Hopeful 2ww

Well it's fertile Friday, and I'm in the 2ww. Last week I was having o pains on both sides, and everything lined up ;).

Today I had awful cramps in my lower back. It almost took the wind out of me! I'm trying really hard not to get my hopes up. I don't want to deal with being hopeful and another heartache. DH is getting hopeful too. I haven't said anything to him, but the other day he said that he has a big feeling that we were going to have a baby soon. Im hoping that his feeling is right. But what if they aren't? The more hopeful I get, the more symptoms I "find" and interpret as possible pregnancy symptoms. I guess I will have my answer in a week or so. I need to wait it out and relax, stop interpreting every little twinge and a good sign.


Do you let yourself get hopeful in the 2ww or do you try to stay neutral to avoid heartache?

Wonder Wednesdays: Surrogacy

In the IF world we are asked a lot of questions of "What about...?" "What if...?" etc.

One I've been asked about is if I thought about surrogacy.

Now in my instance I feel like that is too drastic at this point.
A) All we have done is a couple rounds of clomid
B) Finding someone I trust
C) I'd prefer a gestational carrier

Don't get me wrong. I thing surrogates and gestational carriers are angels on earth. Before all this started, way back in high school, I even thought about being a surrogate/carrier for certain friends (and still would) if they ever needed it. NEVER thought that one day my feet could be in those shoes!!

When it came to me maybe having to do that one day... I was hesitant at the thought. I want the joy at being pregnant, feeling the baby kick or respond to my or my husband's voice... But in the end, the result is a baby for me to have and keep. That is the big picture.

What are your thoughts on surrogates or gestational carriers?

Maniac Mondays

 I'm a day late in writing this, but here is my day in regards to yesterday. So, yesterday was an AWESOME DAY....NOT! Of course we had all the "I'm pregnant April fools jokes" yeah...not funny. Then I find out a girl I know really IS pregnant. Her daughter is almost 7 weeks old. This girl isn't lying either. She posted pics of her papers from her doctor and everything so people would believe her. She has 4 KIDS already! Not only that, but her boyfriends daughter is about a year and a half old. So that makes 5, pregnant with the 6th! And her daughter is 7 weeks old!!!!! That is ridiculous.......and I think she *may* be considering an abortion from some of the things she is saying. Horrible =( She posted a screenshot of explicit texts between her and her boyfriend a few weeks ago about how they were going to have sex and somebody asked if her doctor even cleared her for that and she said no. Real smart lady...way to go. Ughhh I kind of feel so stupid for being so jealous and mad and outraged, but REALLY???!!! Then I reposted the pic about not putting the im pregnant april fools joke out of respect of those who have lost babies, have endured years of ivf and infertility annnnd my stepmoms friend commented on it VERY RUDELY to me. She called me stupid (along with a bunch of other rude words she called me), and demanded I deleted it. Didn't even have the decency to private message me about it. Just went on to pretty much "yell" at me in front of everyone. I put the pic up out of respect to all you ladies, my sister and many other friends I have that are either dealing with infertility and/or who have suffered through miscarriages. I went on to ask the woman if she even know the background of the lady who made the pic (I had the opportunity to read that, thanks to Shannon for putting that up. Thanks Shannon!=D) and her response was "idc, do you know the background of my friend who lost a baby?" then my best friend commented on it and said "Sheila is just putting this up because she knows a lot of people who have miscarriages and stuff and doesn't want to see them hurt" and she went on to repeat herself and say "idc, do you know the background of my friend that lost a baby?" So anyways I deleted the pic and sent her a private message saying
"Im sorry I upset you earlier. I was posting that for alot of personal reasons. I dont tell everyone everything that goes on in my life. I was also sharing it for my sister bc she wanted me to but I understand what your saying so I took it down. My sister had 3 miscarriages and a baby dead not long after birth. I know its painful. I held my dead neice in my arms 13 months after my momma died. Then theres more personal issues Id rather not get into. Im sorry I hurt you though." But anyways, I understand what she was saying but she could have went about it a better way, and she could have been nicer and not confront me about it so publicly and she could have been more considerate. She really hurt me the way she handled it. I feel so immature for how I felt about it, but I literally cried myself to sleep last night over my day. Hormones and infertility suck. Today is going better though. Hope everybody had a MUCH better day than I did yesterday. Hope all is going well for everyone =D

Did We Get 200 Likes on Facebook????

We sure did!!! To see if you won visit www.facebook.com/fightingforfertility

Thanks everyone!!! Stay tuned for our next offer!!!

So much going on, sorry for the crazy emotions

So this week has just been totally awful. Last Friday my husband got hit by a drunk driver and totaled my car. Thank God he is okay. The guy turned right into him, caused him to go left of center and hit another car, then he got spun around and landed in a yard less than a foot away from a gas main. I thank God sooo much for looking out for him. Then Sunday morning, I get a text from my stepmom saying my dad was rushed to the hospital and I text her back telling her I'm on my way and then she texted me back saying he didn't make it, medics said cardiac arrest. So now my whole world is upside down. My dad and I were very close and I was not prepared for this. Tuesday I had to pay 300 dollars to get my car out of the impound and then later that night I get a text saying my grandma (my moms mom) is in the hospital, thinking its a blood clot in the lung. I haven't heard anything back about it so I'm hoping no news is good news. I'm just an emotional wreck right now. I lost my mom when I was 15 and my dad now at 23. I wish so bad I could have given my parents grandchildren. Now when I do have kids, they will never know their grandma or grandpa. I'm having a very hard time with my dads death and I just wish this nightmare was over.

So impatient!

Recently dh and I have been talking about when to start fertility treatments again. Due to the fact that we have different insurance and that clomid is the evil drug that flips the crazy Jessica switch, we aren't ready to jump in head first again. We've decided in a year... But now that we've decided to wait a year and see if we can get things to happen naturally, I'm getting impatient. I'm being surrounded with pregnant women, impatient women that are complaining about it taking 4 months and still nothing. I've just ran out of patience. I want this NOW!! Im sure that everyone can relate.

So with my impatience I've been researching things to help things along without flipping the crazy switch!

I've looked at pregnitude- according to their website (http://www.pregnitude.com/content/what-is-pregnitude) is 2 grams of myo-inositol and 200 mg of folic acid that you take twice a day- something that I already do. So for 41.28 a month on amazon I've crossed that out.

Fertile aid - supped up multi vitamin with vitex. I'm already taking a multi vitamin and I'm taking vitex daily At 28.95 a month I've crossed that out.

Several others that I've researched have been crossed for the same reason. I guess I've made my own supplement and I just need to have some more patience and hope things happen soon! I hope things get better when it warms up and I can get outside and work on the fence and flower beds! It'll at least keep me from watching so much tv with all the hpt commercials and pregnant women everywhere!

Baby S the first, an IF success story

So this post is long over due, but here is the birth story of Sophia the first.

We tried for 5 1/2 years before getting pregnant. Multiple failed clomid rounds, 3 failed iui's, ovarian drilling surgery, fibroids removed from uterus, PCOS, and one miracle IVF cycle that worked at the first try. I consider myself lucky that it "only" took 5 years and the IVF worked the first time. I know I'm fortunate for that. My IVF process is documented in this blog in 2012 entries.

I was also lucky enough to have a fairly easy pregnancy. I had a few normal pregnancy symptoms that were not even remotely "bad". But at the end of the pregnancy, after 6 years of waiting, 40 weeks just seemed like an eternity so after I reached 37 weeks, I was looking for ideas to induce labor naturally but didn't try anything until 38 weeks 4 days.

January 15
I had been reading about cinnamon tea and took some the day before and it tasted good even if it didn't do anything. So I made me tea in the morning. Then I googled "labor inducing food" everything says spicy and as a Hispanic person, I eat that a lot soooo if it hasn't worked yet lol. Although I must admit the week before I bit into a piece of Serrano and that night I had bad contractions, got scared and stayed away from spicy. So I found a recipe for "labor cake". Sounded good and it was just chocolate so even if it did t work it would still be tasty. So for dinner we ate spicy tortilla soup and labor cake

January 16
2:28 am I was awaken by a decent contraction. But didn't have another one for an hour so I fell back asleep but had one every hour. I called out of work because I felt exhausted. I got up at 830 to pee and after I finished it felt like water running out of a slow faucet. So I txt DH and called the doctor. The nurse called back at 1030 and said to go in at 130 to see if it was my amniotic fluid. So I called DH and asked him to come home to take me. We didn't take the bags because we both figured I'd be coming home since I hadn't noticed any more contractions after 11.
When I see my doctor she says I'm 2cm dialated... Boo lol but then asked about fetal movement and I hadn't been feeling the grandiose movements since the last appt a week before so she sent me for in office fetal monitoring. On the monitor I noticed I had 3 contractions in the hour I was monitored. Nothing strong or anything so thought "great more Braxton hicks". She came to the room and said she didn't like the fetal movement and sent me to labor and delivery for a 2 hour fetal monitor in a dim quiet room. Towards the end of the first airing if family feud, yes I was watching tv lol, I felt a bunch of contractions pretty close, but again not strong and the doctor was due to come any minute. After the 2 hrs she came in and said that there wasn't enough movement and she wanted to induce me since I was 38 weeks 6 days. Wow... So DH ran home to get our bags and I called my mom to come right away.
Doctor came back a little later and explained that first they would break my water, put in an internal monitor, then start pitocin after an hour or so.
So then we got down to business. When she went to break my water she goes "OMG, you are already 4cm! You are already in labor! But since the baby isn't moving well I still want to continue with the pitocin." So I said ok. Contractions were good and tolerable up until 9pm when they increased the pitocin too high. I started having off the charts contractions. When they checked my cervix at 10 and I had only increased 1 cm I broke down. I kicked everyone out and asked for an epidural. I felt like a failure but I was exhausted and hadn't eaten all day! I thought I'd leave my appt and get lunch, I was wrong!
I got the epidural and knocked out. My blood pressure dropped really low apparently but they got it stabilized and let me sleep.

January 17
I slept until I was woken up at 1 to check my cervix again, I was at 9cm! So they got me ready to push. I kicked everyone out again at 230 because they came back when I was asleep lol.

After an hour of pushing my doctor came in sleepy looking n said I was ready. 4 good pushes later I hear "330 happy birthday" I started crying immediately because the next sound I hear is MY baby. The respiratory nurse was called in and other that seeing a flash of her for a second I didn't see her for a few mins. So during labor her pulse kept dropping so they were worried. She was born with the cord around her neck but thank God she was fine. She also got a big bruise on the top side of her head that was squishy for weeks but now is just a big bump. There's a name for it but I don't remember. It'll go away and if it doesn't I still think she's perfect. The bump made her severely jaundiced which gave us an extra day stay in the hospital but breastfeeding has gotten rid of it mostly. Her color is also becoming less yellow.

We are so in love with her and so thankful to God that we finally got out miracle. I believe you will all get yours one day too. I hope this story gives you hope to keep pushing for your happy ever after no mater what route you take!

-Mrs Red

Shhh... We are Being Quiet... LOL!!!

I'm sorry the blog has been so quiet lately... Life just gets crazy at times!

I know I have some requests I need to respond to about author's for secondary infertility and I need to find some male infertility writers. But time slips by quickly :o)

February has been an... interesting month for me. 2013 for that matter.

For Christmas we went and saw my grandmother who had cancer. Wanted to make sure we took the time to see her. Then my brother spent 3 weeks in TX with us (she is in AZ).
Early January I made a religion change (prefer to keep it private for now).
Mid-January I had surprise spotting for 3 days (very light).
January 14th my grandmother chose to stop chemo because it wasn't benefiting her.
BFN towards the end of January.
February 5th my favorite grandmother passed away... The one we visited at Christmas.
February 13th I started spotting again.
February 14th we arrived in AZ.
February 14th I find out a cousin is pregnant with her 2nd child.
February 15th was Grandmama's memorial.
February 17th we are home in TX.
February 18th spotting gets a little heavier.
And then February 21st the period stops.

Weird. I haven't taken ANY vitamins since Christmas yet the second spotting started 28 days after the first spotting stopped.

That has NEVER happened except on birth control pills.

How has your 2013 treated you so far??

Insecure and depressed.

At this point I feel so insecure about my body. When I stopped taking BCP I was 135 lbs. I probably gained 10lbs in the year that I was off of them before DH and I actually started TTC. in the 3.5 years that we have been TTC I have went from 145 to 206. :'( It has become a big issue for me. I've tried to get myself motivated to work out... To eat right. Its almost that I'm so depressed about having PCOS and not being able to have a baby that I can't motivate myself to get up and work out. I just want to lay in bed, eat ice cream or chips and watch old TV shows that remind me of when I was little. I have gained enough weight to have HAD a baby... but their is no baby to go along with the weight. Its depressing!

Shannon's post last night made me think about a couple of nights ago when I was telling DH that I just can't picture our lives as parents. I can't see my self as a mom. I can't see myself having baby toys around the house instead of dog toys. I just have a sinking feeling that maybe I'm not ever supposed to be pregnant. Maybe I'm not supposed to ever get to experience birth and feel a baby move inside me (yes I am one of those weird people that really REALLY wants to be in Labor, without drugs!). DH and I had a talk several months ago about adoption. We've decided that if we don't have kids and aren't expecting that when I turn 28 we will start the process of adoption.

How do you guys maintain your weight? I know that having PCOS can cause you to gain weight and can make you have a hard time with loosing the weight? Any tips on how to get motivated and get out of bed? I am determined to make 2013 better than 2012!

Un-Picturable

Back in high school I could never picture myself in college or married. I thought that it meant I wouldn't make it that far in life.

I actually got married a little less than 2 years after graduating high school.

We have been TTC for almost 5 years now. And as I watch friends have babies and as I want a baby more and more every minute of every day, I can't seem to picture myself as a mom.

I watch friends and how they have changed and adjusted and are "mommies" and I just don't see the same picture for myself. I can't picture myself with a baby on my hip or chasing around a toddler. All of that is very surreal to me and makes me wonder if maybe it just isn't meant to be.

Maybe that is one of the realities of TTC. We have to accept that, God forbid, it may just not be our path. We hope with all our might that it will be, but it is almost like a grieving process for TTC. If you accept it as a possibility, it doesn't seem like it will hurt as much if it does become actuality.

Maybe that is just me.

I want to picture myself with babies and toddlers and kids and being called "mom". But the image just doesn't come to my head.

I hope everyone else is doing ok. We have a lot of new likes on the facebook page and hopefully we will get a lot more followers of the blog as well.