gave him the questions to ask about what my levels were because I wanted to know if anything was working right.

Around 12, the phone starts ringing. It was on the bed between us and I just pointed at it and he said you want me to answer an I said yeah. He answered as he was walking out to the hallway. I muted the tv and just prayed. That had to of been the longest prayer of my life that far! So then the door opens and he comes in, gives me a big smile and thumbs up and says "we're pregnant". All I could do was say "WHAT?!" And then it was like the wind was knocked out of me and I started sobbing. (Shoot I'm crying now too!) and all I would say over and over was what? *Cry* What? What? *cry*. He was just rocking me and telling me how God answered our prayers and we'd need to take care of it as long as God wanted us to have it. Then a few mins in I said "are you joking?" And he was like why would I make a joke like this? I just needed to be sure he was for real.

Since that day I have seen how nervous he is and seen how protective he is. He really is my knight. When I had spotting at 5 weeks he calmed me and called the doctor. When I fell down the stairs at 9 weeks, he literally ran to me from his desk, didn't even tell anyone where he was going or anything. When I am having bad ligament pain and make little "ssssst aaaah" noises he shoots up "what's wrong", when I step on something or stub my toe or run into something or do anything that makes me go "ow" he says what's wrong. And when I have Charlie horses that wake me up from a deep sleep he wakes up or runs out of the shower dripping wet with soapy water to massage and stretch my leg (don't underestimate the pain of a Charlie horse, they are intense!) He really is on pins and needles!

I've also learned he's become a lot more sensitive to other people. We finally went Facebook official and he tells me (things I already knew again) to not brag about it and not talk about it too much. He knows I have friends that are going through the same things. And he's seen my reaction at every single pregnancy announcement in the last 6 years and knows how hard it is. I never had/have any intention of bragging nor really talking about it unless brought up. It's just after trying so long and then keeping it secret for so long makes it something I'm ok with not talking about all the time. I'm enjoying it and thinking about it all the time but I don't want to forget where I came from.

What I've also noticed from him is that he's more aware of people he works with and recognizing those people who are privately struggling. He's noticing the signs and faces that people have and more in tune with their emotions because he says they are the faces he's seen on me and he can only imagine how I have felt all these years. I'm truly amazed at how he's, I guess, grown in the last 6 years. I love him so much and I am so happy that God put him in my life. He is such an amazing man and I cannot wait to see how we grow together.

-Mrs Red

He Supports Me :)

Husband and myself with our matching PCOS bracelets (I'm the lighter person). They say ”I am stronger than PCOS”.
You can buy them at Aerabella's (see link under Recommended Links tab at top)